Hello and Welcome to My Story of Recovery From Narcissistic Adult Bullies.
My name is Stella Reddy, though I prefer my nickname, Lorrie, which I grew up with. I currently live in beautiful Newfoundland, surrounded by the Atlantic Ocean. I grew up in this beautiful province and will always call it my Home.
Hubby and I spent 22 years living and working in Ontario, looking after residential apartment buildings. I retired in 2018 and we relocated back to NL in the Fall of 2020, in the middle of a pandemic, as I had to come home to complete my Trauma recovery from being bullied so severely, by Tenants, over their false allegations of racism, on the internet. I had to get out of the environment that made me fearful, in order to get past it.
The beautiful nature and people of my Home have helped heal my soul, better than any medicine! Knowing I am also surrounded by the Atlantic Ocean, making me inaccessible to these Bullies and any supporters they may have, also helps a great deal! Feeling safe is the main component of recovery from any Abuse.
I have learned a lot over the past 6 years about Smear Campaigns and Cyberbullying, all done by Adults. I have studied Narcissism, Gaslighting, Triangulation, Manipulation, and other traits used by Adult Bullies in their attempts to get out ahead. I have read blogs done by others, psychological texts, and spoken to counselors and specialists. I first learned of Narcissism from my Psychiatrist in Ontario in 2018.
I know now the type of personality I am dealing with here and I know now they will never quit. They are Narcissistic. I won’t doubt that anymore. The total lack of empathy they show is definitive enough for me!
Since then, everything I have read has shown me I have nothing to fear, as I deserve to be here. I deserve to live my own life and not worry about assholes out to get revenge against me, for something they caused. I have a right to live my life and not be stressed over what a past Tenant thinks I did in my job, 5 years ago. Things change.
It’s over. They did their very best to have me deemed a ‘racist” person, with no success. No one has avoided me and I refuse to hide away anymore! Nothing they could ever do will stop me from living my life, however, I want. Their time in my head, their words creating fear for me, is done.
It may have tied me up in knots for a few years, but, thankfully things change. Time, distance, and a lot of therapy have shown me I don’t need to concern myself with these Bullies’ actions. People are too smart and see right through them! They are idiots who think they have the authority to bash me on the internet, but I have been shown that people don’t care for that stuff. It might be salacious for a time, but they get sick of reading garbage like that, and not only is their content being ignored, but so are the Bullies.
Normal people don’t make and post nasty gossipy websites about others, not as they have. Normal people don’t post as an Anonymous person, trying to hide their association to their domains and their nasty contents. Normal people don’t commit the hypocrisy these Bullies do either!
I have also done a lot of work on myself and my way of thinking, and this above all has helped me heal. I worked out why this got to me so badly and I will share some of my new knowledge over these pages. Now, I live my life for me. I spent the past couple of years practicing mindfulness, positive thinking, and going through CBT therapy. I put myself into the very situations I feared the most, just to show my distorted thinking there was nothing to fear, and it worked! The more I did that, the easier it became to do. Now the fear is all gone!!
I overhauled my website, as I am not angry anymore. My outlook has changed these past months and I am grateful for it. Going to the local Police and being heard and supported, was the last step I had to face in this situation. Knowing that the Law is now on my side, has empowered me! I am still processing a lot of feelings over that. The process will take time, but I waited this long, I can wait as long as it takes.
I will share with you what I find helpful for me and my recovery and what has helped me to become once again happy and content.
Rebuilding my life here in Newfoundland has empowered me!
Background
I lived, and worked, for 18 yrs in various residential apartment buildings in Ontario with my husband as Building Superintendent, looking after the property in administration, cleaning, and maintenance.
I had a mental breakdown on July 4, 2018, from all the bullying I endured from Adult Tenant Bullies and was diagnosed with C-PTSD in November 2018. I have been recovering ever since!
I was angry, I had the right to be. Tenant Bullies invaded my personal life, vilified me online in their nasty domains, took personal information they gained in confidence during the Human Rights process, and shared it online, with pictures, emails, addresses, and even a map to find me. They went after family members and made up very terrible outrageous allegations against all involved. It became a convoluted mess…All because they refused to accept they broke the rules and caused their own eviction. They made a professional situation, very personal.
Tenant Bullies have publicized my life, peppered with their assumptions over why they think I did, or said, what I have, not just about my job either! They stole my names, given and nickname, for titles of 2 of these domains and have committed fraud online, using my name and their domain, to sign up for online services. They shared enough info that someone could use to commit further fraud, as has happened. I became terrified and these Bullies played on my fears…
I met numerous people, but I must say I never met anyone like the Tenants who caused the elaborate smear campaign online on various websites. They are entitled, arrogant, Adult Bullies, who think they have the authority to attack me and comment on how I live. They cross so many personal boundaries and show such a lack of respect for the autonomy of others. They were strangers to me, not friends, not co-workers, just Tenants in a building I lived and worked in, yet, they believe they have the right to make judgments about my personal life in the content of these sites. They take, with no care for other people.
It is easy to tell they are writing from their skewed views, not from any facts they know about. They don’t know me to know any facts about my life. You can feel their jealousy, hate and resentment come off their posts! Their words prove they are Narcissistic Adult Bullies.
These Tenant Bullies think their personal opinions matter to people in my community, and that their words on these obscure websites will influence these community members to avoid me. They are wrong.
This show of arrogance, that their personal opinions will count to other people, even people they don’t know, is a dead giveaway of their Narcissistic traits. They feel entitled to go after every person who took part in their eviction and ignore the legal decisions already released. According to Bullies, ONLY they are right and everyone else is wrong. You can’t miss that thinking in their writing online!
I use to think they had that power, as their gaslighting made me think that way, but I have since come to see it is all a joke. They don’t have any power over people living in Newfoundland and have no authority to tell them who to associate with or not! They can’t stop anyone from associating with me nor can they stop me from going out into my community. They do not have that control. No one in my community will EVER accept their opinions about me, as their opinions will never count to anyone!
In reality, why should it?
My distorted thinking from the severe gaslighting and manipulations from these Bullies over 4 year period really screwed my mind there for a while. The very public attack on my very existence was terrible and it took a lot to get out of it, but I have a lot of determination. I made it my purpose to get out of it.
It has taken me the better part of 5 years to recover my Mental Health enough to know that I am now SAFE! Narcissistic Tenant Bullies have no POWER to convince anyone of the false narratives that they have online on one site or another for almost 5 years. What they say about me, from a situation that occurred 5 years ago, does not count to any person now, especially in my present. It is history now, and nothing will change, they lost. Everything they attempt with their antics to sic people at me has failed and always will. My thinking has changed, as logic stepped in too!
As with any Abuse, feeling Safe is the most important thing of all!
My hubby quit his job and we packed up at the beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic, in September 2020, and moved provinces to get away from the target I felt was on my back from the Narcissistic Adult Tenant Bullies I was dealing with. I was driven out of Ontario because of these sites and the Bullies behind them! We moved over 3000 km away as I did fear for my life from the lies online at the time. I was afraid Kory Read would attack me himself, to be honest.
They were trying to get the general public after me too with their false allegations of racism, and I was terrified! I became a hermit in my own home, afraid to leave for fear of personal attack. I needed peace.
Having your personal information plastered on the internet within the contents of 6 domains, that these Bullies gained during legal processes, filled with false accusations of Racism, is not an easy thing to deal with, but it can be done. Fear can be overcome!
They wasted so much time trying to prove something that never happened, just to cause delays and in hopes that their lies would stick. That is what a smear campaign’s purpose is, after all, trying to ruin the reputation of the target and hoping their nasty opinions about you will stick. It didn’t stick… I am still here and still speaking up against their Abuse!
I have managed to recover my Mental Health to the point where I am no longer bothered by what they do online in my name, as I have learned the truth. These Tenants, and their opinions, are NOT IMPORTANT!
Since moving back here, it took time for me to relax. For the first few months, I wouldn’t go anywhere alone, and I refused to look at people. It took time, and many months of self-talk, to get me to go out alone and to look up when I was. It took almost a year for me to relax enough to even say hello to someone I passed! It took time to convince my mind that I was safe here.
I forced myself into situations I feared the most, so I could see that there is nothing to fear! I joined a walking group, a dart league, and have gone to Markets and even a Music Festival! I go out in the public now, smile and talk to people, and am very relaxed! I put myself into the experiences I am fearful of, and over time, it has gotten rid of the fear. I have shown my mixed-up head that I am safe here in my home, no matter that the Bullies’ words are still online.
I even spent time making new friends, and have asked them for feedback on those sites, as I wanted to hear what people thought about the content in them, and was shown I have no fear of them being believed. They are written by an anonymous “administrator, ” obviously by someone afraid to show their name and be associated with the contents. I was told that I have nothing to fear from these sites. My mind finally believes it! Even many professionals have told me not to worry about those sites, they will do nothing to my life! I have options here now that I didn’t have in Ontario!
At the beginning of this mess, after they were legally evicted from the apartment for their persistent refusals of access, they spent over 2 years, from October 2017 to January 2020, mired in Legal processes, trying to prove that I “lied” and “illegally” evicted them with “false and forged documents” and claiming I was racist against them. They applied to Divisional Court for an Appeal for their eviction, which they lost in April 2019, and Human Rights of Ontario ended with a teleconference hearing in January 2020, that they didn’t bother to show up for.
Legal Actions
These Bullies got mad they were evicted, legally, for their consistent refusal of access to the apartment. The order was released on October 3, 2017, and this Smear Campaign is revenge for this eviction. http://canlii.ca/t/hpbxw
These Bullies tried to Appeal with Divisional Court in October 2017 and at the hearing held in February 2019 they LOST! http://canlii.ca/t/hzs47 and http://canlii.ca/t/j2z21
These Bullies even filed with Human Rights of Ontario in June 2018 and decided after 19 months not to bother to show up for the hearing finally scheduled for January 2020! http://canlii.ca/t/j4z4w
They didn’t show up for the HRTO hearing as they knew they were losing! http://canlii.ca/t/hz14r
During all this time, they were Bullying me, online and in person in the building. So much so, that I ended up having a mental breakdown and went into psychosis for 2 days, in July 2018. It was during my psychosis that I quit my job there, by email. They spread rumors and lies throughout the property with other tenants, and made various posts on social media too, trying to spread his lies of racism. Each time they lost in a legal system, a new domain would show up condemning the people and process. I felt a target on my back from their lies, and I became very scared and paranoid. I was terrified someone would believe their lies and attack me. The fear took over my mind and I had a hard time letting it go, but I am glad I have. It was a terrible feeling!
They were lying so much, that it was hard to keep up with them all and I got a little lost. It made me angry, for a long time, but with mindfulness and changing my mindset, I have come out of it. I have freed myself from the mental torment! You would be amazed what determination will do for you!
Healing from Emotional Abuse that comes with a smear campaign in your name, is never easy, but it can always be done. Having domains on the internet filled with lies about you is embarrassing but no longer shameful. I have worked through all of the notes below, though I didn’t go in that order.
I have reached my goal, I feel safe, have an understanding of this mess, and I know what it all means. I have reached clarity. I was powerless to stop the actions of another person, no matter what I did. Adult Tenant Bullies lied and I couldn’t control that.
It took a long time for me to accept that I was not to blame for any of the malicious cruelty that unfolded as a result of these Tenant Bullies’ eviction. I spent so much time going back over all my written documents to them in my job, trying to figure out the how, what, and why, wondering if I missed something. I didn’t.
The initial big lie, of a prior meeting at some restaurant, that took these tenants 2 1/2 months to mention in such vague terms in the letter sent Aug 31, 2016, was my first sign that something was off about them and what they were doing. I was so confused over where their lies were coming from, and yes, being accused of racism is very shocking. It threw me for a loop for a very long time and I got lost in it. It is a malicious and scary accusation. My obsessive research on narcissism and bullies became a way for me to not feel so lost. I found a purpose to work on and it has kept me focused.
Throughout this past couple of years, I was healing, as I was coming to understand that during HRTO after I quit, I made mistakes, but I understand that I am human and allowed to do so, and was under severe mental strain. Psychosis was not something I could control and the reactive abuse I show in some of my older posts reflects my emotional dissonance during those difficult times.
I was coming to the realization that Bullies like to pretend, project, outright lie, and speculate but just because they say something, doesn’t make it true. I was seeing that all they did was lie!
I learned so much during this situation and am at peace now with what I did, even on my sites. I forgive myself for what I didn’t know at the time. Yep, I became a bully myself there for a bit, but it didn’t last long, as I am not comfortable with that. I learned that exposing your Story and writing about your personal experiences, isn’t bullying apparently. I have a right to my own voice!
I admit my mistakes, as I have to be honest with myself, and learn what makes me do what I do too! I understand myself so much better now!
Taking back control of my own life, and repairing the damage done by Narcissistic Tenant Bullies, whether it is by sharing my story on my website, or emailing every single service accessible on the internet to advise them to watch for fraud with these domains in my name, has been empowering for me.
Emailing Hosting companies, Government officials, and even reaching out to lawyers and Police Depts. informing them of all these, are all ways I am taking back my power over this situation.
Having to contact Canada Revenue Agency and fix up my account from it being locked for illegal access by another, also helped me spread the word of what someone else was doing to me.
Contacting Credit Card companies about fraud also helped. So many professionals, I emailed them to let them know who is writing those sites, all to protect my name from fraud!
The more I told people that my identity has been compromised by the personal details these Bullies shared online, the easier it became to talk about. Exposing what you fear to the light, makes it less scary! No one I shared my Story with has ever turned on me like I thought they would. These Bullies had me so convinced with their gaslighting and manipulations, that anyone reading their words about me will believe it all and turn against me, but it never has happened! It was all in my head.
Is it embarrassing to contact all these people and point them toward all these smearing sites? You bet, but it was worth it to spread the word and have other people read their cruel contents and see what they do, to a stranger out of revenge. It was hard for me to know that so many people were reading that nastiness, but it was worth it in the end, as long as attention is being brought to their actions online in my name.
The Abuse done to me by these prior Tenants, need to be exposed to the light. Not only so it isn’t as scary for me, but also as enlightenment for others. The more we expose Narcissistic Abusers, the more educated people become and less chance of it happening to them.
Education is your protection, as the more you know about a situation, the better-informed choices you can make for yourself.
Some day, I will get to experience the pure joy of knowing those sites are finally canceled for good. Nothing lasts forever! Either these Bullies will get tired of maintaining them, or I will get help to do it myself, either way, one day, all those domains will be gone. In the meantime, I can wait. They are history now and no longer important.
I accept what they did, and accept it became my job to expose the how what, and why of it, to take back my life. Time to move forward!
The article below tells you the 6 stages of recovery from Toxic people and I have experienced all of them, though not in this order. Recovery is always your way out; no matter how long it takes, you are worth the effort. I deserve to be free from Narcissistic Adult Bullies, we all do!
In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described the 5 stages of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, paving the way for a deeper understanding of grief in the field of mental health. More than 50 years have passed since then, but these 5 stages are still used as a framework to describe many of the experiences of grief and grieving from traumatic events. We now know that these stages can come in a different order, can be skipped over and/or repeated, and newer research has been suggesting that there are different stages that the bereaved and other trauma survivors may go through (Doka et al, 2011).
In research on traumatic relationships, including domestic violence or other toxic relationships, researchers have found similar patterns and stages of recovery to those experienced by the bereaved. Today, we know that toxic relationships can be romantic, platonic, or familial, with recovery from each looking somewhat different.
These are the six stages of recovery from psychological abuse or toxic relationships that I have witnessed in my practice. Like the stages of grief mentioned above, these stages do not always happen in chronological order, can be skipped over or repeated, and survivors can start in different stages. While the end goal is always safety, understanding, and meaning, recovery looks different in all survivors and no two paths are alike.
- Self-doubt. This could be called the “Am I crazy?” stage. It means realizing that something doesn’t make sense, but not knowing how what, or why. This stage can sometimes happen during the relationship, or it can happen during the breakup when you start to realize something feels off. While few breakups are fun or pain-free, ending a toxic relationship has the added cognitive dissonance of feeling freeing, yet confusing and disorienting. Sometimes survivors wonder if leaving is the right choice, or if they are imagining or exaggerating all of the bizarre events that do not make sense. Many survivors struggle during the stage, asking, “Was it my fault? Did I bring these behaviors out of them?”
- Learning and researching. This is the stage when you research all. of. the. things. You know something is off with the person’s behavior, but researching everything and anything about it gives you the terminology to understand your experiences. This is often when clients will come in with words or phrases like “narcissistic abuse,” “psychological abuse,” “personality disorder,” or other terms that come from their research. When something does not feel right, our human instinct is to try to make sense of it and understand it. This behavior serves to gain clarity and understanding, but can also have the added benefit of being self-soothing. Sometimes survivors find that they become obsessive about researching and understanding as a way to heal.
- Clarity. This is when the research starts to slow down, and the survivor starts to make sense of their experiences—even if there is still residual pain, grief, and resentment. This initial surge of understanding can be freeing and calming, as it feels empowering to bring clarity to a muddled and confusing situation. The key element of this stage is the clarity that there was something beyond your control, you were powerless to stop or change it, and it is not your fault.
- Breaking free. This is when you take steps to distance yourself from them, physically and emotionally. For some, this stage comes at the beginning, sometimes before they even realize the type of person they were dealing with, especially if they were discarded. For others, breaking free happens after they realize that they need to leave to stay safe and healthy. This is the stage where people begin grey rocking, no contact, and when I urge my clients to use the N.E.B. techniques that I developed for survivors who must communicate with their abuser (Necessary, Emotionless, and Brief).
- Doing the work of healing. Usually, this stage takes the form of developing an understanding of yourself because you realize that this is the only way to fully heal. This is usually the stage when people reach back out to family and friends who had been pushed away during the relationship, and otherwise, try to piece together the broken pieces from the chaos that has taken place over the past few months or even years. During this stage, it is important to understand and acknowledge that it is okay to admit that you were human and imperfect during a relationship, that you inevitably made mistakes, but you are not to blame for any malicious cruelty that unfolded.
- Accepting and making meaning. Many well-known psychological abuse experts report that finding meaning from your experience is an essential part of the healing process, as it helps you understand how to avoid these people in the future. Many people who have had toxic and abusive relationships repeat these patterns again and again. They come to therapy hopeless and exasperated, saying, “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong to attract these people!” It is usually during this time that we discover that they did not take the time needed to fully heal—not only from the experience but also to develop understanding and meaning of their experiences to recognize red flags in the future and attract people who they want to be with.
Many people who have ended a relationship with someone who has narcissistic tendencies or other traits of a personality disorder find that they are left with debt, shame, embarrassment, or reputation destruction as part of a smear campaign. Taking control of your life and working towards repairing all of these things is a major part of the recovery process, and can help empower you to keep moving forward. Many of my clients feel empowered when they consolidate credit cards, reach out to previous friends or acquaintances, and begin to rebuild their lives.
Accepting what happened and taking steps to move forward is part of the recovery process.
Healing looks different in everyone. If a survivor is also a survivor of domestic violence in their childhood home or family of origin, this trauma can be compounded and felt longer, but this is not always the case. “Practically every aspect of a domestic abuser survivor’s life is altered in the aftermath of domestic violence” (Anderson et al. 2012).