Toxic People’s Actions Define Themselves, Not You
For the longest time, I believed that the actions of toxic people reflected something about me. When someone attacked me, belittled me, or spread lies about me, I would internalize their behaviour and question myself. *Why are they doing this? What did I do to deserve this? Is there something wrong with me?* These questions haunted me for years, especially when toxic tenants created content on websites like stellareddy.com to tear me down in 2019.
But now, after years of reflection, education, and healing, I’ve come to understand a powerful truth: the actions of toxic people define themselves, not me. Their behaviour is a reflection of who they are—their insecurities, their bitterness, their need for control. It has nothing to do with my worth, my character, or my identity. This realization has been one of the most liberating lessons of my life, and I want to share it with you.
The Lies and Smear Campaigns Were Never About Me
When I first discovered the website stellareddy.com, it felt like my world had been turned upside down. Seeing my name attached to lies, accusations, and distortions of reality was devastating. It was a public attack on my reputation, my character, and my life. At the time, it was hard not to internalize the malicious words written about me. I started to believe the toxic narrative they were spinning, even though I knew deep down it wasn’t true.
The hardest part was the gaslighting. They tried to convince me—and anyone who would listen—that I was “crazy,” that I was the problem, and that I deserved everything they were doing. For a while, their tactics worked. I doubted myself, questioned my sanity, and even wondered if I should stop standing up for myself and just let them win. I was quiet for over 2 years…
But over time, as I educated myself on toxic behaviours like gaslighting, manipulation, and projection, I began to see the truth. Their actions weren’t about me at all. They were about “them”.
Toxic People Project Their Own Insecurities
One of the most important things I’ve learned is that toxic people often project their own insecurities onto others. When they accuse you of being “crazy,” it’s often because they feel out of control themselves. When they call you a liar, it’s because they are lying. When they try to tear you down, it’s because they feel small and insignificant.
The content on stellareddy.com is a perfect example of this. The toxic tenants who created that website didn’t know me well enough to make the claims they shared for the past 8 years on their many domains. How could they? We weren’t friends, it was a workplace. Their accusations were based on their own distorted perceptions, not reality. They built a fictional character out of me—a character that reflected their own bitterness, anger, and frustration, not reality.
For years, I let their words affect me. I thought their lies had power over my life. I truly thought there for a while that they had influence over others, enough to affect my personal life, not just my work life. But now I see those lies for what they are: a mirror of their own inner turmoil. Their actions define “them”, not me.
What Defines Me Is How I Respond
I’ve come to realize that while I can’t control the actions of toxic people, I can control how I respond to them. For a long time, I responded with fear, anger, and self-doubt. I gave their words too much power and let them dictate how I felt about myself.
But now, I choose to respond differently. I choose to respond with clarity, strength, and self-awareness. I remind myself that their behaviour is a reflection of who they are, not who I am. I don’t need to prove myself to them or anyone else because I know my truth.
One of the most empowering lessons I’ve learned is that my worth isn’t determined by what other people say or do. My worth comes from within. No amount of lies, smear campaigns, or toxic behaviour can change who I am at my core. I don’t always need to be “nice” towards others, especially those who show such disrespect towards me.
Letting Go of the Need for Validation
Another crucial step in my healing journey has been letting go of the need for validation from toxic people. For years, I wanted them to stop, to admit they were wrong, to take down their content, and to leave me alone. I thought that if they apologized or changed their behaviour, it would prove that I was right all along.
But I’ve realized that waiting for validation from toxic people is a losing game. They thrive on control and manipulation, and they’re unlikely to give you the closure you’re looking for. Instead, I’ve learned to give myself closure.
Closure comes from understanding that their actions aren’t about me. Closure comes from recognizing that their behavior reflects their own pain and dysfunction. Closure comes from knowing that I don’t need their approval or acknowledgement to move forward with my life. They are irrelevant.
Peace Comes From Within
One of the most surprising things I’ve learned is that peace doesn’t come from toxic people stopping their attacks. It comes from within. Even with stellareddy.com still online, I’ve found a sense of peace that I never thought was possible.
I no longer live in fear of what they might do or say next. Their words no longer have any meaning, other than as examples of their toxicity. I don’t waste my energy anymore trying to convince others that their lies aren’t true. People can read their content and decide for themselves the meaning behind them. Instead, I focus on living my life authentically and fully. I focus on the things that bring me joy and fulfillment. Like focusing on the scenery of Newfoundland & Labrador!
Their actions no longer have power over me because I’ve taken my power back.
What I’ve Learned About Toxic Patterns
Through this experience, I’ve learned a lot about the patterns of toxic people. They often follow predictable behaviours:
1. Gaslighting: Making you question your reality and feel like you’re “crazy.”
2. Projection: Accusing you of the very things they’re guilty of.
3. Triangulation: Trying to turn other people against you.
4. Word Salad: Using confusing or contradictory language to avoid accountability.
Understanding these patterns has been incredibly freeing. It’s helped me see their actions for what they are: manipulative tactics designed to control and hurt others, mainly me.
I Choose to Define Myself
The most important lesson I’ve learned is that I get to define myself—not toxic people, not their lies, and not their actions. I know who I am. I know my values, my strengths, and my worth.
Toxic people may try to tear you down, but they can’t define you unless you let them. Their words and actions are powerless unless you give them meaning. I’ve chosen to take back that power and define myself on my own terms.
A Message to Others Facing Toxicity
If you’re dealing with toxic people in your life—whether it’s in the form of online harassment, workplace bullying, or personal relationships—I want you to know this: their actions are not about you. Their behaviour is a reflection of their own struggles, insecurities, and dysfunction.
You are not defined by their lies. You are not defined by their attacks. You are not defined by their toxicity.
You are defined by your strength, your kindness, and your ability to rise above. You are defined by how you choose to respond, how you choose to heal, and how you choose to move forward.
Toxic people’s actions define themselves, not you. They created that website, not me. This truth has been one of the most empowering realizations of my life. It’s allowed me to let go of the pain, fear, and self-doubt that once consumed me. It’s helped me find peace even in the face of ongoing challenges.
Their toxicity no longer holds power over me because I’ve reclaimed my narrative. I know who I am, and I refuse to let their actions dictate my life.
If you’re facing toxic people in your own life, I hope this message gives you strength. Remember: their actions define them, not you. You are stronger, wiser, and more resilient than their words could ever make you believe.
Keep moving forward—you’ve got this.