Stella Reddy's Story of Hope

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I am sharing below another article I read on Psychology Today that spoke to me, “How Retaliation Affects Our Mental Health.” This one hits home.

I know what it’s like to be pushed toward retaliation — to feel the sting so deep you want to hit back just to prove you can. I’ve been there, with people who twisted the truth, hoping to provoke me into reacting on their terms. Society calls this “normal” now — this endless cycle of striking back — but I’ve lived long enough to see that revenge doesn’t heal me. It keeps me hooked into their drama, bound to their lies, and that’s not where I want to live anymore.

When I stayed in that space, the anger owned me. I’d replay every word, every slight, as if building my case could undo the hurt. But the only thing it undid was my peace. I’ve felt the physical toll — the stress pounding through my body, the way compassion and rational thought seem to shut down when my defences are up. And just like the research says, it spilled into everything, even the way I related to the people I love.

I’ve seen what happens when retaliation becomes the default — in families, in workplaces, in politics. It teaches everyone, especially the young ones watching, that power means punishment. I remember thinking, Is this really how I want to live my life? The answer was no.

The turning point was learning to pause. Mindfulness wasn’t about pretending nothing happened — it was about creating a gap between what was done to me and how I chose to respond. I started speaking my truth without scheming payback, setting boundaries without sinking into bitterness.

Like I’ve written before on my own journey, keeping my receipts isn’t about weaponizing them — it’s about protecting my reality from being rewritten.

I refuse to let someone else’s toxicity dictate my actions. My defiance now is in choosing healing over harm. The “burning stones” of revenge culture may still surround me, but I won’t add fuel to that fire. Every time I choose compassion, I’m taking back my power, brick by brick, from people who thought they could define me.

This isn’t passivity — it’s the fiercest form of self‑protection I know. And it’s the life I’m building, one choice at a time.

How Retaliation Affects Our Mental Health | Psychology Today Canada

How Retaliation Affects Our Mental Health

The psychology of “normalized revenge”.

Posted August 22, 2025 |  Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

Key points

• Revenge is becoming common and normalized in our society.
• The effects of revenge are bad for our mental and emotional health.
• We can break the cycle though mindfulness and restorative justice.

We’re experiencing what might be called the “revenge era.” Open any news app, scroll through social media, or tune into political discussions, and you’ll see a constant flow of retaliation rhetoric. Countries threaten retaliatory strikes. Politicians vow revenge. Communities call for retribution. What was once a last resort has now become our default response—and we may have stopped questioning whether this approach is psychologically healthy.

The Mental Health Costs of Revenge

From a psychological perspective, this shift toward accepting retaliation as normal is deeply concerning. Research by McCullough and colleagues (2007) found that vengeful thoughts actually “protract the negative emotional states, contributing to negative feelings and ruminations” rather than providing the satisfaction we expect. When someone continues to indulge in revenge fantasies, over time, they can develop anxiety, remorse, and feelings of shame, creating a cycle that drains their mental resources.

When we operate from a revenge mindset, we may be hijacking our neural pathways. Your amygdala—the brain’s alarm system—floods your system with stress hormones, effectively shutting down your prefrontal cortex, where rational thinking occurs. In this state, the higher values you cherish—compassion, wisdom, forgiveness—become neurologically inaccessible. You are functioning purely on survival instincts.

Studies on intergenerational trauma demonstrate that unresolved conflicts and cycles of retaliation can produce lasting psychological effects on future generations (Yehuda & Lehrner, 2018).

We observe these patterns in personal relationships where people “ghost” each other instead of resolving conflicts, and in global politics where nations prefer military responses over diplomatic solutions. Research shows that children who witness acts of retaliation—whether it is parents in bitter custody fights or kids watching family members experience conflict—may develop heightened stress responses and defensive reactions that can last into adulthood.

Breaking the Cycle: Evidence-Backed Alternatives

The good news is that neuroscience shows us how to alter these patterns. Multiple studies demonstrate that mindfulness practices can greatly reduce symptoms of stress-related conditions, including anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (Goyal et al., 2014). When we regularly practice techniques like mindfulness meditation, we build what psychologists call “cognitive flexibility”—the ability to pause between stimulus and response, even when we are hurt or angry.

This pause is where healing becomes possible, allowing us to connect with our deeper values instead of automatically turning to retaliation.

The Mental Health Case for Restorative Justice

Choosing non-retaliation does not mean becoming passive. It involves developing psychological skills to respond to harm with wisdom rather than reactive anger. Research on restorative justice practices shows positive psychological outcomes for victims, offering a healthier alternative to cycles of revenge (Latimer et al., 2005).

Restorative approaches might involve:

• Emotional validation: Recognizing and working through your pain instead of immediately blaming others.
• Clear communication: Honestly express hurt instead of planning revenge.
• Boundary setting: Safeguarding yourself by establishing healthy limits instead of punishing yourself.
• Restorative processes: Emphasizing healing and prevention over retribution.

Research on forgiveness and reconciliation shows that people who choose these approaches report better mental health, stronger relationships, and greater life satisfaction than those stuck in revenge cycles (Worthington et al., 2007).

The Permission Structure of Revenge Culture

Perhaps most troubling is how we’ve created a “permission structure” around revenge. We have normalized the idea that retaliation isn’t just understandable but morally justified. Phrases like “blood for blood” and “revenge is a dish best served cold” serve as mental shortcuts that skip critical thinking.

This normalization is everywhere—from our relationships to politics. We tend to praise leaders who promise to “hit back” rather than those who promote healing through dialogue. Research consistently shows that people who engage in vengeful behavior report lower life satisfaction, increased anxiety, and difficulty maintaining healthy relationships (McCullough et al., 2001). Yet we still celebrate revenge narratives.

A Call for Psychological Courage

In our current cultural moment, choosing not to retaliate requires what we might call “psychological courage”—the willingness to break automatic revenge responses even when those around you expect them. This does not mean being naive about real threats or ignoring injustice. It means understanding that our mental health depends on our ability to respond to harm with wisdom rather than reflexive revenge.

Every time we choose compassion over revenge, we are not just making a moral decision—we are prioritizing psychological well-being. In a world where the “stones are burning hot” with retaliatory rhetoric, even small acts of mindful non-retaliation help calm the environment.

The question isn’t whether we have the right to seek revenge—it’s whether revenge actually satisfies our deeper psychological needs for safety, connection, and meaning. Research indicates it doesn’t. Maybe it’s time to try a different approach.