I’ve spent years untangling the knots left behind by reputational sabotage, gaslighting, and relentless online harassment. Like many survivors, I’ve asked myself: Why would someone do this? Don’t they know the damage they cause? But the truth is, they do. And they choose it anyway.
Reading the Psychology Today article, Are Bullies Responsible for Their Choices? | Psychology Today Canada, it affirms what I’ve come to know through lived experience: bullying isn’t a reflex or a trauma response—it’s a decision made in the present moment. A conscious act. And that matters.
Just like the toxic tenants who weaponized false accusations and fabricated documents against me, these individuals weren’t reacting—they were orchestrating. They weren’t confused—they were calculated.
And while they may try to hide behind stories of hardship or blame-shifting, the neuroscience is clear: bullying activates the fight/flight system in victims, flooding our bodies with cortisol and adrenaline, impairing our ability to think clearly or respond calmly. I’ve lived that. I’ve felt my nervous system hijacked by fear, my voice silenced by stress.
But I’ve also reclaimed that voice.
As the article reminds us, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space.” Viktor Frankl’s words have become a mantra for me. In that space, I found my power—not just to survive, but to speak, document, and advocate. I built this site to share my truth, not to retaliate, but to illuminate. To show that healing is possible, and that accountability matters, even my own.
In the early days, when the smear campaigns and gaslighting first took root, I found myself slipping into a dark reflex—I wanted my bullies to feel the sting they’d inflicted on me. I mirrored their tactics, hoping that if they tasted even a fraction of the fear and humiliation they’d caused, they might stop.
But all it did was deepen my own pain. I wasn’t healing—I was reacting. And in trying to reclaim control, I was losing pieces of myself. It took time, reflection, and the grounding force of Newfoundland’s wild coastline to see that retaliation only tethered me to their cruelty. Choosing integrity over vengeance became my turning point. That’s when I truly began to heal.
Bullies are responsible for their choices. And survivors are responsible for our healing—but not for the harm done to us.
So if you’re reading this and wondering whether your story matters, whether your pain is valid, whether your truth deserves light—know this: it does. You do. And you’re not alone.
Let’s keep choosing growth. Let’s keep choosing truth.
Are Bullies Responsible for Their Choices? | Psychology Today Canada
Key points
- Individuals are accountable for their attitudes, actions, and behavior.
- The past cannot be changed. The future is an idea. Choices are made in the present.
- Thoughts, choices, and actions are self-activated.
To begin with, the initial hypothesis of this post is to declare that, following the eventual philosophical intercession of René Descartes, in the 17th century, life and/or existence as we know consists of the following: Life has two suppositions and one reality. The first supposition is to declare that there are shared assumptions that the past exists, which cannot be changed. The second supposition is that there is the shared assumption of the idea of a future; and the third assumption is that there is an existing physical reality of the present.
It is only in this existential reality of the present where decisions, choices, behaviors, and actions can be initiated. What that then means, in terms of bullying, which only takes place as a choice in the present, is that one can choose to be a bully, or one can choose not to be a bully. Either choice will have consequences, for which the individual will be and is responsible (Falla et al., 2023; Menesini et al., 2013; Purje, 2014).
What all of this is alluding to is the immutable universality that blaming the past (which cannot be changed) does not initiate bullying. Bullying (as with any other behavior) is an action that occurs as a result of the self-initiated thinking and the self-initiated action that has—and is—taking place in the existential present (Falla et al., 2023; Menesini et al., 2013).
When individuals choose to blame others for their decisions, choices, and actions (and the consequences that follow), they not only relinquish agency, but the research also informs that the individual is also reducing the potential and opportunities for growth and correction. As such, as a result of the unwillingness to change thinking and behavior, the research informs that the problems (the individual has created) will continue (Detert et al. 2008; Luo & Bussey, 2023; Moore et al., 2012; Tillman et al., 2018).
Further to this, Glasser (1986) and Purje (2014) contend that it is an individual’s intrinsic motivation and personal attitude that has the most influence over what the individual will think, do, say, choose, and achieve. Ultimately, individuals are accountable for their own attitudes, actions, and behavior. This understanding is evident in the following quote by Glasser: “all living creatures, from simple to complex, control themselves” (p. 14).
This personal choice and the self-initiated act of blaming external factors rather than accepting one’s deliberately chosen action (in a given situation), merely perpetuates the cycle of negativity that the “essential self” has initiated (Baumeister et al., 1994; Gallagher, 2000; Tangney et al., 2007).
Research informs that change (in terms of thoughts and choices) will never occur until this self-activated and self-initiated mindset (of blaming others) changes to the understanding that it is the self, and only the self, that is responsible for their choices, actions, and consequences (Baumeister et al., 1994; Gallagher, 2000; Tangney et al., 2007).
Choices will always have consequences. They can be negative or positive, all of which depend on the choices made by the individual. There is no one else to blame (Alicke, 2000; Duckworth et al., 2018; Miller & Ross, 1975; Purje, 2014; Tangney et al., 2007; Tangney et al., 2018).
The Immediate Impact of Bullying
Research is unambiguous: the action of bullying is a destructive physiological, psychological, and social behavior. From a psychological and physiological response, there is the fight, flight, and freeze response, which is also known as the acute stress response (McEwen & Morrison, 2013; Menestrel, 2020; Vaillancourt et al., 2013; Wolke & Lereya, 2015).
The acute stress response is a biological and physiological cascading response that occurs either from perceived threats and/or actual threats. This response then immediately leads to the sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system being instantly engaged, which then initiates an immediate physiological hormonal surge (McEwen & Morrison, 2013; Menestrel, 2020; Vaillancourt et al., 2013; Wolke & Lereya, 2015).
This hormonal surge leads to the activation of the adrenal glands (which are on the top of the kidneys) that then release catecholamines, notably adrenaline (epinephrine) and noradrenaline (norepinephrine) (McEwen & Morrison, 2013; Menestrel, 2020; Vaillancourt et al., 2013; Wolke & Lereya, 2015).
This then leads to an immediate increase in the heart rate, elevated blood pressure, and an increase in the breathing rate of the individual, as well as the immediate release of glucose, the reason being that the acute stress response physiologically requires an immediate and efficient holistic energy use, which glucose can provide.
Added to this, there is also an immediate release of the stress chemicals: adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH), Corticotropin-releasing factor (CRF, but sometimes also written as corticotropin-releasing hormone, or CRH), and cortisol. All of this has a negative functioning impact on the prefrontal cortex (which is also colloquially referred to as the executive thinking area of the brain), which also leads to a negative impact on rational thinking potential.
Ultimately, bullying and the associated physiological response can lead to a condition where GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid) is no longer released. This can then lead to higher levels of stress and anxiety. What we want is for GABA to be released because GABA is a neurotransmitter that initiates the self-soothing response.
When the GABA-initiated self-soothing response is able to take place, this response increases serotonin flow to the prefrontal cortex, which leads to the release of dopamine. The release of dopamine leads to the activation of an alternative reward mechanism in the brain and helps a person to potentially feel relaxed and calmer. However, as noted when bullying takes place, stress increases immediately.
As such, the neurological, physiological, cognitive, affective, and psychological evidence is clear; all of this significantly and profoundly decreases a person’s immediate overall holistic well-being. It is also important to note that the acute stress response can remain in place for up to an hour following the impact of the bullying, even longer (Becker & McQuade, 2020; Hamilton et al., 2008; Latino et al., 2025; Newman et al., 2011; Rauschenberg et al., 2021; Schacter, 2021). This would not be taking place if bullying were not taking place.
The hypothesis being presented here is that bullying will stop when those who decide to bully make the conscious choice to stop bullying. The premise that is also being presented here informs that the bully is the one who is making the intellectual choice to bully. As such, it is with the same intellectual conscious choice to bully, that the bully can choose to stop bullying. The reality is that this is an easy choice. As noted in Responsibility Theory: “I am responsible for, and I’ve got the power over what I think, do, say, and choose.” This is real, authentic, and most certainly meaningful power.
The alpha and the omega of life and choices is as follows: The bully is responsible for making the choice to bully. There is no one else to blame. “I think, therefore I am” (Descartes). I am what I think, do, say and choose” (Purje, 2014). And in terms of consciousness, cognition, and choices, there is the profound quote by Viktor Frankl: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is [your] power to choose [your] response. In [your] response lies [your] growth and [your] freedom” (Viktor Frankl). When you choose not to bully, you will not be a bully. With that choice there is the actualization of “[your] growth and [your] freedom.”
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