When I wrote these words below in December 2019, I was trying to make sense of an experience that had pushed me far beyond anything I had ever imagined I would have to endure. I was in therapy by then, but I didn’t have the language yet — not for the psychological impact, not for the confusion, and certainly not for the way the smear campaign had twisted my sense of self. What I wrote was my attempt to explain something that felt impossible to put into words.

I was existing in a state of extended bullying. Gaslighting. Publicly being smeared as a person on over 6 websites. I felt as though I’d become my bully’s depiction of me: irrational. “Crazy.” Unstable. The worst thing about psychological abuse is that it doesn’t just ruin your reputation; it ruins your inner landscape. Makes you question yourself.

Why I Felt “Crazy”

I wasn’t actually losing my mind. I was reacting normally to abnormal behaviour. But when you are:

• lied about publicly
• accused of things you didn’t do
• treated like a villain by people who never asked for your side
• isolated, ignored, and ostracized
• forced to defend yourself against fabrications
• and repeatedly told you that you are the problem

…it becomes almost impossible not to internalize some of it. That’s what I was trying to express in that old post. I felt like I had been reshaped by the abuse — more cynical, more guarded, less trusting. And at the time, I believed those changes were permanent.

The Exhaustion of Explaining Narcissistic Abuse

One of the most difficult things about that time in my life was explaining it to people. Narcissistic abuse cannot be seen from the outside. Oftentimes, people who have never experienced it will offer unhelpful advice like “just ignore them” or “let it go.” They don’t understand because they don’t see the damage. It’s not physical; it’s mental, emotional, and takes place within your mind and heart.

Going into 2019, I was still fighting to prove to people that what happened to me was significant. I was still validating that the bullying was real, the smear campaign was purposeful, and that what it did to my mental health couldn’t just be “let go.”

The Turning Point I Was Reaching

Even in the middle of all that pain, I could feel a shift beginning. I wrote about the upcoming HRTO date because I believed — and needed to believe — that closure was coming. I was ready to be done with the entire ordeal, regardless of the outcome. I was ready to reclaim my life.

What I didn’t fully understand then was that the real closure wouldn’t come from any tribunal or ruling. It would come from me deciding I was finished with the cycle of defending myself, explaining myself, and reacting to people who were committed to misunderstanding me.

What I See Now, With Distance

Looking back, I can see that the person who wrote that post was exhausted, traumatized, and trying desperately to hold onto a sense of self. But I can also see strength in those words — the early signs of the resilience I would eventually grow into.

I see someone who:

• recognized the abuse for what it was
• understood that the smear campaign said more about them than about me
• was beginning to detach from the need for validation
• was preparing to rebuild her life
• was determined to heal, even if she didn’t yet know how

That post was a snapshot of a turning point — the moment I stopped fighting to be believed and started fighting to get myself back.

Why This Matters Now

Explaining that old text today is not about reopening wounds. It’s about acknowledging how far I’ve come. I no longer live in that mental space. I no longer feel “crazy.” I no longer carry the weight of their lies.

Today, I understand the psychology behind what happened. I understand the tactics, the motivations, and the patterns. Most importantly, I understand myself — my boundaries, my worth, and my resilience.

That December 2019 version of me was doing the best she could with the tools she had. The version of me today is growing, healing, and reclaiming her voice.

And that is the real story.

Dec 31, 2019, 12:12 PM

I found this article this morning online, and it explains things that I could not, as I really didn’t know what words to use. It is really hard to explain how it feels to be a victim of bullying and smear campaigns without coming across as the delusional and crazy person the bully is trying to make you be. I accepted long ago that no matter what, I will always come across as crazy, as I have become that person. This situation has turned me into that person. The bullying I have experienced, the effect this situation has had on me, has been life-changing, and I know I will never get back to the person I was before. I have become too cynical and untrusting to be that person anymore.

I am doing better. I have reached the point where I don’t care what my bullies do, as I have accepted that no matter what, they won’t stop with their attempts to destroy my personal and professional reputation. The ever-changing stellareddy.com website is proof of that. They can do their worst; the people who know me know the difference, and if not, who cares? I won’t be dealing with any of them anymore.

A New Year is coming, and with it, many changes will be coming to my life once again, this time, good ones that I need to make for my mental health. Once Jan 17 202 comes, I am done with all this HRTO crap and will no longer have to have any contact with my bullies, and I hope they make them accountable for what they have done to me and others, but I doubt it. I don’t even think they will do anything about the vexatious litigant issue either, tho they should for the safety of others in the future from these bullies. Either way, I am done with it come this date, and I am moving on with my life and getting better, mentally. 2020 is going to be a great year for me!! I am determined…

How do you get others to understand what it’s like to be a victim of a narcissist?

One of the most difficult things about experiencing narcissistic abuse is the fact that no one else understands it. Many people think that victims should be able to “just let go,” which is re-traumatizing and unrealistic. Those few who have experienced intentional life destruction at the hands of a narcissist—gaslighting, smear campaigns, attacks by willfully ignorant flying monkeys, projection, DARVO—know that it is nearly impossible to “move on.” It is crazy-making for the perpetrator of such immoral, antisocial, intentional sadism to be accepted everywhere, wearing a white hat, getting a “good guy” pass, when we know he is the most despicable person imaginable. A person who hurts others at whim to save himself.

You CAN get others to understand, however, if you spend some quality time with them. Explain how you felt while you were gaslit, believing the narcissist’s fraudulent version of reality. Explain how his projections and gaslighting made you question yourself, made you doubt your worth, made you into a sad, crazy, pathetic person. Did you feel like you needed to warn others that you were a dangerous predator? That you were insane, that you did totally obnoxious, offensive things to others, unprompted?

I felt like that for a while. That’s an effect of psychological abuse. People who know me can’t wrap their minds around the fact that I could ever believe those things, but when a narcissist can recruit the people who know you best to treat you like you ARE an awful monster, isn’t it understandable that you too would start to accept that image of yourself?

Talk about how it felt to have your best friends weaponized against you. Talk about how it felt to be bullied and ostracized. Talk about how it felt to be a person not even worthy of a conversation before a “friend” blacklisted you forever. Talk about how it felt to have people who know you driving and walking by, pointedly snubbing you, letting you know how worthless they view you. And although now you realize that all of it was based on the lies of an entitled abuser, at the time, you thought you were scum; you thought you were worth less than garbage. The narcissist’s ABUSE made you believe that.

Use your creativity to get your listeners there, on the road with you, while former friends drive past and demonstrably look away from you; seat them at the computer with you while you take the sucker-punch in the gut of the narcissist’s targeted social media bullying. Any human being capable of empathy will understand what it took for you to withstand this inhumane treatment: nerves of steel, iron willpower, and unending compassion for yourself.

Overall, be proud that you got to the point where you are explaining narcissistic abuse to others. You made it! Now you’re in the army of good, expanding human knowledge that will better our world and protect other human beings.