The Winds of Change for Stella Reddy

What is Broken can be mended.

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My mentality is changing, my anger is disappearing. It helps that these Tenant Bullies are not writing anything new online! I have nothing new to get angry over anymore and I really don’t mind. I am learning to accept the peace of not seeing my name online anywhere, that I didn’t put there.

This site is now connected to my every social media from Pinterest to Facebook. I have taken back control of my name online and where it shows up. Everything I write is now public, all across the internet. No more hiding, I have nothing to hide from. I will share my story and with it’s telling, I gain peace of mind. I gain clarity and self-esteem.

I can take my time and concentrate on me, which is what I have been doing. Yes, I still check for my name online, every morning when I get up. It has become a habit, unfortunately. Every thing I do these days is about my own personal journey of getting past the fears these actions brought out in me and building a life for myself where I can live in peace from these Adult Bullies. I spend time every day working on myself and my thinking, no more time spent on Bullies and wondering why they do what they do. I have accepted their actions just ARE and I focus on me.

I am changing my focus. It is true, when things change inside you, the way you look at things, changes. 

I have no intention of getting “personal” about them and how they live their lives, as I just don’t care. For me, it was always what they did with my name. They bashed it, online and in person, for over 5 years. They talk about me, Stella Reddy, write about me, and spread gossip and lies about me.  For over 5 YEARS. That’s a long time to be a target of strangers.

The why of it is clear, it was revenge. They got mad I had the control in my job to hold them accountable for breaking the rules for over a year, and I used it. No more getting past that one anymore…

 I have come to see that Bullies of any kind, eventually get what they deserve. Ostracized like they wanted me to be.

There are only so many times a person can label someone before they lose traction and no one believes them. It is only words and over time, words without actions, get ignored. Human Nature.

I have yet to see any evidence proving any of their claims against me I know they never will. Anything now, we will all know was fabricated.  Kind of hard to provide proof of something that don’t exist. Just like the prior meeting they claim we had 2 1/2 months before they even mentioned this fantasy meeting, don’t exist. Actually, I have proof it couldn’t have! It isn’t important anymore. 

All they have is evidence of my mental deterioration their actions caused and show my Reactive Abuse I did as a result of their actions. I have come to terms with that too and know it was needed in this case. I had to react and do to them what they did to me to get them to stop. As a result, I will keep this domain online as long as I need to do so, to feel safe. I hope that as long as it is here, stellareddy.com will not. 

My last attempts at Reactive Abuse was just as described in the article below, I now think about my “reaction” to their words, I research what it means and how it fits in this dynamic. I think before I react, so I am taking back my voice and my power. I think about what I write now and it makes a big difference, mostly in my own emotions. It makes me calmer and more focused to stop and think about what I will write, before I write it.

Reactive Abuse: What It is and Why Abusers Rely on It

Reactive Abuse

 

Definition

Reactive abuse occurs when the victim reacts to the abuse they are experiencing. The victim may scream, toss out insults, or even lash out physically at the abuser. The abuser then retaliates by telling the victim that they are, in fact, the abuser.

Why abusers rely on it

Abusers rely on this “reactive abuse” because it is their “proof” that the victim is unstable and mentally ill. The abuser will hold these reactions against the victims indefinitely. It could be years later and the abuser will say, “Well, back in (whatever year), you had this reaction and acted all crazy. You’re the crazy one! You need help.”

Sometimes abusers use this reaction as an excuse to go to police or even file for protective orders of their own.

A method of manipulation

To manipulate is to unfairly influence a situation. When an abuser claims they are the ones being abused, they are manipulating us into believing we are at fault for the abuse. The abusers are conditioning and manipulating us to accept the blame. The longer this blame shifting goes on, the longer we will believe we are to blame for the reactive outbursts and abuse that the abuser is dishing out. We will begin to believe we are the violent and unstable ones.

This manipulation can even go so far as to cause us to feel shame. When we react, it causes the abuser to claim we are the abusive ones. But these reactions also add a second element to the mix – they cause us to feel bad about ourselves to the point of guilt and shame. We act against what we know to be true about ourselves – that we are good, kind, capable, loving people. But that goes out the window when we experience the guilt and shame more and more. The guilt and shame that the abusers continue to condition us to feel.

What we can do instead

When you see yourself reacting in this manner, many times you begin to say to yourself, “Whoa, this isn’t me. This isn’t how I am normally.” When you begin to ask yourself those questions, you know something is not right with the relationship. I know I thought those things before – that I knew how I was reacting wasn’t me. It wasn’t who I was. That’s what the abuser wants – to make you question yourself, your character, and your integrity. But many times, by the time we get to the point of asking ourselves those questions, we are either too scared to leave the abuser or we just don’t have the means to do so.

So what can we do instead? The abusers bank on us reacting negatively to their tactics. When we begin to truly think about how we respond to them, we are taking back our power. We begin to respond and not react. To react is almost like an automatic thing – it’s the fight or flight response. But responding involves a thought process that requires us to really consider our thoughts and actions.

Within the realm of domestic violence, there is always one who initiates or instigates the problems in the relationship. It comes back to that one person needing power and control over their  victim. That’s what abuse is – the imbalance of power. The abuser, however, would like us to believe otherwise and say, “Well, we were abusive to each other. It’s mutual abuse.” It’s because the abusers will never accept responsibility for their actions and instead shift blame for the abuse onto us.

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