The Beginning OF My Mental Distress with Kory & Allison Read

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As I mentioned before, I write, all the time. I came across this letter I wrote to myself on October 21, 2017, the day after we got the Divisional Court papers, though they were not filed yet.

This was the beginning of all the stress for me, as it only got worse after this. While I read this just now, I got goosebumps, as I could tell I was feeling a lot of pressure. I remember those days, with Anthony being paranoid. Anthony would question every little thing, it got so bad he wanted me to send him every document, before I sent it out, so he could read it first. That was terrible… Louie kept trying to stay positive and wanted me to be as well, as you can see in this letter. I did feel micromanaged and undermined by the owners, at times.

I understand they felt bad, they didn’t experience this stuff before as a Landlord, and thought what they did in August 2016 by ignoring them, was the way to go. They were shown it wasn’t, not with tenants like Kory & Allison Read. They are the type who will put so much pressure on you to do things their way, and when you don’t, they make your life very difficult, hoping the pressure will cause you to give in. They are Bullies and they were not the only ones in that property either.

Once the owners saw that these Tenants would not quit, I was hit with questions from them, about possibilities, and I had no idea. How was I to know what these tenants would do? I just knew they would do something.

My mind was in total conflict, over what I could do and what I wanted to do, all the time. I would see things physical in nature that needed to be done, and I knew I could not do it. I was getting very overwhelmed.

My body was wearing out on me and I was not physically able to do the job required anymore. The stress was getting to me. The physical stress was adding to my mental stress and I couldn’t maintain it. Add the conflict with these tenants in #303 of Kory & Allison Read, with other Bullying Tenants, and you had a downward spiral that just kept going. “The stress of what needs to be done and what I can actually do is wearing me out.”

I had signs then that I was depressed, but I was too busy to do anything about it. I know I put off getting counselling, as I just didn’t have the physical ability to add something else I needed to do, to my plate.

I am depressed, hurt all the time. I am tired. Tired of fighting with tenants, fighting for fairness and to follow the rules for everyone’s safety. Tired of not dependable contractors, tired of listening to complaints. Just tired of all this job.

I am also tired of feeling crappy. My whole body feels seized up and hurts all the time. Headaches so much lately, feeling weak and not much energy. I force myself to do the smallest thing and just the thought of moving, walking the stairs, walking anywhere. 

Depression is terrible and I knew that was what this was. It was also symptoms of Cushing’s Disease, tho I didn’t know at the time. I regret I didn’t look after myself better and gave into the need to put all my energy into my job, and not myself. A job isn’t worth losing myself over, but that was just what happened after. I gave too much of myself to my work, and I paid the price for it. I only had so much energy and put it into the wrong place. I won’t make that mistake again!

I am a strong person, but it don’t matter how strong you are, a person can only take so much stress.

I came to see the cortisol, from being stressed so much, was also causing my body severe issues.

I had so much going on, with my physical health too, it just became a little too much. Dr. Ferguson I speak of on here, was my Cancer Specialist at Princess Margaret Hospital in Toronto and I saw her every year, to monitor for cancer. She did find a lesion that day, and did do a biopsy, but got clear margins with that, so I didn’t need surgery. I get stressed out every time I have to see her, which is understandable. I was dealing with Cancer since 1999.

I was diagnosed with Cushings Disease after. Cushing disease (also called Cushing’s disease) occurs when your body makes too much cortisol, a hormone related to the body’s stress response. They found a benign tumor in my pituitary gland. and I have to take hormone pills the rest of my life. It was funny, as cortisol is the hormone that causes stress and I was under a lot of it anyway. It did a number on my body and caused various symptoms that I was already experiencing from other things.

What happens if I have too much cortisol?

Too much cortisol over a prolonged period of time can lead to a condition called Cushing’s syndrome. This can be caused by a wide range of factors, such as a tumour that produces adrenocorticotropic hormone (and therefore increases cortisol secretion), or taking certain types of drugs. The symptoms include:

  • rapid weight gain mainly in the face, chest and abdomen contrasted with slender arms and legs
  • a flushed and round face
  • high blood pressure
  • osteoporosis
  • skin changes (bruises and purple stretch marks)
  • muscle weakness
  • mood swings, which show as anxiety, depression or irritability
  • increased thirst and frequency of urination.

High cortisol levels over a prolonged time can also cause lack of sex drive and, in women, periods can become irregular, less frequent or stop altogether (amenorrhoea).

In addition, there has been a long-standing association between raised or impaired regulation of cortisol levels and a number of psychiatric conditions such as anxiety and depression. However, the significance of this is not yet clearly understood.

I was producing too much cortisol and it was not helping my muscle weakness, which explains having to force myself to do the smallest of things, as noted in this letter to myself.

I did manage to go to the LTB for these Tenants hearing that was scheduled for October 31, 2017, but they dismissed it when called before the adjudicator. They thought if they went ahead with the Landlord and Tenant Board hearing, and they lost, it would bady reflect on their Divisional Court hearing. It didn’t matter in the end, as they lost in Divisional Court anyway.

I didn’t quit during that time, it took months of so much pressure and stress, before I snapped and lost my mind a bit and quit my job, while I was in psychosis for that 2 days of July 4-6. I quit my job during psychosis and though I don’t remember doing that, I have the email of it. It took a lot of strain before my mind snapped and couldn’t take anymore.

I wasn’t happy over how I went about quitting that job, but in all honesty, I am glad I did. I don’t remember too much about that time, from July 2018-till February 2019 and the Divisional Court hearing that was held, I was too focused on HRTO and keeping my emotions in check to get thru each day.

As I said in other posts, I had more going on, than this situation with Kory & Allison Read. They were the tip of the iceberg that caused all of it to collapse, that’s all. Just another symptom of what was going wrong in my life at that time.

In the end, it worked out for me, as I did get away from all the stress and pressures of those buildings, as I had 5 at the time, not just one. I was the office person for 65 units, spread out over 5 properties of varying sizes, and I dealt with all the tenants and their issues. When we were hired for Kennedy Rd, it was for just that property, but in November 2016, they added the other 4 properties, as I was “so good with tenants”. Gave me all the tenants files and notified them all to contact me over rent and any other issues they might have. When RentSafeTo came out in July 2017, we had 3 buildings that had to get a lot of work done to get up to par for it, and that didn’t help me with stress either. Yes, I did the paperwork for all property and its tenants, from rent increases to building notices and letters to tenants, even rent interest every year. I also walked the buildings, every week, while hubby cleaned them. It was a lot of work, especially for RentSafeTO, but I did it.

I have a lot of documents I wrote to myself during this time, that I have found on my computer. They are all over the place, in different folders and with looking for stuff for my book, I found them. In time, I will share more.

This was the beginning of my extreme stress though. The sleeplessness, the knots in my stomach, and high anxiety, just kept building from this place for me, till I snapped on July 4, 2018.

All it took was Kory Read sending a email to the property owners, filled with my personal application against them with Human Rights, asking them to “check” my actions. They triangulated me with the property owners, sharing personal info they had no right to share, hoping the owners would pressure me even more!

It became a pattern for them to do this when they felt threatened, telling others to “control” me or to “check” my behaviour. I know a lot more now then I did, and I am grateful for that. I will never get into this position ever again!  I don’t want that pressure anymore and I am glad I don’t need to force myself into it.


October 21, 2017

I woke up this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. I’ve been up since 530 am! It’s been awhile since I did that.

I have knots in my stomach. My anxiety is very high this morning. Its all getting too much on me.

Work:

The issues with 303 is driving me nuts. They gave Louie papers yesterday laying out their claim to Divisional Court to fight the eviction we got. They haven’t filed it yet but its all bull. Trying to say that the adjudicator made errors in his judgement. On what grounds? They have maintenance in their apartment and continued to refuse access for the repairs when we could schedule them, wanted us to work at their schedule. How can you that be in error? They state some big conversation that happened in some restaurant last yr yet the letter we got never mentioned any restaurant nor that was it in June If this all happened in June why did they wait to complain in August? They are lies but a lot of their issues are based on lies. I just don’t understand how they think they can win but in the process they hope to wear us out and give in. I am pissed as well. When all this started with these tenants last yr I should have stuck to my guns and followed through then, not give in to Anthony when he asked me to let it go and allow them to pay by etransfer. We are here now and it could have already been settled last year.

A lot of my conversations with Anthony lately make me feel bad as he is always questioning me about what could happen. He was saying yesterday that the paralegal recommended we get a lawyer for the hearing with divisional court and he was complaining about the money, about the hassle. Unfortunately in this business it happens. Either you fight the tenant or you give in to their demands to keep the peace and he tends to go for the latter for less hassle. I feel undermined and micromanaged and it is slowly getting to me. No one likes to be questioned all the time. He even mentioned that  the paralegal asked who took care of it, the hearing, and when Anthony told him I did he said it might cause issues, like this is all my fault. Its bloody depressing!

Everything has been pissing me off. Louie always asking me if I am ok, saying I don’t look happy, that I look like I have a lot on my mind. Of course I do. No one can be happy and upbeat all the time. I’ve told him what is going on with me, my health and the stress of all the crap from tenants. Geez what does he think I am? Someone who can ignore everything going on and stay chipper and smiling all the time? There’s too much going on with all the buildings and this landlord licensing. The stress of what needs to be done and what I can actually do is wearing me out. My mind is always in conflict, over what I want to do and what I can do and it’s making me feel worse. I just can’t do it anymore, the round and round of my thoughts is crazy, and I end up feeling like crap.

I am depressed, hurt all the time. I am tired. Tired of fighting with tenants, fighting for fairness and to follow the rules for everyone’s safety. Tired of not dependable contractors, tired of listening to complaints. Just tired of all this job.

I am also tired of feeling crappy. My whole body feels seized up and hurts all the time. Headaches so much lately, feeling weak and not much energy. I force myself to do the smallest thing and just the thought of moving, walking the stairs, walking anywhere. 

I need to do something, need to make a decision. Week and a half away I get to see Dr Ferguson for my checkup. I know what she will say but will wait till she says it. As soon as I hear the word biopsy I’ll know it is back and I can let all this go.

I am a strong person, in thought and determination, but I can handle only so much. All the health issues is piling up, no medications and don’t know what to do about that. Being investigated for Cushing’s disease, which don’t help my stress levels due to what it does to the body anyway as the stress response is always happening in my system. My knees are getting really bad as well as my hips and back. My back is on fire all the time, tight and sore, my knees are sore and swollen. My body has gotten worse the past few months, I can do less every day, and I can feel it. Just the thought of moving right now is too much.

This job is too stressful for me. It all boils down to the conflict ongoing between what I should be doing in this job and what I can actually do. All these buildings need to be cleaned from top to bottom and I can’t do it and I can’t expect Russell to do it all either. He is only one person. I need to have a clear head for the hearing next week with 303 and I don’t know if I can do it, especially as my appointment is the next morning. I need to be able to deal with this stuff but I feel stuck. Where do I turn? If I quit, where will we go? What will we do? It will take time for Russell to find a job. It’s just so bloody depressing. Sometimes, I wish I could be the type of person to look at my hubby and tell him I can’t do it anymore, I can’t make decisions anymore, I don’t want to make the decisions anymore. 

I need a break, from my own thoughts mostly.

 

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