Stella Reddy Will Not Be Silent No More!

“Recovery is not defined by the complete absence of thoughts or feelings about the traumatic experience but being able to live with it in a way that it isn’t in control of your life.”

This copied above from the article below, is the result of healing we all look for within ourselves, the ability to think about the trauma we experienced and it doesn’t emotionally affect us in any drastic way. We still feel sad this psychological abuse was a fact of our lives, but it doesn’t define us and we can let the thoughts about it flow thru and out of our heads as all memories do in time. I am getting there!

When I think about the fire I went thru 31 years ago, I am able to remember those things, the pictures in my head flow one after the other, and the feelings I felt at the time, also go thru me like fear and an absolute sense of fate I felt that my life will end that day, but my mind does not stay on any one thought or feeling, it just flows thru my mind and out.

I can remember those things, in all their nasty glory, and yet, I have no drastic reactions in my body or in my mind. I have healed from that trauma. It may have taken me the better part of 5 years to do that, but I did heal from this terrible experience. I can remember that even after all the recovery years I went thru, and I am okay, it doesn’t tear me up inside anymore. I know I can reach that level of healing with this Trauma too, as I am doing it. Every day, I am stronger and more resilient. Every day that my Story is here online, is a celebration! It shows the resilience I have gained.

Since I started my healing from this Narcissistic Adult Tenant Bullies Smear Campaign and Cyberbullying, it has taken me the better part of the last 4 years, since Nov 2018, to complete and get where I am today. While I know I still have some time to go thru, as I still have some anger and have not reached the point where I feel I can forgive these smear campaigners, I don’t get emotionally triggered anymore.

I have reached the 3rd stage of healing, as noted in this article, as I recognize how I was victimized and have been making steps towards empowerment and self-determined living.

  • In this third stage of recovery, the person affected by trauma recognizes the impact of the victimization but is now ready to take concrete steps towards empowerment and self-determined living.

Empowerment is the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one’s life and claiming one’s rights.

I have claimed back my voice and my rights to tell my story of being a target of Narcissistic Adult Tenant Bullies who were prior tenants evicted for their own actions but instead made an elaborate smear campaign, claiming they were “targeted”.  I am allowed to speak my truth and share my story so people reading their sites, have both sides to determine their own truth about this if they wanted to.

They made up this lie that I was racist and out to get them, that they did no wrong, broke no apartment living rules, I made all that up, that I did illegal things in my job to get them evicted, and everyone else went along with me, even various agencies. They claim I had so much control over other people to make them do what I wanted of them, even strangers working at the Landlord and Tenant Board and the Social Justice Network Of Ontario! It is so convoluted and the truth needed to be exposed for me to recover!

Recovery for me was what I needed to do to get over the extreme fear I had of being attacked. I had to teach my brain that there is no reason to fear, these previous tenants and their nasty words,  don’t have any control over my life and I set out to prove that to myself this past year and 8 months since I moved back home. I showed my brain, my triggers, that I have no need to worry, they don’t have any power or influence, they don’t know anyone here that they can turn into a flying monkey and work on their behalf. To everyone here in NL, Toxic Adult Bullies are anonymous strangers they don’t know, so there is no need to even read their words about someone else, let alone believe them. I am protected here, and I am very safe here!

I went out of my way to get feedback on those sites and asked what others think they could do to my life and every time, I was told nothing. I made the deliberate act of sharing those sites, with new people in my life, even possible employers, who made up their own minds and let me know what they thought, and all came back with laughter, telling me they understand what those sites are about and it won’t affect what they thought of me. Each time, I got the same response.

I was told those sites will not have any effect on what people thought about me, as it is easy to tell it is gossip and made to shame and humiliate me. It is easy to see those sites were made deliberately by someone out to get me, the anonymity gives it away.

No One trusts what an anonymous person has to say about someone else. I know that now and I will never forget it either. I know the purpose of,,,, sjtomenbervanadapatel,com,, and being online, is for revenge.

As per the poster, I will no longer remain silent over the psychological abuse I was a target of by Toxic Adult Bullies. No matter how many words they put online to try and shame me back into staying quiet so they can be comfortable and move on with their lives after what they did in my name. They had sites online about me since November 2, 2017, and yet come after me for making my own. Nope, I don’t give in to hypocrites.

Never again will I give in to what others want of me, as I no longer am in the position of having anyone telling me what to do. I determine my own path now, as I made it that way. I have no one who can influence my decisions or what I choose to do, other than my hubby. We work together to build our lives and what, and who, we have in them. No one else decides that for us anymore.

I spent over 2 years being quiet, living a life of misery and fear, so others around me could be comfortable. I ended up abusing myself in the process, and Not ever again. I gave in to the requests of other people, so they could be comfortable during this abuse of ME online, and it has made me determined to never do that ever again.

I set out to rebuild my life, and my way, and to determine where I would be and who I would be around. I made sure that no one would ever again have any influence over anything I do.

People will always base their perceptions of another on their own determinations, not on the words of an anonymous person written on a domain in someone’s personal name, where the contents are written in hate and so much resentment. 

Time for all the truth to come out and show just how nasty Smear Campaigners can get!

Signs of Healing 
Recovery and healing look different for everyone. It may take several weeks of no-contact for you to start to feel relief. The level of communication with the narcissist and your ability to hold boundaries will impact your ability to move on with your life. Further, it’s important to look for other narcissists in your life, as there is/was likely one around before you met your narcissistic partner. Similar boundaries may apply to them. However, you will know you are healing when you start to feel safer and more at ease. Here are some signs that you may be healing from narcissistic abuse: 

  1. You feel “lighter” literally and figuratively. For some this means their heart feels unburdened, and/or they may literally lose weight—usually a goal they were unable to achieve while in a relationship with the narcissist, sometimes due to high stress levels, emotional eating or other coping mechanisms. (Note: it is also common to lose weight after any break up due to the traumatic nature of loss. It is important to check in with yourself to assure that any weight loss is occurring at healthy levels.)  
  2. You smile, genuinely, sometimes for no reason. 
  3. You feel a sense of relief. 
  4. Some chronic physical symptoms may begin to alleviate (joint pain, stomach aches, headaches, autoimmune disease flare-ups may reduce in frequency and severity) 
  5. You are better able to concentrate and be present. 
  6. Healthy habits you’ve forgotten about or put on hold come back or seem more appealing (mindfulness practices, exercise, the motivation to cook healthy meals, etc.) 
  7. You feel more connected to your inner world, and less like you need to escape or distract yourself from problems. 
  8. You do not spend your waking hours obsessing and worrying about your partner.  

Recovery is the primary goal for people who have experienced trauma, their families, and their care providers. Recovery does not necessarily mean complete freedom from post-traumatic affects. Recovery is an individual experience and will be and look different for everyone. In general recovery is the ability to live in the present without being overwhelmed by the thoughts and feelings of the past.

Central to the experience of trauma is helplessness, isolation and the loss of power and control. The guiding principles of trauma recovery are the restoration of safety and empowerment. Recovery does not necessarily mean complete freedom from post traumatic effects but generally it is the ability to live in the present without being overwhelmed by the thoughts and feelings of the past.

There is a vigorous debate in the field of traumatic stress as to whether revisiting traumatic memories is necessary for healing or whether it may in fact even be harmful. Obviously this is an individual matter; many may find it beneficial to tell and retell their experiences of trauma where others may find that destructive to their well being.

Trauma recovery is best to be looked upon as a process that is worked on over time and in intentional stages. The re-establishing of safety is the first and most central step in recovery separate and apart from whether the details of the trauma are ever spoken of or not.

Dr. Pierre Janet conceived of a phased framework of trauma recovery in the late 1800’s with Dr. Judith Herman making it more readily known in her seminal work, Trauma and Recovery (1992).

Phase I

Safety and Stabilization

People affected by trauma tend to feel unsafe in their bodies and in their relationships with others. Regaining a sense of safety may take days to weeks with acutely traumatized individuals or months to years with individuals who have experienced ongoing/chronic abuse. Figuring out what areas of life need to be stabilized and how that will be accomplished will be helpful in moving toward recovery. For example:

  • A person who has experienced trauma may struggle with regulating or soothing difficult emotions in everyday life which they might not associate directly to the trauma.
  • Learning how to regulate and manage these difficult/overwhelming emotions.
  • Some people who experienced trauma, particularly complex trauma, may find that speaking about their experiences emotionally overwhelming. Recently, both therapists and researchers have been exploring nonverbal ways to foster emotional regulation. Several studies have suggested that Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) groups and the use of acupuncture for clients with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) reduces negative emotions and promotes a more calm appraisal of life situations (Hollifield, 2007 and Davidson et al, 2003).  There are other types of self soothing practices such as meditation, deep breathing yoga, Chi Qong as well as other spiritual and cultural practices and ceremonies that have been shown to be effective in soothing the nervous system.  Refer to the topic on Mindfulness and other related topic areas. These practices work well with more traditional talk therapies allowing greater stability throughout recovery. Auricular Acupuncture has the added advantage of reducing cravings for alcohol and drugs as well as promoting better sleep and clearer thinking among clients who receive it regularly (Stuyt, 2005). It is also well suited for supporting work with refugees and immigrants in that it is nonverbal and closer to the methods of traditional medicines found in a variety of cultures.

Metaphor for creating safety:

The experience of emotional overwhelm is similar to that of a shaken bottle of soda. Inside the bottle is a tremendous amount of pressure. The safest way to release the pressure is to open and close the cap in a slow, cautious and intentional manner so as to prevent an explosion. (Rothschild, 2010)

Phase II

Remembrance and Mourning

  • This task shifts to processing the trauma, putting words and emotions to it and making meaning of it. This process is usually undertaken with a counselor or therapist in group and/or individual therapy. It might not be necessary or required to spend a lot of time in this phase. It is however necessary to be continuing to attend to safety and stability during this phase. Attending to safety allows the persona affected by trauma to move through this phase in a way that integrates the story of the trauma rather than reacts to it in a fight, flight or freeze response.
  • Pacing and timing are crucial during this phase. If the person affected by trauma becomes quickly overwhelmed and emotionally flooded when talking about their trauma memories, safety and stability must be regained before moving further on with the story. The point is not to “re-live” the trauma but nor is it to tell the story with no emotions attached.
  • This phase involves the important task of exploring and mourning the losses associated with the trauma and providing space to grieve and express their emotions.

Phase III

Reconnection and Integration

  • In this phase there must now be a creation a new sense of self and a new future. This final task involves redefining oneself in the context of meaningful relationships. Through this process, the trauma no longer is a defining and organizing principle is someone’s life. The trauma becomes integrated into their life story but is not the only story that defines them.
  • In this third stage of recovery, the person affected by trauma recognizes the impact of the victimization but are now ready to take concrete steps towards empowerment and self determined living.
  • In some instances, people who have experienced trauma find a mission through which they can continue to heal and grow, such as talking to youth, or peer mentoring. Successful resolution of the effects of trauma is a powerful testament to the resiliency of the human spirit.
  • Recovery is an individual process and will look different for everyone. There is an intense desire to feel well quickly and individuals can feel that the process is taking too long or they are not doing it “right”. Recovery is not defined by complete absence of thoughts or feelings about the traumatic experience but being able to live with it in a way that it isn’t in control of your life. It is important to gentle, patient and compassionate with yourself as you move through this healing process.

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