So many helpful articles online show how to heal from emotional abuse! I share some above that has been helping me get through as well as the counselling I get. They have been very good for me and has opened my eyes a bit more. I still have a lot of anger, don’t know what will help me get past that, but I am trying. There are various stages of healing from emotional abuse you go through and some are really hard. But it is needed.
I’ve never had a problem feeling sorry for myself… I did notice a change this time around though…As I worked through my self-pity, I felt stronger in the end. I have been more honest over my own personal needs this time too. I have become more selfish and it is better for me.
I spend most of my time in introspection, and alone. I have grieved for the loss of my career, especially when it occurred earlier than I expected. I still miss some aspects of the job I had. I had great satisfaction from getting a property to run smoothly. Deciding to just give it all up, for good, was not easy for me to do but my mental health can’t handle being in that pressure anymore, from any job. I miss some of the benefits of working, but I am in a better place now and wouldn’t move anymore. I have all I need where I am.
Now, I am relieved I don’t have to work to survive. I rather relax and stay home, especially during a pandemic like we have. I have been able to protect myself from getting it more where I don’t need to deal with people. I like my life of leisure!
Most of what I miss was my own sense of self. I lost me during all this, I became a sniveling mess for a long time, afraid to move for fear of being attacked, by anyone. I couldn’t focus on anything other than the HRTO and emails from Kory Read that I got almost daily. I couldn’t make even the simplest decision like what to have for dinner! I lost 86 lbs from all the stress and not eating! I hid in my apartment in Ontario for just over 2 years out of this fear, even trying at times to shrink myself to not be seen, even by my own husband and family. I hid away, from everyone. I have flashes of memory of myself sitting in front of my computer in my nightgown, with the headphones on, ignoring everything and everyone around me. Trying to stay sane and for the most part, I did. I am still here!
I even came close a couple of times to losing my marriage. I started believing that everyone was against me and out to get me, including my own husband and family members. That is the effect of Gaslighting from my Bullies, where they tell me how bad I am and that even my own husband was wanting me dead. You see, back in May 13, 2019 my husband received 4 applications, one in each of the Read family, by email that they filed with Human Rights against him. Nothing came out of it though, as I believe HRTO wouldn’t accept it. These came in email from Kory Read himself, not HRTO. He sent them to my husband as he knew I would see them and react, which is what I did. It was very nasty time for me.
Each one was asking for a million dollars, so they wanted 4 million from him on top of the 8 million they wanted from me. The wording within this application is what got to me. It is more gaslighting and it got to my psyche. Read it for yourself below and see why.
By this time, I was feeling beaten. HRTO was dragging out, it was almost a year waiting for a hearing when this came out. I felt a lot of self pity during this time and felt very alone. It was around this time we got the Notice of Hearing for January 2020.
Knowing that another person wished me dead, by suicide no less, was very disheartening.
Kory Read is implying that the property owners, and MY OWN HUSBAND, wished I would have a stroke or commit suicide so they can walk away from this mess.
What I see is Projection, that Kory Read wished this to occur, as he don’t know what other people want. This was really twisted and it affected me no end, like he wanted.
More blatant statements here that is pure Gaslighting by Kory Read!
As you can see from my posts, it still gets to me.
I feel like I was brainwashed into thinking all this was my fault, for not allowing Kory & Allison Read to get away with refusing entry. If I hadn’t taken them to the Tribunal for the refusal of access, none of this would have happened.
No one thinks about the fact that if Kory & Allison Read had followed the rules of entry, it wouldn’t have happened either.
Instead of focusing on the action that caused them to be brought before the Tribunal, their refusal of access, it became about why they believed they were brought there.
How could anyone even think the Tribunal would even accept a application for mediation that was illegal, as they claim?
The convoluted thing about all of it is if they didn’t deny entry, I would have no reason to go to the Tribunal in the first place! Kory Read put the cart before the horse, as they say!
The real reason they were brought before the Board got lost in their lies that followed and it was a deliberate act by Kory & Allison Read. They wanted to bury the original reason under so many false allegations , that it would be forgotten and ignored.
As they had no valid reason for refusing access to the apartment, they were evicted and you can tell they were not expecting that. They thought they could refuse access, because they had fear of possessions going missing, stood there and was so adamant about it too, as they truly believed it would be accepted. Kory Read truly thought in his arrogance that his words would be accepted, even without proof. He learned the hard way, he did not have any authority.
To the Tribunal, that is not a valid reason to deny access, as if stuff does go missing from a tenants apartment and the door is not broken into, it is obvious it was accessed with a key held only by staff. There were cameras too to see who accessed any apartments there, there for that reason!
Claiming stuff would go missing shows such lack of trust in others by them, it shows their own thinking.
Well it is clear that once again Russell Reddy is encouraging and promoting his wife Stella Reddy to act in her racist, prejudice and discriminatory behaviour towards our family. Not only does he not attempt stop her or correct her behaviour of stalking and harassing our family, but he in fact has again been caught enabling her.
Russell Reddy allows his wife Stella Reddy ( a tenant ) to use the Building STAFF ONLY surveillance system to stalk, record our family’s coming and goings from around the building and then he allows her to share it with other tenants in the building. There is no argument to this.
Russell Reddy allowed his wife Stella Reddy to post the Divisional Court Decision on the public board in the lobby which was okayed by the owners Luigi Liscio and Anthony Liscio to try an embarrass our family and to intimidate other tenants into compliance.
It is clear that from day one, 3 years ago, when our family first meet these racist individuals Stella Reddy and Russell Reddy at the restaurant. When Stella Reddy made racial slurs and asked prejudice questions towards our family and Russell Reddy stood by passively, as he has continued to do for the past 3 years, saying or doing anything to control his wife Stella Reddy racist, prejudice discriminatory behaviour.
It is clear that by reviewing the whole situation and events from the beginning, Russell Reddy has accepted, encouraged and stood behind his wife behaviour silently in public about her racist and ignorant views.
Stella Reddy has been acting in this racist, prejudice and discriminatory behaviour since June 2016, and it has only increasingly gotten worse over time, because there has been no attempt to correct her behaviour by the systemically racist judicial system, owners Luigi Liscio, Anthony Liscio, Property Manager Enio Tersigni, Lawyer David Strashin, sister Cindy Jones, son James Jones, family friend Jacqueline Parra Gomez and from her submissive and obedient husband Russell Reddy.
By Russell Reddy, like Luigi Liscio and Anthony Liscio, just sitting back and saying and doing nothing at a minimum, passively allowing Stella Reddy to act in such a racist, prejudice and discriminatory behaviour, and stalking our family they are as guilty as she is.
Russell Reddy like Luigi Liscio and Anthony Liscio, have had many opportunities, time and time again to speak up and check Stella Reddy with warnings or seek help/assistance to stop her behaviour, but they deliberately choose not to. They instead sit back quietly in the shadows and allowed Stella Reddy to be the face and voice for their racist, prejudice views and beliefs against our family. They silently sit by ideally and allow Stella Reddy to continue to travel down this path for only one of two reasons.
1) They agree with her and they encourage her behaviour as she is the voice that they don’t have the courage to be, or
2) They are hoping Stella Reddy has a stroke or commits suicide and they can walk away from this mess.
There are no other possible outcomes for why they have deliberately been allowing Stella Reddy to continue with this racist and prejudice behaviour of discriminating against our family for 3 years.
As of May 11, 2019 Russell Reddy was still encouraging and enabling his wife Stella Reddy to use the Building STAFF ONLY Surveillance System to monitor our apartment.
Stella Reddy stated on her website, which she has subsequently again removed “ I found out something today, Kory Read & Allison Read refused to accept judicial court papers yesterday from a courier sent by lawyers. I heard second hand…”
Again Stella Reddy wants us to believe that courier reported back to the customer that the envelope was not delivered to our home, and then that person/customer than called Stella Reddy to describe the situation to her so she could than report it on her website?
First and foremost how does Stella Reddy know who the envelope was from? If it was from the “lawyers” then that means the “lawyers” had to give her the “second hand” information. And I find that very hard to believe that any lawyer is calling Stella Reddy about anything. Especially since the lawyer does not work for her.
Second, how does she know that the envelope was not delivered because we were not home?
Hmmm, this is an interesting thought. The camera view that looks down the hall cannot see if our door is opened or not. So how would Stella Reddy know if we refused or if we were not home?
The fact that she knew I answered the door, in and among itself pretty astonishing.
Let me clearly state that I opened the door and spoke with the courier at that time. I was not hiding, and I could clearly see down the hallway. And once again let me clarify that there was no imaginary “friend” present in the hallway to give Stella Reddy any imaginary “second hand” information.
Again Stella Reddy was watching the Building STAFF ONLY surveillance system, alongside her husband Russell Reddy when they saw me come out from the unit and speak with the courier
So now that we have concluded that David Strashin did not call Stella Reddy to update her the delivery situation, and there was no one in the hall at the time. It is pretty clear that Stella Reddy was sitting in her apartment watching the Building STAFF ONLY surveillance system at 6:30 pm that night. As her husband Russell Reddy stood by encouraging and enabling her to stalk our family.
Just like back during the Great World War II, when Nazi soldiers and ranking officers would stand by ideally, protecting their mighty Führer Adolf Hitler.
Owners Luigi Liscio, Anthony Liscio, Property Manager Enio Tersigni, Lawyer David Strashin, sister Cindy Jones, son James Jones, family friend Jacqueline Parra Gomez and husband Russell Reddy also stand by ideally, protecting their own Führer, Stella Reddy.
Russell Reddy is as guilty as his wife Stella Reddy as for 3 years he has stood by ideally in the same home, watching and obviously encouraging his wife to act out in this racist and prejudice behaviour that clearly discriminates and has discriminated against our family.
Russell Reddy has silently cheered on his wife Stella Reddy from behind their unit door as her racist and prejudice behaviour is only get worse by the day. And it is clear that Russell Reddy, Luigi Liscio, Anthony Liscio, Property Manager Enio Tersigni, Lawyer David Strashin have no intentions of correcting Stella Reddy behaviour after 3 years, in the interest of protecting the racist Stella Reddy to protect themselves.
Their acceptance of the stalking habits and use of the Building STAFF ONLY service system on a daily basis by Stella Reddy and her enabler Russell Reddy are again marginalized as insignificant and baseless.
Yes, I was guilty of watching Kory Read at times thru the camera system, but mostly when I was told he was up to something. I have no guilt over that, as I was protecting myself from him and his friends. I use to check the cameras before I had to leave my apartment to make sure no one was around, even when I went to the laundry room. My husband would also watch me when I left the apartment to make sure no one approached me. I used the cameras in the building for my own protection. Doing laundry was hard, I would run into other tenants but NOT KORY READ. That was why I looked most of the time, to make sure I wouldn’t run into them.
I also lost some people I was close too, even family members, over the Bullying and I will never fully recover from that. Kory Read invaded the social media of so many of my family and snitched pictures of them and their children that he used in his Bullying of me. You can see in the above applications some of the names of people in my life that Kory Read included in his Bullying of me. That is the intention of a Smear Campaign after all, to isolate the target.
He succeeded, BUT I worked through my grief from that. I am okay now with all that I lost during these years as I have ended up in a way better place, physically and mentally.
My anger has turned into a burning need to LEARN WHY I am being attacked so severely online within various domains containing my personal information, to learn about Adult Bullies, Narcissism, and it various traits like Gaslighting, Triangulation, Manipulation, and the others that help me understand why Kory Read is attacking me and how he is doing it.
It also has made me determined to expose their actions for what they are and align them with the many traits I have learned about to help put it in perspective. I was attacked, for doing my job and holding them to account for breaking the rules. They didn’t like being brought to the LTB, yet refused to do anything to fix it but expected everyone else to. He nabbed the owner in the Lobby one day, expressly to convince him to drop it all. He even tried to blackmail me into going to Divisional Court and lie so it could be dismissed. Innocent people don’t do those things.
My sadness has taught me that no matter what, I have to look after myself and meet my own needs, as no one else will nor would they even know how. I found out I had to do it for myself, by myself, once I figured out what it was I needed. I also had to learn to express these needs in a better way, and I have. My communication skills have improved when talking to people and I recognize some of these traits in others.
The main need I had was to get away from that building and any chance of being attacked. I learned I couldn’t depend on many to help me so I learned to do it for myself and I still am. I have more support these days but I know I could go it alone if I need too. The planning our move took, over the 3 months before we left, also helped me mentally. I had something else to focus on and knowing I was leaving was such a relief!
The shame I felt, I found out it isn’t mine to carry. Kory Read constantly tried to shame me for every word and action I ever did, even trying to shame me for other people’s behaviours. You can see it in the words above in the application they did on my husband as well as in every document I share here. I also stopped feeling shame for the reactions of other people to these websites they had online. I didn’t put them there and refuse to feel any shame over them anymore.
I came to accept I did nothing wrong, just did my job and followed procedures set out by other agencies. Kory Read implies that watching him in the camera system is evidence of racism and discrimination, but it is just a sign of my extreme paranoia he created with his actions, online and in the property. There was no trust and I used the tools I had available to protect myself and my family.
I do own some of my behaviours like watching them on the camera system, but I know I wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t feel the need to do it for my own protection. I did what I need to do to protect myself and I will never apologize for that.
Kory Read was a sly person, and it wasn’t only me who watched them, all out of paranoia Kory Read created. There was a app for the camera system that anyone could use and access from their smartphone, as long as they had the login info. I didn’t lie about the “basically bumping into me” Kory Read did, and I have a letter from the other tenant who was with me verifying that. I also have a letter from the other tenant who first saw him use the keyless code, and I have video of him doing it once I was told he did. I have the letter I sent in 2016 telling tenants all the keyless codes were now gone from the panel, so no, that code he was given no longer worked.
I have video of Kory Read in the Lobby nabbing people as they came and went. I have video of Kory Read putting notices in every mailbox notifying all tenants about stellareddy.com. I even have him going up and down the stairwell one morning with something at 3 am. The worst, is the video I have of Kory Read in the elevator, putting a picture of me he has on his phone up to the camera and he had put a moustache and beard on my picture. Are these actions of a trustworthy, and innocent, person?
The camera system was a wonderful resource to get evidence of Kory Read’s sly actions within the property that he denied doing. This is why he got so upset over me having access to it, as he didn’t want me to have anything I could use against him. Kory Read didn’t want me to have any proof of his actions with tenants and in the property.
The responsibility for this mess fully belongs on my Bullies, Kory & Allison Read.
They started it with their lies of a prior meeting they claim we had, even before I moved in to work there, that I have more than enough evidence to show it did not happen.
This is why they walked from the HRTO, they knew I could prove it a lie.
I am a good person who went through a very nasty malicious smear campaign done by adult bullies who tried very hard to make me commit suicide from their gaslighting and various false allegations. These Bullies went after everything I valued and tried to ruin it with their lies and gossip and they did it online and in person in the property.
Only when I started to stand up for myself, not just in defence, but with knowledge of the traits being shown by their actions and words, did the sites disappear from the hosting company.
They didn’t have to be so extreme in their vehemence of refusal of entry. They did it every time access was asked for, for over a year span before they were taken to the Tribunal. I told them the rules, copied and pasted the rules to them numerous times, even gave them phone numbers of LTB and legal Clinics, so they could ask someone else. I did try to get them to accept it is what it is, but they never would. Instead, they came up with some elaborate scheme that everyone is a racist, cause they are an interracial couple. First, it was me and as each person didn’t give them what they wanted, they too got added to the list!
They stood in the hearing and stated no one was getting in when no one was home, which is against the rules and not something a tenant can get away with doing. Kory Read didn’t need to stand in the apartment door that day and throw accusations and call me names either, that is also on him. Kory Read also didn’t need to do websites either, filled with his many lies and leaving out so much, trying to incite hate.
They learned that just because they make a claim against someone of racism, or any claim, it isn’t automatically believed, You evicted me? Your racist cause you evicted a interracial couple.
I now know what they do, and how they do it. I know why they do it too, out of revenge for their eviction.
I still have to work on my anger, as I still have quite a bit of it, but I am not sad anymore. I haven’t have a psychotic episode since I moved back to Newfoundland. I haven’t had insomnia either. That is how safe I feel living here.
I don’t automatically assume that people are going to attack me anymore when I meet them and I know that no one goes home and does a search of my name, as they really don’t need to. Even if they did, they will find my site with theirs and can see both sides, not just one. No one is disgusted by me and no one wants me dead, except for them. I know I am accepted and loved, by many people, including myself. There is no more shame, no more guilt, for anything, as I know I didn’t do any of this, it was DONE TO ME by someone else.
I deserve to have peace from Kory & Allison Read’s severe Bullying. 5 years is way too long! They did all they could with the legal system and lost every one, over 2 yrs time, and finally gave up and moved out before the Sherriff could come and kick them out. They lost but of course would not quit trying to ruin me and incite hate against me by making websites filled with vicious contents. I know they will continue, as they have shown me they can’t be trusted.
Once released from a frozen state, anger can turn into healthy agency; sadness can turn into asking for what we need; and shame can turn into remembering our inherent goodness and knowing where responsibility really lies for what happened to us.
5 Hidden Gifts of “Feeling Sorry for Yourself”
Sorrow for what we lost is central to regaining a sense of wholeness.
- There are times when grieving for ourselves is not only appropriate but also is the path to healing.
- We often—understandably—stay away from grieving.
- Grief is honoring what came before and what will nourish our journey forward.
There are times when grieving for ourselves, for what came before, and for what we had no control over is not only appropriate but also is the path of healing. Particularly with CPTSD (complex posttraumatic stress disorder), sorrow for what we lost of ourselves in hurtful words, actions, and betrayals by important others is central to regaining a sense of wholeness.
We often—understandably—stay away from grieving for ourselves for these reasons:
- Grief for one’s self and one’s experiences can be judged with shaming pejoratives like it’s “self-centered,” or it’s just “feeling sorry for yourself.” Often before a client begins to tell me about his particular sadness, he’ll preface it with an “acknowledgment” that “others have it worse,” “I’m not trying to have a pity party,” or “I know I’m blessed, so I feel weak/dumb/ungrateful to say this…” I assure this client that our space, and the space of our connection, is exactly where he can explore his singular losses and all the grief he needs to unburden himself from.
- Personally, we may fear that if we actually go there, we’ll be lost in our grieving forever. Clients have described it as “like a deep pool, and if I go in, I’ll never resurface,” and, “It’s like a giant balloon…if I let the air out of it, I’ll collapse.” When we gently approach our self-sorrowing, we don’t have to go under or collapse. Understanding what lies beneath it is actually the way out.
Grief, especially feeling sorrow for ourselves, travels with three particular emotions— anger, distress, and shame. While, without question, this trifecta of feelings can feel unbearable, it also carries gifts. Once released from a frozen state, anger can turn into healthy agency; sadness can turn into asking for what we need; and shame can turn into remembering our inherent goodness and knowing where responsibility really lies for what happened to us.
These five aspects of self-sorrowing acknowledge what went before and help create new narratives:
1. Taking our own part now: Connecting with our healthy anger helps us to acknowledge how younger parts of us were treated unfairly, could not claim their voice, or could not protect their healthy boundaries. When we can bear to feel this, we can be clear that we will not accept similar behavior from others in the present and seek out respectful connections with supportive others.
2. Asking for or giving ourselves what we need now: Connecting with our distress and sadness is an honoring of what happened and the attendant losses of connection, possibilities, kindness, or basic needs. It is a recognition of the importance of what was lost and a resolution to bring those things in some form into one’s life at present. Distress is a signal to ask for help—as adults we can ask for help, and find it for ourselves.
3. Acknowledging our powerlessness then and claiming our strength now: Shame is activated with the feeling of powerlessness, the loss of connection, or a sense that “I’m broken” by proxy of my dysfunctional family. Paradoxically, when we can accept that we were powerless, we can also find compassion toward the child we once were. We can offer her the support, kindness, and compassion to realize that, in the present, she is no longer frozen in her childhood powerlessness. As an adult, she has different resources now and can act on her own behalf.
4. Giving our experiences “new meaning” that serves us now: Children make meaning of ill treatment by believing that they are “bad” and “unlovable.” With the perspective we can bring as adults, grieving allows us to notice and correct the child’s beliefs that he was to blame for what happened to him. I ask clients to find pictures of themselves at particular ages. Gazing at the little faces of who they were facilitates compassion, self-love, and the intention to meet one’s healthy needs now. From an adult perspective, we can begin to correct the sense of unworthiness we may have carried for entirely too long.
5. Gold in survival strategies: When we can connect with those parts of us bound in grief and frozen in survival mode, we can open up the healing potential that also resides there. Even with the worst experiences, there is often a childlike wonderment that burned like a little flame waiting to be rekindled. Things like childlike joy, creativity, curiosity, and humor still remain. Old, thwarted interests in books, play, art, learning, sports, or friends may come forward. These reconnections can give fresh life to our adult world and balance us with rediscovered resources.
When we effectively grieve and honor what never could be for us, we can turn from staring at the door shut behind us toward what we can and need to open out ahead of us. As adults, we can more consciously provide for ourselves what was necessary at one time and what will nourish our journey forward.
Something inside me has changed these past few weeks. I have made it my mission to find positives in my world, that help me focus on living and enjoying my life to the fullest.
I get sick of all the negativity! Tired of thinking about narcissism, the tactics they use, and reading so much on those topics. I hate re-reading all the emails and documents I have from my Adult Bullies, looking for instances of these tactics in play. I am done with it now, time to move on…. Time to let the past go and focus on me and my future of recovery.
Since August 2021, I have spent a couple of hours in the AM writing on this blog and then spend the rest of my day looking for all the good in my life that negates all that negativity. I read positive articles, look for positive posters, and think of all the good things I have, which is quite a bit.It is easier to focus on the good these days.
All the good now in my life erases all the bad from this situation. I am financially secure, no worries about bills being paid and I have everything I need, and even some things I want! My health isn’t the best, but I have learned to do what I can with what I have and have been doing that for years.
I can still go for walks in this beautiful scenery we have and sit by the Ocean to absorb its wonder and I live in a beautiful home close to everything I need, all within walking distance too! I have no more fears of being attacked, by anyone, mentally or physically. Not for any reason. I am very safe here.
Most of all, I have my sense of self back! I know who I am once again! I recognize gaslighting now with the other tactics as I have educated myself and it won’t happen anymore.
There is so much to be grateful for! See all the beauty around you! Look in the mirror, that person you see in the reflection, deserves to be HAPPY!
I am happier every day that passes as I came to my senses over all this. I became a target because I was a strong person who wouldn’t allow these Tenant Bullies get away with breaking the rules of entry they were doing on a regular basis, in writing no less giving me evidence of it! I have proven this to myself and need no other validation. There’s a name for ya, Tenant Bullies! Tenants who bully to get their way of breaking the rules of apartment living!
It’s time to stop thinking, and writing, about the Narcissistic Adult Bullies, Kory Read & Allison Read.
we enjoy this game of cat and mouse with her and her husband. We enjoy owning Stella Reddy and having them devote their entire days, weeks, months, years, and literally their lives to us.
Stella Reddy goes to bed thinking about us, and wakes up thinking about us, and that is good enough for us.
Kory & Allison Read will never do any better. They will always look for someone else to blame for their life’s troubles. They will always compare their lives with other people, as they want to be seen as better, in all things. They think a title, like Doctor, will make you a better person and more productive to society when people are more interested in a person’s character.
I now know what they do, why they do it, and how they do it. I don’t need to write about them anymore. I have shown more than enough for anyone to see what stellareddy.com, and the other 5 domains, are all about. It is all Mental Abuse of me, Stella Reddy, hoping the distress it causes, would make me commit suicide or have others attack me. I did have severe fears of Kory Read attacking me, or someone his nasty words instigated into it.
Most of the mental health damage I endured, was mostly in my own psyche and was caused by the severe gaslighting , triangulation, manipulation, and continual false accusations thrown at me in rapid succession by Kory Read through email and documents within the HRTO applications. Every action I did, every words I said or wrote, was picked apart daily by my Bullies and it is easy to see within their contents, emails, and documents I have.
As a fellow blogger writes here that I got this morning, My Bullies wanted people to hate me like they do; wanted people to focus on me and my shortcomings he highlights, so they won’t focus on his; shows he is jealous of my marriage and the unconditional support my husband has given me, with my other family members; and is spreading rumours hoping to get out ahead of the truth. They were desperate to get their “facts” out in the world, hoping to create doubt for when the truth finally gets exposed.
They wanted to hurt me, emotionally and physically, and they did all this deliberately. Taking my personal name for the title, was the height of abuse against me, as it made it more personal.
Social Aggression: When Bullies Spread Lies and Rumors About You
The possible underlying messages are:
“I hate you, and I want everyone else to hate you too!”
“I’m jealous of your relationships!”
“I don’t want you to have friends! I don’t want you to be popular with others! I don’t want you to have support or protection because I plan to bully you again later! Any success you have in relationships will only highlight my lack of social graces or my own dysfunctional relationships! So, I’m going to destroy your friendships to punish you and make myself feel and look better than you! I’m going to trash your reputation so I can shine, and so people will pay more attention to your flaws than they will mine!”
“I’m going to use you as a distraction from my own shortcomings. If people are too busy focusing on your flaws, they’re less likely to see mine.”
When the Bully Justifies Themselves to You or Others, or When They Blame You for Their Bad Behavior
The possible messages are:
“I’m so scared that you’ll see right through me! So, I’m going to make you doubt your sanity. I’m going to make you feel like everything I do to you is your fault! That way, you’ll be least likely to call attention to my terrible actions and make me look bad or get me in trouble with authority!”
“I’m so afraid you’ll expose my terrible deeds to others and damage the excellent reputation that I’ve falsely kept up for so long! So, I’ve got to make up any excuse that sounds plausible to keep my evils hidden and avoid facing accountability!
“I’m scared that I’ll be found out and punished! So, I’m blaming you so that everyone will think you’re at fault and believe you are the bully! By accusing you, I can avoid responsibility, then get the green light to keep harassing you! Then, I can keep getting the psychological and emotional benefits I’ve been getting at your expense!”
So, you see? The bully’s treatment of you is about them! Not you! Learn to see through the bullies’ facades, and I guarantee that their attacks will have a much lesser effect on you.
I cleaned up this site, removed some repetition and moved some pages to another, but I am done writing about Kory & Allison Read and their words. I showed enough for people to see this for what it really is, I don’t need to prove it anymore.
I need to focus on me and it is what I will do. As the poster says above, you will heal and the sun will rise again. Time heals…
Below, you will find I copied a lot of this article I read online this morning. Within its contents are a lot of the strageties I have been practicing the past year to help me get through this situation and recover my mental health and get back to myself.
Are you trying to discover how to heal from emotional abuse in your current or past relationship?
Well, you are in the right place!
Emotional abuse is extremely painful but you can heal and live your best life yet.
In this article we will discuss:
How To Recognize Emotional Abuse
Aftermath of Emotional Abuse
Healing From Emotional Abuse
- Step 1: Acknowledge the Abuse
- Step 2: Change Negative Thought Patterns
- Step 3: Engage in Self Care
- Step 4: Set Boundaries
- Step 5: Know When to Seek Help
Section 3: Healing From Emotional Abuse
There is hope to heal from the pain emotional abuse creates.
You are not alone in your journey. Like you, many people have experienced emotional abuse and have found healing and meaningful connections in healthy relationships.
Below are 5 steps to help you in your healing process.
Acknowledge the Abuse
Thinking about and accepting your past abuse as a real event can be very difficult to do but it’s the first step to healing from your experiences.
Many people find it difficult to acknowledge their past abuse. This can sometimes be due to a belief that says “I’m shameful for having been abused” OR “What I experienced really wasn’t all that bad”. Other times people repress their past abuse with the hope that if they don’t acknowledge it, it will go away.
One thing can be sure, the longer your emotional pain from abuse is allowed to remain unacknowledged, the more negative impacts it will produce in your life.
As you begin to acknowledge your abuse for what it was, you will also begin to take back personal power over your life.
When you decide to engage with your old wounds, be aware that it’s normal to feel the same emotions you felt at the time of your abuse. These painful feelings have remained inside you and will only be healed when you accept and move through them.
Change Negative Thought Patterns
Emotional abusers alter your experience of reality by telling you lies about yourself and about the world until you accept their explanation of reality over your own. After enough time, you begin to accept these messages which affect the way you see yourself. These unhealthy thoughts can become the voice in your head (your self talk) that tells you exactly what your abuser told you.
As you begin to process your past abuse, one way you can begin healing is by challenging your self- talk and dispensing with the negative thinking patterns you find there.
Negative thinking patterns have been linked to anxiety, depression, and feelings of shame, guilt, and blame.
These types of messages will retain their grip on your life and mind until you begin calling them out for what they are and replacing them with new and healthier patterns of thinking.
Engage in Self Care
Many of the suggestions below may seem trivial but they are extremely important to your healing process. When you begin to take care of your needs, you will have more energy, support, and nutrients to overcome the struggles you’re facing.
Here are a few practical ways to begin the process of regaining power over your life:
1. EMBRACE MORE OF YOUR WANTS AND DESIRES
Many victims of abuse recall that their only purpose was to keep their abuser satisfied.
You may have forgotten likes, dislikes, passions, hobbies, etc. To begin the process of healing from your emotional abuse you will need to rediscover who you used to be and who you want to become.
Start Small: Do something you love. Ask yourself what you have been wanting to do. Have you been wanting to join a bowling team, go to a painting class or take up underwater basket weaving? DO IT! And after that, do something else you have wanted to do. This is your time to reclaim your mind and life.
Oftentimes, people who have experienced emotional abuse can carry excessive shame when it comes to being their authentic self.
For more information on this topic check out a leading researcher Brene Brown’s video on how to overcome shame and self worth → HERE
2. MAKE YOUR PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, AND SPIRITUAL NEEDS A PRIORITY
Part of the healing process from emotional abuse is caring for yourself. When in an abusive relationship you can quickly lose sight of what a healthy, normal lifestyle should look like.
Loss of self-esteem is one of the hallmark consequences of emotional abuse victims because they are led to believe they don’t matter or they aren’t valuable. We take care of the people who matter to us. When you take care of your needs, you will begin to develop the belief that you matter.
Treat yourself like you’re valuable and you will begin to feel like you’re valuable too.
GET YOURSELF MOVING
Begin by asking yourself what type of exercise would you enjoy most? Remember, whatever you decide to do is entirely up to you, so do something you love.
Exercise releases endorphins in your brain. These endorphins are often referred to as your brain’s “happy drugs”. They are responsible for regulating your mood. Doing aerobic exercises for as little as 90 minutes each week can help to reduce your risk of depression and help you sleep better.
When you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, your focus is always on the other person. Not only this, the intense emotions in these volatile relationships can lead you to eat in unhealthy ways and amounts. When you begin to eat right, you will find that your body has the nutrients it needs to better regulate your energy levels and emotions.
- Eat plenty of fruits and vegetables
- Be sure to get your protein
- Drink plenty of water
- Don’t skip meals
- Don’t eat lost of fast food or processed foods
GET ENOUGH SLEEP
There is no better way to keep yourself from making progress than being exhausted all the time. Try some of the following:
- Creating a routine gives you more control over your life (And enough sleep) . Create a habit of going to sleep at the same time each evening, getting a solid 8 hours of sleep and then waking up at the same time each morning.
- Create a relaxing evening routine that helps you wind down (What helps you relax?). Over time, your brain will associate this evening ritual with sleep and you will begin falling asleep faster.
- Exercising during the day will help you be sufficiently tired in the evening.
- Don’t use electronics before bed.
- Be sure your room is sufficiently dark.
Below are some different relaxing activities you can do before going to sleep:
- Put on some calming music or sounds of rainstorms, the ocean, etc.
- Do 3 minutes of deep breathing
- Do 5 minutes of mindfulness exercises
- Read a book
- Dim the lights
- Drink bedtime tea
3. CREATE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS AND ALLOW OTHERS TO SUPPORT YOU
Friends, family, and faith communities can support you as you work through difficult situations (even if you don’t feel comfortable sharing with them).
While you never have to do anything you don’t want to do, it can be very helpful to find one or two trusted friends or family members who will listen without judgement and offer the empathy and compassion you need to heal.
If this isn’t an option, we suggest you think about joining a support group with other people who have been through traumatic and abusive situations.
Abusive relationships break down your trust in other people and keeps you isolated.
Remaining socially isolated can keep you feeling down and dependent on unhealthy relationships.
It is also common for individuals who receive constant criticism, judgment, and rejection from past abusers to experience feelings of unsafety in social relationships or a fear of being negatively evaluated and rejected by others.
If social isolation has crept up on you, it’s time to reconnect.
Healthy relationships have been linked to increased sense of worth and belonging and decreased stress. Not only this but engaging in healthy relationships also increases the release of those happy neurotransmitters called dopamine, giving you feelings of happiness and fulfillment.
Consider doing the following:
- Go to lunch with a friend you have spoken to in a while.
- Invite a family member you enjoy to a movie.
- Say yes to an invitation when your feelings are telling you to stay home.
- Engage in a social hobby to meet new people.
Section 4: Don’t rush yourself, healing can take some time
Be patient and empathetic with yourself as you heal. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel confused, scared, tense, angry or any other emotions that come up.
These feelings are a normal part of the healing process and there is no rush to get past them. They are yours and it’s okay to sit with them and experience them. Having and experiencing painful feelings doesn’t make you anything except courageous.
When you have healthy boundaries you should notice these changes:
- You won’t need to defend yourself: You don’t need to defend yourself for anything within your boundaries or feel guilty for having your own needs, wants, or desires. This is as ridiculous as defending what things you keep in your house to your neighbor. It’s not their house and so it’s not their business.
- You won’t take it personally: When someone has a problem with what’s in your boundaries, it’s exactly that, their problem. If an abuser doesn’t like the way you act, think or feel or hold you responsible for how THEY think, act or feel, this is also their problem, not yours. These things have nothing to do with you so you should not feel ashamed, guilty, or anything else about it.
- You won’t try to make them understand: Trying to make other people understand and approve of what is within your boundaries is like trying to explain to your neighbor why it’s okay for you to love that ugly brown couch you’ve had since college. If that couch is in YOUR living room, the only person’s approval you need is your own!
Know When to Seek Help
Knowledge is power.
Emotional abusers want you to depend on them to determine who you are and how you should see the world. The more knowledge you have, the more power you will have to get your life back under your control.
- You feel unsafe in your current living situation but aren’t sure how to find solutions.
- You feel your situation is explosive or potentially destructive.
- Your feelings are too powerful to face alone and you want help to process.
- Your past trauma is too much to handle alone.
- You think you may be depressed.
- You feel afraid or anxious often.
- You’re experiencing nightmares, flashbacks or your startle easily.
- You find that you’re not able to manage your day to day responsibilities.
- You’re having problems sleeping
- You have been using mood altering substances to cope.
If you practise the strategies discussed in this article, you will be well on your way to healing from the wounds of emotional abuse.