Quora Digest: Articles That Helped!

Narcissist Attack

As I was going through my papers, I came across some of my old posts from Quora Digest that I read over the years that helped me with this situation. So much info on narcissism and bullying! There is way too much to read in my lifetime, it makes me sad to know this is such a prevalent issue. Some I see is very helpful, some was not.

It is by reading and absorbing other people’s situations, reading and absorbing psychological articles, and even in counselling, that I learned I need not worry about the personal opinions of another on how I live my life. As it is my lie, it is always my choice what I say and do. 

I have learned their intention is to intimidate, offend, degrade and humiliate, ME, in attempts to control what I do and say. These Bullies think that by sharing what they have online, I will be so ashamed and humiliated by their words of accusation, I will walk away with my tail between my legs and let them do what they want.. These domains are there to try and intimidate me and control what I do.

Kory & Allison Read want me to hide away from people and places and live in fear and misery the rest of my life, afraid of being recognized and attacked because of their anonymous posts online. Not gonna happen! It isn’t in my blood to do any of that. I stand and fight for my right to live my life on my terms, not be dictated by a asshole narcissistic bully.

For one thing, I have come to accept their opinions don’t count, not one person out there in this world has a right to tell me what to do and how to live my life. They can try, but I don’t need to listen if I don’t want too! That is the essence I came to see!

I follow the rules of my own moral code and that of my Country. My moral code is what stops me from being as malicious about their personal life, as they have been about mine. I refuse to speculate on their marriage, their careers, or lack of, not even their children, unless it is about the site in my name they have. As Kory Read promoted these Rights, forgetting that I too am also covered under all these! I am free also of

  1. freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including freedom of the press and other media of communication;

Fundamental freedoms – section 2

2. Everyone has the following fundamental freedoms:

  1. freedom of conscience and religion;
  2. freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including freedom of the press and other media of communication;
  3. freedom of peaceful assembly; and
  4. freedom of association.

All the rules made in society is there for a reason, but it is up to the individual to follow them and if not, they get to live with the consequences. Just as Kory Read made the decision to deny entry, not once but many times over a year period, and that action is what he was made accountable for, but of course he refused to accept it. That is his choice. Making and posting domains, is also his choice.

Whatever comes out of these sites for them, is for them to deal with. Kory Read boxed himself in a corner he can never get out of anymore by putting his allegations online. His name will forever be associated with these websites and their nasty malicious contents against so many people and agencies in Ontario, even in Dominica with the Roosevelt Skerrit site. His name now has become very well known with the internet and the fraud they committed in my name. If anyone has reason to search their names, they will find all the info they need to help them decide whether to deal with them or not.

People in the world will believe what they want too, but since I have been left alone and have been able to build a life for myself in my home province this past year and half with no problems, I accept that society just don’t care about what they write, as my life has not been affected by it. I can live my life here and never worry about the personal opinions of these people affecting anything I access or people I meet, as they don’t have the power and influence to do anything.

Being in a Smear Campaign in your name, is terrible mind f*ck.  No 2 ways about it, it seriously screws with your mind, but you need to accept and understand what it took me years to see: To hell with Bullies! Do to them what they do to you and see how fast and far they run and hide away! They made a site about me, I made a site about me filled with what they do in the site about me.

I made mistakes and read their words and let them stick in my head and control what I did, for my own mental health, I had to kick them out and show myself that they have no control in what I do. I go out every day and see for myself the freedom I have from their nasty words online in a domain in my name. I see the smiles on the faces of my fellow Newfies and know I am safe, even if for some strange reason they are seen, I know I will always be safe here from the personal opinions of Narcissistic Adult Tenant Bullies!  You know why? It is MY Life!


May 26, 2019

Bullying Changes You – How it has changed me

Bullying in the Workplace

What is workplace bullying?

Bullying is usually seen as acts or verbal comments that could ‘mentally’ hurt or isolate a person in the workplace. Sometimes, bullying can involve negative physical contact as well. Bullying usually involves repeated incidents or a pattern of behaviour that is intended to intimidate, offend, degrade or humiliate a particular person or group of people. It has also been described as the assertion of power through aggression.

Is bullying a workplace issue?

Yes, bullying is a workplace issue. However, is sometimes hard to know if bullying is happening at the workplace. Many studies acknowledge that there is a “fine line” between strong management and bullying. Comments that are objective and are intended to provide constructive feedback are not usually considered bullying, but rather are intended to assist the employee with their work.

As described by WorkSafeBC, bullying and harassing behaviour does not include:

  • Expressing differences of opinion.
  • Offering constructive feedback, guidance, or advice about work‑related behaviour.
  • Reasonable action taken by an employer or supervisor relating to the management and direction of workers or the place of employment (e.g., managing a worker’s performance, taking reasonable disciplinary actions, assigning work).

There is no way to predict who may be the bully or the target.

What are examples of bullying?

While bullying is a form of aggression, the actions can be both obvious and subtle. It is important to note that the following is not a checklist, nor does it mention all forms of bullying. This list is included as a way of showing some of the ways bullying may happen in a workplace. Also remember that bullying is usually considered to be a pattern of behaviour where one or more incidents will help show that bullying is taking place.

Examples include:

  • Spreading malicious rumours, gossip, or innuendo.
  • Excluding or isolating someone socially.
  • Intimidating a person.
  • Undermining or deliberately impeding a person’s work.
  • Physically abusing or threatening abuse.
  • Removing areas of responsibilities without cause.
  • Constantly changing work guidelines.
  • Establishing impossible deadlines that will set up the individual to fail.
  • Withholding necessary information or purposefully giving the wrong information.
  • Making jokes that are ‘obviously offensive’ by spoken word or e-mail.
  • Intruding on a person’s privacy by pestering, spying or stalking.
  • Assigning unreasonable duties or workload which are unfavorable to one person (in a way that creates unnecessary pressure).
  • Underwork – creating a feeling of uselessness.
  • Yelling or using profanity.
  • Criticizing a person persistently or constantly.
  • Belittling a person’s opinions.
  • Unwarranted (or undeserved) punishment.
  • Blocking applications for training, leave or promotion.
  • Tampering with a person’s personal belongings or work equipment.

If you are not sure an action or statement could be considered bullying, you can use the “reasonable person” test. Would most people consider the action unacceptable?

How can bullying affect an individual?

People who are the targets of bullying may experience a range of effects. These reactions include:

  • Feelings of frustration and/or helplessness.
  • Increased sense of vulnerability.
  • Loss of confidence.
  • Physical symptoms such as:
    • Inability to sleep.
    • Loss of appetite.
  • Psychosomatic symptoms such as:
    • Stomach pains.
  • Panic or anxiety, especially about going to work.
  • Family tension and stress.
  • Inability to concentrate.
  • Low morale and productivity.

How can bullying affect the workplace?

Bullying affects the overall “health” of an organization. An “unhealthy” workplace can have many effects. In general these include:

  • Increased absenteeism.
  • Increased turnover.
  • Increased stress.
  • Increased costs for employee assistance programs (EAPs), recruitment, etc.
  • Increased risk for accidents / incidents.
  • Decreased productivity and motivation.
  • Decreased morale.
  • Reduced corporate image and customer confidence.
  • Poor customer service.

Are there any laws addressing bullying in the workplace in Canada?

To date, few Canadian jurisdictions have occupational health and safety legislation that is specific to bullying.

In British Columbia, WorkSafeBC has developed policies and resources related specifically to workplace bullying and harassment. Treasury Board of Canada has published “People to People Communication – Preventing and Resolving Harassment for a Healthy Workplace”.

However, almost all jurisdictions have legislation specific to workplace violence and/or harassment. A list of which acts and regulations that cover violence/harassment is available on our website. Please note that while you can see the list of legislation for free, you will need a subscription to view the actual documentation.

Where there is no legislation which specifically addressed bullying, the general duty clause establishes the duty of employers to protect employees from risks at work. These risks can include harm from both physical and mental health aspects.

In addition, federal and provincial human right laws prohibit harassment related to race, national or ethnic origin, colour, religion, age, sex, marital status, family status, disability, pardoned conviction, or sexual orientation. In certain situations, these laws may apply to bullying.

What can you do if you think you are being bullied?

If you feel that you are being bullied, discriminated against, victimized or subjected to any form of harassment:

DO

  • FIRMLY tell the person that his or her behaviour is not acceptable and ask them to stop. You can ask a supervisor or union member to be with you when you approach the person.
  • KEEP a factual journal or diary of daily events. Record:
    • The date, time and what happened in as much detail as possible.
    • The names of witnesses.
    • The outcome of the event.

Remember, it is not just the character of the incidents, but the number, frequency, and especially the pattern that can reveal the bullying or harassment.

  • KEEP copies of any letters, memos, e-mails, faxes, etc., received from the person.
  • REPORT the harassment to the person identified in your workplace policy, your supervisor, or a delegated manager. If your concerns are minimized, proceed to the next level of management.

DO NOT

  • DO NOT RETALIATE. You may end up looking like the perpetrator and will most certainly cause confusion for those responsible for evaluating and responding to the situation.

(Adapted from: Violence in the Workplace Prevention Guide. CCOHS)

What can an employer do?

The most important component of any workplace prevention program is management commitment. Management commitment is best communicated in a written policy. Since bullying is a form of violence in the workplace, employers may wish to write a comprehensive policy that covers a range of incidents (from bullying and harassment to physical violence).

A workplace violence prevention program must:

  • Be developed by management and employee representatives.
  • Apply to management, employee’s, clients, independent contractors and anyone who has a relationship with your company.
  • Define what you mean by workplace bullying (or harassment or violence) in precise, concrete language.
  • Provide clear examples of unacceptable behaviour and working conditions.
  • State in clear terms your organization’s view toward workplace bullying and its commitment to the prevention of workplace bullying.
  • Precisely state the consequences of making threats or committing acts.
  • Outline the process by which preventive measures will be developed.
  • Encourage reporting of all incidents of bullying or other forms of workplace violence.
  • Outline the confidential process by which employees can report incidents and to whom.
  • Assure no reprisals will be made against reporting employees.
  • Outline the procedures for investigating and resolving complaints.
  • Describe how information about potential risks of bullying/violence will be communicated to employees.
  • Make a commitment to provide support services to victims.
  • Offer a confidential Employee Assistance Program (EAP) to allow employees with personal problems to seek help.
  • Make a commitment to fulfill the prevention training needs of different levels of personnel within the organization.
  • Make a commitment to monitor and regularly review the policy.
  • State applicable regulatory requirements, where possible.

(Adapted from: Violence in the Workplace Prevention Guide. CCOHS)

What are some general tips for the workplace?

DO

  • ENCOURAGE everyone at the workplace to act towards others in a respectful and professional manner.
  • HAVE a workplace policy in place that includes a reporting system.
  • EDUCATE everyone that bullying is a serious matter.
  • TRY TO WORK OUT solutions before the situation gets serious or “out of control”.
  • EDUCATE everyone about what is considered bullying, and whom they can go to for help.
  • TREAT all complaints seriously, and deal with complaints promptly and confidentially.
  • TRAIN supervisors and managers in how to deal with complaints and potential situations. Encourage them to address situations promptly whether or not a formal complaint has been filed.
  • HAVE an impartial third party help with the resolution, if necessary.

DO NOT

  • DO NOT IGNORE any potential problems.
  • DO NOT DELAY resolution. Act as soon as possible.

(Adapted from: Workplace Health and Wellness Guide. CCOHS)

Related Products and Services

You may also be interested in the following related products and services from CCOHS:

Courses

Publications

Posters

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What Are Some Examples of Adult Bullying?

  • Bullying in the Workplace

Bullying is often seen in workplace environments, where men and women are subjected to constant abuse by supervisors and other employees. Sometimes this abuse is designed to give the bully a leg up in the company, while other times it is simply another example of an individual trying to gain power on others. Whatever the cause, bullying in the workplace can lead to a great deal of stress and anxiety, and may lead to long term mental health consequences. If you are being bullied at work you can get more information about the ebook “What Every Target of Workplace Bullying Needs to Know” here.

  • Family Bullying

It’s also possible for bullying to occur inside of the family. Sometimes it is a single family member that bullies all other family members. Sometimes it is a spouse that acts as a bully during your personal life. There are even stories of children bullying their parents. Family bullying is just as harmful – possibly more so – than any other type of adult bullying. It doesn’t matter who is bullying you either. Family bullying is not something that should be tolerated.

  • Friend Bullying

Not everyone chooses friends that are a good influence on their lives. It’s possible that you depend on someone that treats you poorly, bullying you often and taking advantage of your friendship. If you have a friend that is consistently bossing you around and treating you without respect, they may also be a bully.

The Consequences of Adult Bullying

It’s possible to be bullied by any adult influence on your life, and that bullying can have many of the same effects as childhood bullying. While it is unlikely that you are going to develop behavioral disorders, start committing crimes, or allow that bullying to impact your development, there are still countless potential long term consequences to this type of treatment.

Bullying harms your self-confidence and provides you with stress both mentally and physically. That stress can develop into anxiety and depression. It can also cause you to start bullying those around you, as you take out the frustrations of your anxiety stress on others. It also makes it simply much, much harder to enjoy every aspect of your life, knowing that you are at risk for continued bullying. That alone is enough of a reason to find a way to reduce the bullying on your life, because as an adult your happiness is important.

Getting Help for Adult Bullying

For most adults, the most important treatment you can have for adult bullying is admitting there is a problem. As adults, you are often taught that you need to take the abuse and not confront the problem head on. Often people try their best to ignore the bullying and continue onward with their day, but ignoring that level of bullying is difficult, because the psychological damage is continually grating over time. It has to be a problem you confront head on.

First you will need to prevent the person from bullying you. As an adult, you have the option to make those powerful decisions in a way that children often can’t. Even if the bully is in your family, you need to make sure that you address the problem, and if possible report them to others that can take any necessary action.

Second, you will need to find ways to de-stress and relax so that the bullying doesn’t have any lasting effects. This can be relaxation exercises, herbal supplements, or some other method of reducing your overall tension and helping your mind and body learn to cope.

Finally, you need to be willing to seek help. Take advantage of any talk therapy/counseling, spend time with those you care about and surround yourself with people that are only positive influences on your life. Changes will need to be made, but once you’ve made those changes you’ll find yourself in a much better place.

Adult Bullying

Adult bullying is a serious problem, one that leads to anxiety, stress, and depression, even in adults. It’s easy to pass it off as just the stuff of youth, but there are many adult bullies, and if they are hurting your psychological health, you need to take action. Bullies are still bullies at any age, and you shouldn’t sacrifice your quality of life because they have to act out negatively towards you.


How can you defeat a narcissist and their enablers?

Xavier Ludwig “Laughing At Narcs”, I have a funny blog dedicated to dismantling narcissist.

Answered Tue

The worst thing you can do to a narcissist that will drive them insane is something very very simple. But it is something that many victims often times can never see.

Many of us cannot see the answer because we have been so hurt by what the narcissist did to us. The pain that we feel blinds us from the obvious solution.

And I say this not to take away from the pain we may have endured — because I too know how it feels to WANT to get revenge on the narcissist.

But we must always remember that old aphorism that says: “those who seek revenge better dig TWO GRAVES”.

And I ask you, is destroying our lives, this gift we have of experiencing only one time, really worth the revenge?

HOW TO GET REVENGE ON A NARCISSIST

Open your eyes and see the truth

The best way to get revenge on a narcissist is by…LIVING HAPPILY.

And I know right now for many who are angry. Who are bitter. Who are upset and spiteful about what the narc did to them — that this is the LAST thing they want to hear.

I can already hear some of you.

“Just MOVE ON?”

“Don’t punish them for what they did?”

“This anger I feel needs to be let out!”

And I know. Trust me. I know.

But…

Hear me out for a second as I will elucidate what that (living happily) does to the Narc.

Narcissist believes without a shadow of a doubt that by discarding us, giving us the silent treatment, destroying our reputation, and spreading lies about us that we will be hurt by it.

And for many people, they may be hurt. But that is EXACTLY what the narc wants.

THE NARCS LOVE DESTRUCTION

They love seeing the destruction

They LOVE the idea that they can hurt us.

Narcs LOVE the idea that they can destroy our image and life.

The Narc LOVES the idea that they can mold other peoples reality and perception of us.

So when they discard us or give us the Silent Treatment know that they are STILL thinking about us and that they are gleaming at the idea that we are hurt.

By MOVING ON and doing “us” and being successful; the moment they find out (and they will find out because they have Flying Monkeys who will keep tabs on our lives) that will DESTROY THEIR WORLD and THEIR EGO.

They will feel like, “after all the mess I did… they are still…HAPPY?”

Narcs get pleasure from causing harm to others — and when we can turn that frown upside down, that messes the narc up in more ways than one.

It shows to the narcissists that despite EVERYTHING (and listen to this)…EVERYTHING they have done, what they did, and what they will try to do — that, it doesn’t even phase us, because they are…SO UNIMPORTANT.

And when we can show a narc that they are NOTHING…that KILLS THEM INSIDE.

NARCS ARE ATTENTION WHORES AT THE HIGHEST CALIBER

Narcs thrive on attention. They NEED ATTENTION SO BADLY. When they have deemed our supply for their own purposes and we take ourselves from them…that is a MAJOR blow to them.

Narcs Are Like Parasites. They need others to feed on, otherwise, they will shrivel up like the vermin they are.

When you stop giving them attention that serves as a huge blow to them and they actually start to feel pain.

Emotional pain?

No.

They genuinely feel pain.

Check out this article on “HOW TO HURT A NARCISSIST AND GET AWAY WITH IT“.

LIVE OUR BEST LIFE

Living our best lives is the best revenge because it keeps us from sullying who we are. To seek revenge on the narc is to BE like the Narcissist.

And when we lose who we are — that is when the narc takes full control over who we are.

Understand the narc loves to control and manipulate. But more importantly, they love to destroy a person’s life and they love to destroy our character.

When we move on and just live happily that brings down the narcs illusion of superiority and reveals to them something they don’t want to see.

The truth.

And the truth being that they are NOTHING IMPORTANT.

Live your best life.


What happens when a narcissist can’t control you?

  1. Pleva

Updated Aug 28, 2018

The Narcissist will do one or many of the things below if your onto their bullshit and realize that they have no control over you:

START A SMEAR CAMPAIGN AGAINST YOU:

They will do everything in their power to put you down, demean you, destroy your reputation to other people. Especially the persons that you have in common with them. They will utilize any piece of private information that they have about you and twist the truth into something that will make you look as though your horrible. They are masters at masking the smear campaign and shit talking about you in ‘concern’ for you. They do this to feed on other people’s compassion, and that’s how they rope others into their psycho plans to try to destroy your reputation.

  1. COMPLETELY GHOST AND DISAPPEAR:

If they realize that you there is no way to control you to the point that they realize that they will gain nothing from being involved with you, they will completely disappear and move on to find a new source of narcissistic supply. In this case, you are definitely lucky. This is the most ideal situation when dealing with a Narcissist.

  1. VICTIMIZE THEMSELVES TO OTHER PEOPLE:

They will play the ‘poor me’ game. They will tell anyone and everyone they know who will listen how they have ‘been wronged’ by you. They will make fiction seem like reality to others, by turning their own self into someone that has been abused. Most of the time, they will mirror what they did to you, and act like it happened to them. Because they are well aware of the crap that they have put you through, they already have the necessary information to talk about how it ‘happened to them’.

  1. THEY WILL FORCE THEMSELVES INTO YOUR LIFE:

They will not take NO for an answer. They will try to do what they can to hold control over you, because they do not accept that you will not allow them to control you. Because they are diluted in the mind, they will stop at nothing to insert themselves where they don’t belong. Whether showing up at your job, trying to steal the person your dating, showing up at your home unannounced, sharing your personal and financial information with others, they will stop at nothing to be in your life no matter how much you have pushed them out and said NO to them.

————-Things you can do to stay in control of the situation————

  • DOCUMENT EVERYTHING- no matter how big or small keep track of them. the more you document their behavior and actions, the more you have to build a case against them and protect yourself.
  • GO ABSOLUTE NO CONTACT-even the smallest amount of attention? They will prey upon you with what you’ve given them.
  • CALL THE AUTHORITIES-Although it’s tough to try to get protection orders, etc. against the Narc, because they are masters at making sure they stay below the radar, the more that you have documented, the more you can bring to the authorities once they have screwed up in their attempts, so you will be able to nail them to the wall once they do.
  • STAY PRIVATE AS POSSIBLE- Be sure to stay very aware of who they are surrounded with. It could be a person that is not even that close to you or them, but remember that there are flying monkeys everywhere.

Exposing tenant bullies is not something I will stop doing, as it is too important!

How can you identify a narcissist?

Trel Stone, Writer and Researcher at Freelancers (2017-present)

Answered Tue

15 SIGNS OF A NARCISSISTIC Person

Here are 15 tell-tale signs of a narcissistic man (male).

  1. CRAVES ADMIRATION AND ACKNOWLEDGMENT

Narcissistic people are what I like to call LOSERS. Despite their “I’m so tough and I’m so great” FACADE these lesser people are incredibly insecure.

Because of their insecurity they need constant adoration and praise from people.

  1. NEEDS COMPLIMENTS TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF

Not too dissimilar to a child who wants his parent’s approval and compliments.

Narcissistic males NEED compliments all of the time. And these compliments don’t always need to be verbal.

Just catching someone’s eye is good enough for them. Hence the need to be loud in their car, wear flashy clothes and oh…have a nice side biscuit on their arm.

  1. IS ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK GOOD IN FRONT OF OTHERS

They HAVE to look good in front of others.

  1. HAS TO HAVE CONTROL

They need to feel in control. And they need to have control over everything in their little world because if they don’t then people will leave.

This is why they need to control the finances ( Financial Abuse is a thing that many females suffer under), relationships with other people, and the time you spend to yourself.

The moment people have a bit of independence is the moment when they will leave their narcissist. This is exactly why most lie, gaslight, project, blame shift and manipulate as much as they can.

Give them an inch and they will take a…LIGHTYEAR.

  1. IS IN COMPETITION WITH EVERYONE

“Everyone is against me.”

“Everyone is trying to outdo me.”

They believe that everyone that comes in their PERIPHERAL VISION is out to outshine them.

There really isn’t more to elaborate here.

  1. IS ALWAYS THE VICTIM

They will do us wrong and the moment we ask why they are mad, NOT EVEN DEFENDING YOURSELF, just simply asking why they are mad…is an attack against them.

It is everyone else who is the bad guy when all clear evidence points to them.

These type of guys (and people in general) are cowardice at the highest level.

  1. HE NEVER APOLOGIZES EVEN WHEN HE IS AT FAULT

“You made me do this.”

They will attack verbally or physically and after the attack say, “you made me do that.”

Their lack of emotional regulation is easily one of the primary reasons as to why these people are so irrational.

They never make mistakes in their minds so there is never a need to apologize.

  1. SHOWS NO EMPATHY FOR OTHERS

“Empathy! What’s that?”

Narcissist (male and female) are devoid of empathy. This is not something I am throwing out there.

Narcissists Lack Empathy, hence is the reason that they can treat people the way that they do. To them we aren’t individuals, we are just an extension of them; here to make their lives better.

  1. PUTS ON A GREAT EMOTIONAL SHOW WHEN NEED BE

Move over Oscar Winners. Because narcissists are the true actors of our generations.

They know how to play a scene and play on an audience. They feed on an audience. And the reason for this is because they are in every sense of the word, attention whores.

  1. BECOMES FULL OF RAGE WHEN SOMEONE CALLS HIM OUT ON ANYTHING

Because many of them lack emotional regulation they are easily led to jumping into a fit of rage.

If you are walking around on eggshell so not to set them off, this is a clear sign that they are a narcissist or someone with a mental disorder.

  1. CONSTANTLY SEARCHES FOR NEW SUPPLY

They will want you to have as little friends as possible, while they have as many.

The reason for this is because they want to be able to fall back on someone when they decide to discard you or PUNISH you with the silent treatment.

  1. MAKES WEAKENING YOU A GOAL

In one of my previous article, “Why The Narcissists Devalues Us“, I explained why narcs feel a need to devalue us. They do this because one it makes them feel like the accomplished something.

Success to narcissists is making other people in life fail.

It also makes us lose sight of our value. Once we lose sight of our worth we then take WHATEVER comes in our lives…because we can’t do any better.

Or at least this is what they want us to think.

  1. ENJOYS YOUR PAIN

Our pain to them is substances.

These people are like demonic energy vampires. Seeing people suffer is a turn-on for them.

If you catch your guy looking at some rough porn this is yet again another sign you are dealing with a narcissist.

  1. LOVES INSTANT GRATIFICATION

“I WANT IT….NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!”

Need I say more?

These people are insanely impatient.


Articles I found on Quora that spoke to me…. 

What happens if you expose a narcissist?

Stacey Rudin, survived a narcissistic smear campaign

Originally Answered: What happens when the narcissist is exposed?

A true narcissist will always end up exposing his true self.

He will make a mistake and find himself painted into a corner. No matter how you look at his actions, they are antisocial and grossly inappropriate. They are certainly in conflict with his “false mask” of kindness, caring, integrity and strength. His abuse and lies are on full display. There is really no defense available to him (other than the fact that he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and can’t help that). Let’s take the example of a hypothetical narcissist who displays every single one of the red flags of narcissism.

Red Flags of Narcissism > Ultimate Guide to Identifying and Diagnosing

Let’s say this hypothetical narcissist has severely, intentionally damaged someone in a completely undeniable way and she points out his deeply narcissistic traits. It’s in the best interest of both parties (and many third persons – thanks, narc) to discuss the matter and resolve the conflict, but the narcissist cannot do that. He cannot proceed like an emotionally healthy, mature human being. Instead, he will continue exhibiting NPD traits of cowardice and insecurity by ignoring, disappearing, and completely refusing all opportunities to engage. How scary is a phone conversation? Not very, but he won’t answer that call, even if it would assist people he is supposed to protect and “love.”

A narcissist is very quick to point out every fault in others. But he simply cannot step up, act like an adult and face criticism directed his way. That is why narcissists send in flying monkeys, hire lawyers, and call the cops while running away themselves and hiding like little babies from the insane dramas they create.

They do it all to themselves.


What happens when you argue with a narcissist?

Renee Battle, M.S. Mental Health Counseling, North Carolina Central University (2019)

While in an intense conversation or heated argument with a narcissist, you may find yourself getting more frustrated than usual and sometimes worked up to the point where you feel like you are going to explode. This is because an argument with a narcissist isn’t your typical argument. It is not a fair way to communicate, where both parties will get an equal opportunity to exchange information and to be heard. It is very one sided, and in most cases never reaches a state where resolution can take place. Here are 6 tactics they will more than likely use in an argument.

Blame Shift: Normally, there are two sides to every story. In all conflicts, both sides can take ownership for something. But narcissists will never acknowledge what they did wrong. Instead, they will use a tactic called blame shift to throw it back on you. So lets just say you are telling the narcissist that they hurt or offended you. There response will be something like, “I’m always the bad guy” or “You just don’t listen, I’ve already addressed that a million times,” “You caused it to happen,” “You cant move on from the past” even though the offense is a repeated offense, and happened as recently as last week. Narcissists refuse to see themselves as the problem, so they will blame you for the cause of their actions.

Projection: In this case, what ever they do to you. They will say that you actually do it to them. For example, If they are selfish, they will say that you are selfish. If they say that you aren’t supportive, it usually means that they aren’t supportive. Your initial thought is that they really view you this way. So you will work harder by providing a long list of examples to make them see otherwise. But in doing this, you are unaware that you just took the attention off of them and placed it on you. Which is a form of manipulation that they will use to avoid taking ownership and addressing their issues.

“Off Guard”: They will throw something out there that is completely off topic. This is the moment they will use as an opportunity to hit you below the belt. Or bring up your past or something you confided in them that may be a sensitive subject. When they use this tactic, it feels like a punch that came out of nowhere. Because you never expect this person to take it there. So once they have caught you off guard, you will find yourself chasing a new topic, which ultimately takes you further and further away from the original reason why you wanted to have a conversation in the first place. For example, they may say “that’s why your own best friend even thinks you’re crazy.” Significant others who are narcissists may say, “Go back to that man or woman you’re seeing behind my back.” Narcissist mothers may say, “You just want “Sandra” to be your mother” (In this case, “Sandra” is just a person who has always been genuinely nice to you). In your mind, you are thinking that there must be some logical reason for this person to throw this out there. But its not. This person is using another manipulation tactic to distract you so that you will spend another 15 minutes trying to defend a false accusation that they don’t even believe.

Gaslighting: is a tactic narcissists use to make you doubt your recollection or memory of a situation. If the narcissist can create confusion centering around what you believe to be true. He or she will have accomplished the goal of avoiding to address their behavior by causing you to appear like you don’t know what you are talking about.

Emotional Trap: This is when the narcissist uses your emotional state against you. You may have noticed the more emotionally worked up you get, the more calm they are. If they can get a snapshot of you getting out of character, while they are calm. They are able to prove that you are the unstable one. This is also how they convince their friends and family that you are crazy. Because they will only tell others how you responded and leave out the part that made you react in that way. If you haven’t noticed, your emotional response is what they have been trying to get out of you all along. Because once your emotions start to elevate, that’s when they shut down and are no longer interested in talking to you. Can we say mission accomplished?

Stone Walling: is when the narcissist refuses to communicate or express feelings. This can include the narcissist picking up their phone in the middle of you expressing yourself. Or walking out of the room without an explanation. Pretty much doing everything they can to refuse to discuss the issue at hand.

Have you ever heard of the saying “He who angers you controls you.” It’s true. And it is exactly how narcissists maintain their dominance in an argument. If you would like to see live examples and learn more about what it is like to argue with narcissists, you can watch my video on Youtube.


Spotting a Bully: Patterns of Behavior

When someone snaps at you or ignores you because they are under

Pressure or in a bad mood, that is not bullying. Bullying involves

persistent, abusive, and frightening behavior designed to make the

target feel upset, humiliated, and threatened. The following profile fits most bullies:

  • Blames others for errors.
  • Makes unreasonable demands
  • Criticizes the work ability of others in front of others
  • Inconsistent enforcement of arbitrary rules.
  • Threats of job loss, insults and put downs.
  • Downplays or denies accomplishments.
  • Social exclusion.
  • Yells and screams at target, often in front of others.
  • Takes credit for another person’s work.
  • Women are targets of men 69% of the time.
  • Women are targets of women eight to one times more often than men are. 

A Bully Often

  • Seeks to dominate and/or manipulate others.
  • Enjoys feeling powerful and in control (whether real or not).
  • Is both a poor winner (boastful and arrogant) and a poor loser.
  • Seems to derive satisfaction from other’s fears, discomfort or pain
  • Is good at hiding behaviors or doing them where those in authority can’t notice
  • Is excited by conflicts between others.
  • Blames others for his/her problems.
  • Displays uncontrolled anger (rage).
  • May have a history of discipline problems.
  • Displays a pattern of impulsive and aggressive behaviors.
  • Displays intolerance 
  • May use drugs, alcohol or be recovering from the consumption/withdrawal
  • Lacks empathy towards others

Bullying is Different from Harassment 

Harassment is one type of illegal discrimination and is defined as offensive and unwelcome conduct; serious enough to adversely affect the terms and conditions of a person’s employment, which occurs because of the person’s protected class, and can be imputed to the employer. Protected classes in employment are race/color, creed (religion), national origin, sex, marital status, disability, HIV/AIDS or Hepatitis C status, sexual orientation/gender identity, and honorably discharged veteran and military status. 

An example of harassment could be when an employee tells racist jokes and refers to a particular co-worker or group of co-workers by using racial slurs, and after a complaint, the employer does nothing to stop the behavior. Another example of harassment could be a male manager who makes unwelcome sexual suggestions to a female employee and touches her inappropriately. 

Bullying, on the other hand, is often directed at someone a bully feels threatened by. The target often doesn’t even realize when they are being bullied because the behavior is covert, through trivial criticisms and isolating actions that occur behind closed doors. While harassment is illegal; bullying in the workplace is not.

Someone Being Bullied Often

  • Withdraws socially; has few or no friends.
  • Feels isolated, alone and sad.
  • Feels picked on or persecuted.
  • Feels rejected and not liked.
  • Frequently complains of illness.
  • Doesn’t want to go to work or school
  • Displays mood swings and talks about hopelessness.
  • Talks about leaving; talks of suicide.
  • Threatens violence to self and others.
  • Changes in eating or sleeping patterns.
  • May takes, or attempt to take, “protection” to work or school
  • Displays “victim” body language—hangs head,

What Can A Person Do?

  • Leave your emotions at the door.
  • State your position respectfully, factually.
  • Do not take a bully’s behavior personally.
  • Try to clarify what the other is really saying by using mirroring.
  • Make no assumptions.
  • Ask questions and stay calm until you understand.
  • Build trust by agreeing with the other.
  • Alert the other to any problem you foresee.
  • Do your homework and be well prepared before you talk.
  • If the other has lost self control, politely excuse yourself to go to the bathroom so he/she can calm down.
  • Agree to do what the person is asking if not illegal or unethical.

What is a narcissist’s Achilles heel?

Stacey Rudin, survived a smear campaign

Answered Apr 3

Losing control. You can find this out for yourself the second you take control away from a narc. You will be astonished at the underhanded cruelty they will employ in attempt to get you back under control (or discredit you completely if control isn’t possible). 

If they can’t control you, they will usually try to control what others think of you. The narc’s extreme behavior at this stage usually reveals how disordered he really is – normal people would cringe to air their dirty laundry in public and feel very uncomfortable “taking down” a fellow human. Not the narc and his flying monkeys (the people he manipulates to maintain under his control and attack the victim).


This is an Achilles heel for a narc because, depending on the behavior of the victim and the integrity of others having knowledge of the situation, his mask will start to slip. It is very difficult for him to keep his story straight, and neutral parties will definitely notice that his approach to the situation with the victim is not normal. Therefore, losing control of the victim, followed by the inevitable smear campaign and gaslighting, creates a potential for the narc’s mask to come off and his carefully constructed world to come crashing down.


If you are a victim of a narc and trying to find his Achilles heel to “take him out,” please do not bother. Wish him well without involving yourself, and just live your beautiful life. If you go “no contact” and react to absolutely nothing, you create the greatest potential for him to self-destruct (he will look crazy for attacking you to almost anyone with a neutral view of the situation. Only his flying monkeys will go along with the bullying). The smear campaign is almost always the narcissist’s confession, and reasonable people will begin to see that.


Why do narcissists deny the past?

Angela Nelson

Answered May 22

Narcissists create their own reality based on what they feel. Feelings are facts. I know it sounds crazy, but they do not understand that facts matter. They do not understand that something that actually happened in the past can continue to matter. It’s done. It’s over. They can’t see it. They can’t touch it. It doesn’t exist. The past does not exist. Unless it serves their current motive, the past is irrelevant. It is whatever they want it to be.

Think about it… why do facts actually matter? They matter because other people were there and other people were and continue to be affected by what actually happened. If I call you a horrible name and I hurt you, you will continue to be affected by it in the future regardless of whether or not I completely forget about it. To me, the incident has vanished. To YOU, you are still hurt. If I’m a narcissist, that is not something that I can understand. You do not have feelings. You do not have your own memory. You do not have lingering affects of things that I actually did. If I decide that I never said some horrible thing to you, then that is now a fact. Your lingering issues are a nuisance. You will be seen as a petty, annoying, vindictive, difficult person if you cannot play along and adopt my new reality.

You do not matter. Your memory does not exist. Your feelings don’t matter. What is the point of determining the actual truth of what happened if the truth now makes the narcissist look bad?

Narcissists feel like life is a movie about them. The entire world is nothing but a giant stage on which this movie about them is set. You are a character in this movie about them. They write the story. If they want to scratch out a few lines from the past and re-write them, they feel like they should be able to. The world revolves around them and their story. You are supposed to read your lines. You are not supposed to have your own story. Especially if it conflicts with their story. The actual facts of what actually happened do not matter at all.


Can a narcissist be confronted?

Dave Murray, Mom is a covert malignant narcissist

Updated Fri

OF COURSE, ABSOLUTELY, actually ALL THE TIME really.

And a nice bonus/cool thing with narcissist is that there is never a bad moment to confront them. They are always ready to be confronted. (for real, not kidding).

They absolutely love confrontation, it gives them power, they will try to destroy your idea and attack you and it’s all pure fun (for them) , and it will give them and other excellent reason to blame you. All of this is SUPER FUN and pure joy for the narcissist. They are always on the ready for a good confrontation. You will make his/her day. And in there own fucked up way, they will be very grateful. (I know it doesn’t feel like it, but they absolutely are smiling inside and having fun)

It’s very much a nice gift to them. It’s like giving them their favorite Ice Cream.

They have been built for confrontations. They live for it, feed on it, could not live a life without it. Always on the look out, always ready.

Now…… let’s tweak your original question a little bit.

Modified original question: What I supposed you are really asking is something like:

Will they validate your confrontation?

Will they give you any admission or validation?

Or maybe even tell you they’ve made a mistake?

Lets be bold in here, maybe even tell you that you are right?

Of course, we won’t we stupid enough to hope for excuses, and even less useful explanations. (I’m dumb, but not to that dumb)

The answers to those tweaked questions that must reflect what you where really asking are the following.

NO………NO………..NO…….. aaannnndddd……. NO

A narcissist is like a pig, they LOVE mud…… and they will be happy if you throw mud at them, and they will throw mud back and have a blast.

Buuuuuuuuuttttt maybe STOP and think one seriously for one second and ask yourself: Do I really like mud that much? Hummmm………. ? Food for thoughts.

And if you do love mud, ask yourself why? Are you codependent and need enmeshment with an abuser to live? (Happened to me, could be your story too)

Does anyone in your family when you where young was treating you like the narcissist?

Are you repeating an childhood pattern?

Stop and think about all I have written because……………. well the REST OF YOU WHOLE LIFE HANG IN THE BALANCE.

GOOD LUCK…….. Love and Light. ♥♥♥


Long-term effects of bullying              

Dieter Wolke1 and Suzet Tanya Lereya2

Author information Article notes Copyright and License information Disclaimer

This article has been cited by other articles in PMC.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4552909/ 

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Abstract

Bullying is the systematic abuse of power and is defined as aggressive behaviour or intentional harm-doing by peers that is carried out repeatedly and involves an imbalance of power. Being bullied is still often wrongly considered as a ‘normal rite of passage’. This review considers the importance of bullying as a major risk factor for poor physical and mental health and reduced adaptation to adult roles including forming lasting relationships, integrating into work and being economically independent. Bullying by peers has been mostly ignored by health professionals but should be considered as a significant risk factor and safeguarding issue.

Keywords: Child Abuse, Psychology, School Health, General Pediatrics, Outcomes research

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Definition and epidemiology

Bullying is the systematic abuse of power and is defined as aggressive behaviour or intentional harm-doing by peers that is carried out repeatedly and involves an imbalance of power, either actual or perceived, between the victim and the bully.1 Bullying can take the form of direct bullying, which includes physical and verbal acts of aggression such as hitting, stealing or name calling, or indirect bullying, which is characterized by social exclusion (eg, you cannot play with us, you are not invited, etc) and rumour spreading.2–4 Children can be involved in bullying as victims and bullies, and also as bully/victims, a subgroup of victims who also display bullying behaviour.5 6 Recently there has been much interest in cyberbullying, which can be broadly defined as any bullying which is performed via electronic means, such as mobile phones or the internet. One in three children report having been bullied at some point in their lives, and 10–14% experience chronic bullying lasting for more than 6 months.7 8 Between 2% and 5% are bullies and a similar number are bully/victims in childhood/adolescence.9 Rates of cyberbullying are substantially lower at around 4.5% for victims and 2.8% for perpetrators (bullies and bully/victims), with up to 90% of the cyber-bullying victims also being traditionally (face to face) bullied.10 Being bullied by peers is the most frequent form of abuse encountered by children, much higher than abuse by parents or other adult perpetrators11 (box 1).

Box 1

Bullying screener

  1. Direct bullying refers to harming others by directly getting at them. It is done by one or a group of pupils repeatedly against some children at school. These children:
    • Are threatened or blackmailed or have their things stolen
    • Are insulted or get called nasty names
    • Have nasty tricks played on them/are subject to ridicule
    • Are hit, shoved around or beaten up
  2. Relational bullying refers to damage relationships between friends and destroy status in groups to hurt or upset someone. Over and over again some children at school:
    • Get deliberately left out of get-togethers, parties, trips or groups
    • Have others ignore them, not wanting to be their friend anymore, or not wanting them around in their group
    • Have nasty lies, rumours or stories told about them
  3. Cyberbullying is when someone tries to upset and harm a person using electronic means (eg, mobile phones, text messages, instant messaging, blogs, websites (eg, Facebook, YouTube) or emails)
    • Have their private email, instant mail or text messages forwarded to someone else or have them posted where others can see them
    • Have rumours spread about them online
    • Get threatening or aggressive emails, instant messages or text messages
    • Have embarrassing pictures posted online without their permission

(Answered for A, B, and C separately on this 4-point scale)

  1. How often have these things happened to you in the last 6 months?
    • Never
    • Not much (1–3 times)
    • Quite a lot (more than 4 times)
    • A lot (at least once a week)
  2. How often have you done these things to others in the last 6 months?
    • Never
    • Not much (1–3 times)
    • Quite a lot (more than 4 times)
    • A lot (at least once a week)

Victims: Happened to them: quite a lot/a lot; did to others: never/not much

Bully/victims: Happened to them: quite a lot/a lot; did to others: quite a lot/a lot

Bullies: Happened to them: never/not much; did to others: quite a lot/a lot

Adapted from refs 3 8 12 13

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Bullying is not conduct disorder

Bullying is found in all societies, including modern hunter-gatherer societies and ancient civilisations. It is considered an evolutionary adaptation, the purpose of which is to gain high status and dominance,14 get access to resources, secure survival, reduce stress and allow for more mating opportunities.15 Bullies are often bi-strategic, employing both bullying and also acts of aggressive ‘prosocial’ behaviour to enhance their own position by acting in public and making the recipient dependent as they cannot reciprocate.16Thus, pure bullies (but not bully/victims or victims) have been found to be strong, highly popular and to have good social and emotional understanding.17 Hence, bullies most likely do not have a conduct disorder. Moreover, unlike conduct disorder, bullies are found in all socioeconomic18 and ethnic groups.12In contrast, victims have been described as withdrawn, unassertive, easily emotionally upset, and as having poor emotional or social understanding,17 19 while bully/victims tend to be aggressive, easily angered, low on popularity, frequently bullied by their siblings20 and come from families with lower socioeconomic status (SES),18 similar to children with conduct disorder.

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How bullies operate

Bullying occurs in settings where individuals do not have a say concerning the group they want to be in. This is the situation for children in school classrooms or at home with siblings, and has been compared to being ‘caged’ with others. In an effort to establish a social network or hierarchy, bullies will try to exert their power with all children. Those who have an emotional reaction (eg, cry, run away, are upset) and have nobody or few to stand up for them, are the repeated targets of bullies. Bullies may get others to join in (laugh, tease, hit, spread rumours) as bystanders or even as henchmen (bully/victims). It has been shown that conditions that foster higher density and greater hierarchies in classrooms (inegalitarian conditions),21at home22 or even in nations,23 increase bullying24 and the stability of bullying victimisation over time.25

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Adverse consequences of being bullied

Until fairly recently, most studies on the effects of bullying were cross-sectional or just included brief follow-up periods, making it impossible to identify whether bullying is the cause or consequence of health problems. Thus, this review focuses mostly on prospective studies that were able to control for pre-existing health conditions, family situation and other exposures to violence (eg, family violence) in investigating the effects of being involved in bullying on subsequent health, self-harm and suicide, schooling, employment and social relationships.

Childhood to adulthood (18–50 years)

Children who were victims of bullying have been consistently found to be at higher risk for internalising problems, in particular diagnoses of anxiety disorder55 and depression9 in young adulthood and middle adulthood (18–50 years of age) (table 2).56 Furthermore, victims were at increased risk for displaying psychotic experiences at age 188 and having suicidal ideation, attempts and completed suicides.56 Victims were also reported to have poor general health,65 including more bodily pain, headaches and slower recovery from illnesses.57 Moreover, victimised children were found to have lower educational qualifications, be worse at financial management57 and to earn less than their peers even at age 50.56 69Victims were also reported to have more trouble making or keeping friends and to be less likely to live with a partner and have social support. No association between substance use, anti-social behaviour and victimisation was found. The studies that distinguished between victims and bully/victims showed that usually bully/victims had a slightly higher risk for anxiety, depression, psychotic experiences, suicide attempts and poor general health than pure victims.9 They also had even lower educational qualifications and trouble keeping a job and honouring financial obligations.57 65 In contrast to pure victims, bully/victims were at increased risk for displaying anti-social behaviour and were more likely to become a young parent.62 70 71 Again, we know less about pure bullies, but where studied, they were not found to be at increased risk for any mental or general health problems. Indeed, they were healthier than their peers, emotionally and physically.9 57 However, pure bullies may be more deviant and more likely to be less educated and to be unemployed.65 They have also been reported to be more likely to display anti-social behaviour, and be charged with serious crime, burglary or illegal drug use.58 59 66 However, many of these effects on delinquency may disappear when other adverse family circumstances are controlled for.57

Table 2

Consequences of involvement in bullying behaviour in childhood/adolescence on outcomes in young adulthood and adulthood (18–50 years)

FindingsExample References
CategoriesVictimsBulliesBully/victims
Health and mental health
 Anti-social personality disorderNo significant relationship was found between victimisation and anti-social behaviour.Being a bully increased the risk of violent, property and traffic offences, delinquency, aggressiveness, impulsivity, psychopathy, contact with police or courts and serious criminal charges in young adulthood.Frequent bully/victim status predicted anti-social personality disorder. Bully/victims also had higher rates of serious criminal charges and broke into homes, businesses and property in young adulthood.9 57–61
 AnxietyVictimised adolescents (especially pure victims) displayed a higher prevalence of agoraphobia, generalised anxiety and panic disorder in young adulthood.No significant relationship was found between being a pure bully and anxiety problems.Bully/victims displayed higher levels of panic disorder and agoraphobia (females only) in young adulthood. Frequent bully/victim status predicted anxiety disorder.55 56 5962
 Depression and internalising problemsAll types of frequent victimisation increased the risk of depression and internalising problems. Experiencing more types of victimisation was related to higher risk for depression. On the other hand, Copeland and colleagues did not find a significant association between pure victim status and depression.No significant association between pure bully status and depression was found.Bully/victims were at increased risk of young adult depression.9 55 56 5963
 InflammationBeing a pure victim in childhood/adolescence predicted higher levels of C-reactive protein (CRP).Being a pure bully in childhood/adolescence predicted lower levels of CRP.The CRP level of bully/victims did not differ from that of those uninvolved in bullying.64
 Psychotic experiencesPure victims had a higher prevalence of psychotic experiences at age 18 years.No significant association was found between pure bully status and psychotic experiences.Bully/victims were at increased risk for psychotic experiences at age 18 years.8
 Somatic problemsThose who were victimised were more likely to have bodily pain and headache. Frequent victimisation in childhood was associated with poor general health at ages 23 and 50. Moreover, pure victims reported slow recovery from illness in young adulthood.No significant association was found between health and pure bully status.Bully/victims were more likely to have poor general health and bodily pain and develop serious illness in young adulthood. They also reported poorer health status and slow recovery from illness.56 57 65
 Substance useNo significant relationship was found between victimisation and drug use, but being frequently victimised predicted daily heavy smoking.Bullies were more likely to use illicit drugs and tobacco and to get drunk.Bully/victim status did not significantly predict substance use but bully/victims were more likely to use tobacco.57 59 6566
 Suicidality/self-harmResults were mixed regarding suicidality and victimisation status. Some showed that all types of frequent victimisation increased the risk of suicidal ideation and attempts. Experiencing many types of victimisation was related to a higher risk for suicidality. However, others only found an association between suicidality and frequent victimisation among girls.No significant association was found between being a bully and future suicidality.Male bully/victims were at increased risk for suicidality in young adulthood.9 56 67 68
Wealth
 Academic achievementGenerally, victims had lower educational qualifications and earnings into adulthood.Bullies were more likely to have lower educational qualifications.Bully/victims were more likely to have a lower education.56 65 69
 EmploymentSome found no significant association between occupation status and victimisation, whereas others showed that frequent victimisation was associated with poor financial management and trouble with keeping a stable job, being unemployed and earning less than peers.Bullies were more likely to have trouble keeping a job and honouring financial obligations. They were more likely to be unemployed.Bully/victims had trouble with keeping a job and honouring financial obligations.56 57
Social relationships
 Peer relationshipsFrequently victimised children had trouble making or keeping friends and were less likely to meet up with friends at age 50.Pure bullies had trouble making or keeping friends.Bully/victims were at increased risk for not having a best friend and had trouble with making or keeping friends.56 57
 PartnershipBeing a victim of bullying in childhood was not associated with becoming a young parent. Frequent victimisation increased the risk of living without a spouse or partner and receiving less social support at age 50.When bully/victims were separated from bullies, pure bully status did not have a significant association with becoming a young father (under the age of 22). However, pure bullies were more likely to become young mothers (under the age of 20). No significant association between bully status and cohabitation status was found.Being a bully/victim in childhood increased the likelihood of becoming a young parent. No significant association between bully/victim and cohabitation status was found.65 70 7

 

The carefully controlled prospective studies reviewed here provide a converging picture of the long-term effects of being bullied in childhood. First, the effects of being bullied extend beyond the consequences of other childhood adversity and adult abuse.9 In fact, when compared to the experience of having been placed into care in childhood, the effects of frequent bullying were as detrimental 40 years later56! Second, there is a dose–effect relationship between being victimised by peers and outcomes in adolescence and adulthood. Those who were bullied more frequently,56 more severely (ie, directly and indirectly)31 or more chronically (ie, over a longer period of time8) have worse outcomes. Third, even those who stopped being bullied during school age showed some lingering effects on their health, self-worth and quality of life years later compared to those never bullied72 but significantly less than those who remained victims for years (chronic victims). Fourth, where victims and bully/victims have been considered separately, bully/victims seem to show the poorest outcomes concerning mental health, economic adaptation, social relationships and early parenthood.8 9 62 70 Lastly, studies that distinguished between bullies and bully/victims found few adverse effects of being a pure bully on adult outcomes. This is consistent with a view that bullies are highly sophisticated social manipulators who are callous and show little empathy.73

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Processes

There are a variety of potential routes by which being victimised may affect later life outcomes. Being bullied may alter physiological responses to stress,74 interact with a genetic vulnerability such as variation in the serotonin transporter (5-HTT) gene,75 or affect telomere length (ageing) or the epigenome.76 Altered HPA-axis activity and altered cortisol responses may increase the risk for developing mental health problems77 and also increase susceptibility to illness by interfering with immune responses.78 In contrast, bullying may also differentially affect normal chronic inflammation and associated health problems that can persist into adulthood.64 Chronically raised C-reactive protein (CRP) levels, a marker of low-grade systemic inflammation in the body, increase the risk of cardiovascular diseases, metabolic disorders and mental health problems such as depression.79 Blood tests revealed that CRP levels in the blood of bullied children increased with the number of times they were bullied. Additional blood tests carried out on the children after they had reached 19 and 21 years of age revealed that those who were bullied as children had CRP levels more than twice as high as bullies, while bullies had CRP levels lower than those who were neither bullies nor victims (figure 2). Thus, bullying others appears to have a protective effect consistent with studies showing lower inflammation for individuals with higher socioeconomic status80 and studies with non-human primates showing health benefits for those higher in the social hierarchy.81 The clear implication of these findings is that both ends of the continuum of social status in peer relationships are important for inflammation levels and health status.

Figure 2

Adjusted mean young adult C-reactive protein (CRP) levels (mg/L) based on childhood/adolescent bullying status. These values are adjusted for baseline CRP levels as well as other CRP-related covariates. All analyses used robust SEs to account for repeated observations (reproduced from Copeland et al64).

Furthermore, experiences of threat by peers may alter cognitive responses to threatening situations.82 Both altered stress responses and altered social cognition (eg, being hypervigilant to hostile cues38) and neurocircuitry83 related to bullying exposure may affect social relationships with parents, friends and co-workers. Finally, victimisation, in particular of bully/victims, affects schooling and has been found to be associated with school absenteeism. In the UK alone, over 16 000 young people aged 11–15 are estimated to be absent from state school with bullying as the main reason, and 78 000 are absent where bullying is one of the reasons given for absence.84 The risk of failure to complete high school or college in chronic victims or bully/victims increases the risk of poorer income and job performance.57

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Summary and implications

Childhood bullying has serious effects on health, resulting in substantial costs for individuals, their families and society at large. In the USA, it has been estimated that preventing high school bullying results in lifetime cost benefits of over $1.4 million per individual.85 In the UK alone, over 16 000 young people aged 11–15 are estimated to be absent from state school with bullying as the main reason, and 78 000 are absent where bullying is one of the reasons given for absence.86 Many bullied children suffer in silence, and are reluctant to tell their parents or teachers about their experiences, for fear of reprisals or because of shame.87 Up to 50% of children say they would rarely, or never, tell their parents, while between 35% and 60% would not tell their teacher.11

Considering this evidence of the ill effects of being bullied and the fact that children will have spent much more time with their peers than their parents by the time they reach 18 years of age, it is more than surprising that childhood bullying is not at the forefront as a major public health concern.88 Children are hardly ever asked about their peer relationships by health professionals. This may be because health professionals are poorly educated about bullying and find it difficult to raise the subject or deal with it.89However, it is important considering that many children abstain from school due to bullying and related health problems and being bullied throws a long shadow over their lives. To prevent violence against the self (eg, self-harm) and reduce mental and somatic health problems, it is imperative for health practitioners to address bullying.


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The narcissist knows when someone is done for good and when they finally see him for who he is.

I know he is a wounded person, but as an adult you need to help yourself. Just because you were abused as a child does not mean you have to continue with the cycle of abuse. Nobody deserves to bear the brunt of the emotional trauma unless it was you who caused it.

The parents mess up the child and then the child’s wife has to pay for the broken dishes.

If we sense there is something wrong, we need to address our issues and get help. The problem with narcissists is that they have lost their conscience; the moral alarm in your head that tells you what is right from what is wrong, no longer exists or is permanently shut off. Perhaps the worst issue is their callousness. They are insensitive and they have a cruel disregard for others’ rights. They might even be aware they are messed up or damaged, but they don’t even care, which makes it worse.

Going back to your question: they will go back only if they sense you have not detected who they really are with their mask off. They study your weaknesses and vulnerability. I don’t know why I see a fine line between narcissism and sociopathy.

What makes narcissism and sociopathy seem interconnected is their apathy or profound lack of interest in their spouse’s (or children’s) life, vocation, interests, hobbies, and whereabouts; they withdraw from you (and then attack if a demand is made); they are vindictive to the max, and they are indifferent to emotional outcomes.

In the end no one is to blame. We can’t spend our lives blaming our parents. They, in return, were raised that way and they raised their children the only way they knew. Once we realize and become aware of this, we stop blaming, criticizing, and finding the guilt in others, and we finally emerge; a whole new realm of possibilities opens up. We gain a different perspective of how to live and we give priority to things that matter. We learn to forgive, not because that horrible person deserves it, but because it is beneficial to our wholesomeness and wellbeing. We also get out of the vicious circle.

Yes, narcissists are wounded, but that is not an excuse; 80–90% of the world is wounded. After you are a full grown adult, you need to be in charge and get the help you need. Your duty is to stop the vicious cycle and leave this world a better place when you die.

 

 

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