It isn’t easy dealing with Shame, especially when it isn’t yours to feel. It was projected onto me by my Bullies.
Basically, they say, “It’s not me, it’s you!” When they project, they are defending themselves against unconscious impulses or traits that they have denied in themselves. Instead, they attribute them to others. Their thoughts or feelings about someone, or something, are too uncomfortable to acknowledge, such as causing their own eviction with their adamanent statements of no entry. These Tenant Bullies felt I had an issue with them, when in reality it was them projecting their issues with me, onto me.
In their mind, they believe that the thought or emotion originates from me instead, such as “I have to say that from the moment I met you, I had the strange feeling that you had some kind of issue with me.” as written in their very first letter to me and the owners. They felt insecure and embarrassed at getting a Form N5 and went extreme over it. I saw it all the time, but not to this extent, from other tenants.
We might think someone else is angry or judgmental, yet are unaware that we are. We might imagine “She hates me,” when we actually hate her. Similar to projection is externalization, when we blame others for our problems rather than taking responsibility for our part in causing them. It makes us feel like a victim. These Tenant refuse to accept responsibility that it was their own refusals of entry that got them evicted, not anything anyone else did, as they felt too ashamed over it and wanted to blame someone else instead. It’s a classic reaction from Bullies, when you look at it.
My Bullies showed towards the end of their tenancy just what type of people they were. The actions shown in this video, show this person’s true nature, that of a Bully and of a woman no less! This video is protected but let me know if you want to see it. https://youtu.be/q3n5Z-Eg-f8
Our coping strategies reflect our emotional maturity. Projection is considered a primitive defense because it distorts or ignores reality in order for us to function and preserve our ego. It’s reactive, without forethought, and is defense children use. When used by adults, it reveals less emotional maturity and indicates impaired emotional development. Projection and externalization is used throughout all the contents in these domains they own.
My Bullies made so many accusations against me throughout this process is was hard to keep track of them all. Some of them are so outlandish, it is obvious it isn’t possible for me to have done. How could I get a Canada Postal key, when it is all geared to them? How could I get access to their domains, when it is the same? How could my Tenant Bullies access someone else’s twitter account to get the meme he shares? Others is gaslighting, trying change the narratives, like the entry panel and “basically” bumping into me. So many traits on display, and I totally missed them, as I hadn’t learned about them yet.
I know what all this is about and why, its convincing my brain of it all, that takes time.
It takes time to change your thinking from “it’s all my fault, because they say it is” to ” I know I did nothing they claim” after being bombarded so long with it.
It feels like mind control and extreme torture, o be honest. My thoughts and feelings were highjacked, made to feel wrong and not important by persistent attacks.
It was these false allegations, and their implied actions, which caused me to feel shame, for things I did not do. I came to see it was all projection, right from the beginning with that letter. That is where it all started and no one noticed because it is hard to wrap your head around such behaviour.
These Tenant Bullies didn’t know what I was thinking, nor did she know what I was feeling, especially to say with such confidence that she had a strange feeling I had some kind of issue with her. How can you quantify that? You can’t.
I do have some shame for the angry sites I did in the past but I acknowledge that was done out of all my anger and I learned it is Reactive Abuse. When someone is Bullied so severely, after time you will get a reaction as a person can handle only so much before they snap. That was me. I was attacked on a daily basis and I snapped one day and made a angry free site, nytruthoftenantbullies.com.
I don’t feel shame anymore for my intense feelings caused by these actions and words against me, as I now know and understand it was all DONE to me, not CAUSED by me. I have a right to my anger and I had a right to react to it. I had total strangers proceed to act like they knew me, gaslighting my motives and actions, knowing full well it was all a lie. They continually attack me on 6 domains contents and in documents and emails to HRTO, so yes, I will react at some point. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t after putting up with it for so long!
- I felt ashamed that someone could take such personal information about me and my family they were given in a legal proceeding and share it online for anyone to gawk at. Why should I feel shame over something that was DONE to me? Sure I gave them the info, but what they did with that info is all on them.
- I felt ashamed that so many people, from family, other tenants, and employers, were more concerned over their own reputations, than they were about my mental health and what these actions by these tenants were doing to it. No one cared I was getting upset, that I was getting overwhelmed and not able to function properly.
- I felt ashamed every time someone told me to “stay quiet” “give it time” “let it go” “don’t let them get to you”. All the lame platitudes I was given, caused me to feel shame for causing such disruption to their lives. Again, I was taking on shame I shouldn’t feel, as I didn’t cause all this to be done by these Bullies to other people.
- I felt ashamed that I brought all this nastiness to other people, though I now know I didn’t do this to myself nor anyone. Kory Read’s words in the HRTO applications on my husband that everyone wanted me dead, so they can get away from all this mess, played on my psyche really badly, as they wanted it too. These Bullies tried to make me feel responsible for what these sites and their actions were doing to others too. They even tried to get me to accept responsibility for all the racism in NL! If the lawyer lost a client, they imply it would be my fault. If the property lost tenants, it is implied it would be my fault for making these Bullies post domains online.
- I ended up taking on shame for being the target of such an onslaught and bringing so much disruption to other people’s lives, including my own. I was made to feel it was all my fault, as I filed with the LTB and got them evicted. No one seems to care that it was their actions that started it, not my own.
These Bullies made living in this property untenable, not just for me but also for others. Their loud mouths running off when anyone dared to contradict what they were saying, and their personal attacks over professional business, made other people afraid of being turned on themselves. Which is why I was told to “stay quiet” and not give them more fuel to use. Every time anyone spoke out against them, they came at you even more. You can see this trait in the emails I got. I had tenants crying in the office as they felt pressured to join their Tenants Association by these people. ALL of Kory Read’s Emails Received That Caused Mental Health Issues
I took on everyone else’s shame, and all the blame, and it wasn’t my responsibility to do that. The only thing I was responsible for, was filing with the LTB for their eviction, based on their own actions and emails given showing they broke the rules and I have no shame over that. It was my job. I was responsible for some of my reactions to their lies, but I have accepted that was a result of emotional dysregulations caused by the severe bullying I endured. Being Bullied in such a manner caused serious issues within me and I am no longer ashamed of that. I was a target.
I was sick of all the refusals of entry, and all the name-calling and false accusations of racism, and wanted the LTB to remind them of the rules, as they were not believing me, that was why I filed against them. It was only because of the adamanent statements of these tenants that they were evicted. They did it to themselves with their own words. I didn’t make the decision to evict them, it came from the LTB, which is why he attacked the adjudicator there so badly too. Why should I be to blame for that?
I am usually a strong person, my past adventures have helped make me so, but I was still a soft heart and I took things to heart more than I should have. I just can’t understand how people can be so mean. It wasn’t just my Tenant Bullies who got to me. It’s a whole complex of things that got me where I was, my past included. I need to stomp all that out of myself and I am working on it.
I already had PTSD, which is a illness I will never totally get rid of. I did manage it, for a long time, as I learned tricks that help me with stress, anxiety, and social interactions. I had extensive therapy for 5 years after the fire to get me to that point. I was managing…It is all I could do.
This made me predisposed to experiencing more trauma, I have learned. My doctor told me my PTSD symptoms came back and it was affecting my emotional regulations and he added the C to the PTSD, as Complex shows it was over time, not just one event like the fire. I was so fearful, of everyone and everything. I was criticized so badly, just for even breathing, I couldn’t take anymore.
I had to do some serious soul-searching, to see what I truly feel about myself, especially my weaknesses. I found I had a few that I worked on! I had a habit of making other people’s happiness above my own. I apologized for things I have no control over and I apologized for not being able to do something too, even when it is physically impossible. I gave in to pressure from employers to take on more work and responsibility, because I ended up feeling responsible to ensure the property was following all the rules of various agencies. I went above and beyond my job duties, all the time, as I felt it was expected of me and I knew how to do it.
I learned that just because you can do something, don’t mean that you should do it. I overwhelmed myself with work there and I own that. I did more than I was physically and mentally capable of.
I also found a lot of strengths and being able to self-reflect is an important one. I try to be honest, even when I do something, as I know how important honesty is too your emotional regulations. Being honest with yourself is so important to mental health recovery. I have learned to stop apologizing for things I have no control over. It isn’t my fault if someone don’t like a movie I choose to watch, nor a poster I share, but at one point I did! When you are terrorized over every little thing, you become afraid to move for fear of more terror.
I was very naive, as I was never the subject of such hate before and didn’t know what to do with it and how to deal. It took time for me to see that no matter how often I defended myself, they were intent on misunderstanding me. They didn’t care about my expressions of pain from their allegations, nor about my truth, they did what they wanted anyway.
They totally invalidated me and my very existence and it is hard to get past all that, as over a long time of listening and reading all this stuff, you become gaslighted and don’t know anymore what to believe.
I am coming to terms with what I said and did that causes cognitive dissonance within me, even this website. There are times I said and did things that were completely out of character for me and I acknowledge that. I know, with what I have learned since, I won’t do it again. Once you gain knowledge of something, you can’t undo it and it guides you afterwards.
I need to get to the point where nothing anyone else ever says, or does, affects my emotions, ever again.
It takes time and I have all the time in the world. I accept it is a lifelong process. We are always learning, every day there is something new we read or even learn about ourselves. There are way more resources available to me now then there was in 1993 when I did this before!
Recovery is rarely achieved in the absence of hope. Its power cannot be overestimated. You must always try to maintain hope despite the challenges (including loss, stigma, discrimination) you face. Hope doesn’t have to come solely from internal strength; it can come from caregivers, friends, peers, people outside of a mental health context, and even animals or faith. Feeling supported, accepted and loved as a person of value and worth can foster and nurture hope.
It is a never-ending journey and I am ready, willing, and able. I have opened my mind and no longer afraid. I always had Hope that this would end, at some point, and this Hope has held me together. Hope is what keeps me going… Hope for recovery, for losing fear, for managing my mental health hope for letting all this go into the past and stay there. And, the thought was always there that I managed to recover before, I can do it again.
I want to be so confident in myself and my decisions, that no one will ever manage to shame me ever again, for just being ME!
I have let go of the shame that isn’t mine to feel. I was not responsible for anyone being smeared, that was a choice these Tenant Bullies made. I wasn’t even responsible for my own smearing! All that is placed on the choices made by others, I didn’t make them do it.
projection is used as a defense mechanism, and defense mechanisms are used to cope with feelings and emotions that we have trouble expressing or coming to terms with.
Projection as a Tool for the Bully. Remember the general idea of projection – it’s when they accuse you of something that they are in fact doing. So perhaps they accuse you of lying or being manipulative when they are the one lying. These Tenant Bullies lied about accusations of racism and discrimination, to try and cover up their own actions of denying access.
The narcissist is giving you a window into their soul, in a sense. You get a glimpse at their true self underneath. Since the narcissist’s life is often built around lies and falsehoods, this can be a useful insight into what’s truly going on between their ears. My Bullies speaks of me being jealous of them, when in fact it is they whom is jealous, not just of me but others. My Bullies speaks of me stalking them, when in fact I am stalking my own name that they took and use against me online. I don’t see their names in the content, not even the title of the domains, do you?
Just knowing this can really take the sting out of projection. You know it is not really about you. They are not really accusing you of whatever it is they’re projecting. They’re accusing themselves. It’s their own internal war playing out – unfortunately, with you caught in the crossfire. I now accept this wasn’t about me but about them hiding what they did that caused their own issues. They were ashamed and embarrassed over being held account for breaking the rules of entry and couldn’t handle it so made up this elaborate story to blame me instead.
I have learned since, that if the focus is on me, with them directing where to look with their word salad filled with accusations, they felt they could have me blamed instead for filing with the Landlord and Tenant Board, apparently for no reason other than her feeling that I had a problem with her, that they later turned into racism and discrimination.
Instead of this situation being about the reason they were brought before the LTB, it became about them being brought to the LTB. They gaslight you into thinking I was out to get them evicted and that I used illegal and altered documents to do it with, not that they did anything wrong.
- Self-shaming behavior can develop from external messages given in childhood by family, peers, or society.
- Tactics to reduce self-shame include journaling your feelings, sharing with a therapist, and talking back to your critical inner voice.
- Breaking free of self-shame takes time and practice but ultimately liberates us as well as others.
“Living with self-shame is like having a 24-hour critical inside your head, constantly judging, labeling, and humiliating you.”
That toxic self-shaming voice seeks to limit you, hold you back, and defer growth. Left unchecked, it eats away at your self-worth, undermines your confidence, and can morph into crippling anxiety that destroys any chance of lasting happiness.
Where does self-shaming come from? How did it gain so much power over you?
The Roots of Self-Shame
Self-shaming is a learned behavior that originates from three possible sources:
Parents or siblings that engage in “teasing” leave emotional scars. Over-critical, punishing, abusive parents or siblings are perhaps the most common triggers of self-shaming behaviors
Children and teenagers can be particularly vicious in scapegoating the vulnerable by mocking and humiliating anyone they perceive as different or threatening.
Every culture perpetuates its prejudices and targets people who appear “different” from the dominant culture. External qualities such as skin color, weight, ethnicity, and sexual orientation are among the most targeted populations. Sadly, oppressed people too frequently internalize the oppressor.
Evicting the Self-Shaming Voice
Once you identify the roots of your self-shaming voice, you’ll need a plan to evict it. It will be a mighty battle, but the rewards of eliminating your self-shaming voice will dramatically improve every aspect of your life.
1. Capture Painful Memories in a Journal
Childhood memories content vital information about the roots of your self-shame. Categorize the times you were shamed by others and make a note of the particular words they used. Write those negative words and phrases down and see how they resonate with your self-shaming voice.
2. Break the Silence
Silence breeds shame. It’s crucial that you find a friend, a therapist, a support group — anyone you can talk to about the role shame plays in your life. Gathering such supportive people around you is essential to winning this battle
3. Increase Self-Care
Exercise, creative outlets, meditation, daily walks; such activities bring fresh energy into your day. If you have trouble motivating yourself, enlist the help of a friend. Think of this battle as an emotional marathon; you’ll need to raise the bar on your self-care to win.
4. Set Positive Affirmations
Make a list of your positive qualities. What makes you unique? What talents do you have? What are you grateful for? One patient that I work with found that covering her apartment with Post-it notes with inspirational quotes and positive self-affirmations was an excellent way to keep her focused.
5. Talk Back to Your Self-Shaming Voice
Start to talk back to your shaming voice, expose it for the fraud it is. Some people find it helpful to give the voice a name to separate from it. Remember, your self-shaming voice is not your authentic voice. It is not a part of your core identity. The weaker your self-shaming voice becomes, the stronger your true voice will grow. If your friends are critical and weigh you down, it’s time to confront them or reconsider the value of those friendships.
Launch Your Battle to Break Free of Self-Shame
Breaking free of self-shame takes time and practice. There will be days when you feel liberated and days when you feel trapped. Keep applying the five steps, keep pressing forward, and focus on replacing self-shame with self-praise and compassion.
As Nelson Mandela wrote: ” … playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking … As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”