This is time now to show my education I have been given this past year.
The main thing I have learned the past year is Never try to defend yourself to Adult Tenant Bullies who are Toxic Narcissist! It is a never-ending cycle! It will drive you absolutely crazy!
These Bullies know I am right but wanted me to go crazy trying to prove it. I got stuck in this cycle during HRTO, responding to every email filled with more accusations they can’t prove. They harped at me over their fictitious claims, even admit they have no evidence it even occurred, wanting me to get defensive and concentrate on their false allegations, so the focus wouldn’t be on them and their actions.
Everything, from the fake prior meeting, to accusing me of making fake emails, to trying to gain a key to their Canada Post office box, were all ways for them to get me defensive and react in defense. It was a tactic used to drive me nuts. Before I could answer to one accusation, I was hit with another! All in attempts to confuse me and keep me down and helpless. I see it all now so clearly!
I have many emails back and forth showing how desperate I was for them to HEAR me. In the end, I had to let all that go and stop for my own sanity. I came to realize the truth, they were determined to misunderstand everything about me, no matter what I said nor the proof I had discounting their lies. Some of my earlier posts show this trait I had then of reacting! None of it mattered, they were going to say & write whatever they wanted and to hell with the damage to my psyche. I had to learn to step back and try to start seeing this situation more clearly, without my emotions clogging it all up!
I have come to see my intense anger was a cover for my fear, as once the fear started going away, so did the anger. I was angry that they were still going with their lies, even after all this time. I came to realize I was terrified that, still, someone would see these sites and get a bad perception of me. I had to accept that I have control over that, even if it did happen. I have control in that I don’t need to have anything to do with any of the people who are willing to believe gossip spread by another! I have choices to allow any idiot willing to believe this gossip, even near me!
I don’t need to listen to anyone willing to put me down and be disrespectful! My education has taught me that! I don’t need to give anyone space to do to me what these Adult Tenant Bullies did.
I got so caught up in the HRTO process, it took awhile for me to realize I am not answerable to anyone anymore. It took time for it to click in my head that I don’t need to answer their missives to me, to anyone, for anything I do. I was so caught up in defense, it was all I could see anymore. It was hard to let this one go, but I am finally ready. No more contact with Adult Tenant Bullies.
These Bullies have a distorted view of me, based on their own perceptions and all attributed to their hate based thinking of me. Their motives were negative, so they assumed everyone else was being negative too! You want to evict me for my actions? You must have something against interracial couples/tenants then! That is what I see. They not looking at their own actions that they do, of breaking the rules, they think I have something against them because I am pointing out they broke the rules!
They truly believe I deserve this treatment they show me in the content on stellareddy.com.
They took it personally, though it was a professional decision, and their response was personal. They see everything I do, including this website, as a sign of my guilt and my wrongdoing, thinking I am doing all these things out of guilt for what I did, as in their minds, I am guilty. I have come to see all that as projection. As in reality, it is the Bullies who are guilty for a nasty smear campaign. They know what they did, in the property and with these sites, is wrong but prefer to blame me for everything. Even their new site, is all about blame and all the bad things Stella Reddy has done.
I don’t need to defend myself against their actions, I take the lesson and learn from it, learn about Narcissism and what they do, or don’t do, so I can protect myself now and in the future. I learn to not get into a cycle anymore, as it won’t matter to toxic people determined to hate you anyway. I learn you can’t control what other people do out of hate for you, so let them go and ignore them. Ignore anyone who is willing to treat you the same way and make my boundaries so impretratable, no other narcissit will get through, as I will see them coming and can go the other way.
I am grateful now for my education and all I have learned about Bullies and Narcissists. I have these Tenant Bullies to thank for it, as without their intervention, I would continue on being naïve and oblivious to behaviours like theirs. I thank them for giving me the courage to change, not just my environment, but also myself. I am in a way better place now.
I thank them for forcing me to grow into the person I want to be.
Defending and Explaining
Most narcissists engage in some level of gaslighting and accusations. It is human nature to want to correct the record and defend yourself against accusations, but this only adds fuel to the fire.
Narcissists feed on emotion. The more they can stir up emotions in others, the more they feel in control and superior to those around them. They also have a distorted version of what is occurring, and they are not going to see how their actions contributed to the problem. In the same light, they assume everyone’s motives are negative, as their own emotions come from a place of deep insecurity and distrust.
Engaging in any type of explanation of your decisions or actions is not effective with the narcissist. He or she is not capable of trying to see any other perspective than the one they hold to be true. They are incapable of seeing their own bad behaviors, and it is simply easier to blame you. The more you try to convince them of the justification for your actions, decisions, or behaviors, the more they see your defense or explanation as a sign of guilt and wrongdoing.
Stop the Cycle
Narcissists will not change. They will not become compassionate or empathetic, and they rarely change their perspective to accept they are wrong. Continuing to argue, defend, or explain only creates a cycle that only benefits the narcissist.
To stop this cycle, you must be the one to act. The following tips and strategies can be used to help to stop the cycle and to allow you to gain confidence when interacting with a narcissist:
- Learn to ignore. When accusations or statements are made that are false or misleading, learn to ignore them. Recognize this is their misguided perception and that trying to defend yourself or explain why you did what you did only puts fuel on the fire.
- Stick to the topic. Narcissists often use blame and accusations to avoid difficult conversations. Knowing what you need to say and getting that message across without being distracted is critical.
- Know your boundaries. Knowing what you will and will not accept in behavior is critical. Set your boundaries and communicate them to the other person in times when they are able to focus.
- Walk away. Knowing when to simply end the conversation and hang up or walk away is essential. This comes from having clearly defined boundaries and also having a plan.
Managing interactions with a narcissist will always be a challenge. Working with a therapist or counselor helps build your skills and allows you to develop a plan on how to interact in a way that protects your emotional well-being.