My Anxiety Is High Today…

This is good anxiety, the type you get before seeing a specialist who will tell you if they can help you out or not. I can stand this, as I have many times before…

I have my appointment tomorrow and it is almost all I can think of these days. This is my last resort… If this doctor can’t help me with my spinal stenosis, then I am done and will have no choice but to watch my mobility deteriorate.

I will become so disabled and weak over time that I will require the use of a wheelchair for mobility because of my spine and legs, and there is not one thing I can do about it. My orthopedic specialist won’t even send me for physio, says it won’t help.

I have no idea how long the degeneration will take, it is a slow progression, but I can tell you that since August 2023, I have lost quite a bit of my mobility. I have numb areas in my upper thighs and around my ankles, weakness and cramping in my legs, pain going down the legs into my feet, and incontinence. I have pain from my neck down into my left arm and my pinky and ring finger are completely numb. Putting on jewelry is a pain… lol Good thing I am right-handed as I wouldn’t be able to write either. Typing takes a while… It might take you 5 minutes to read this post whereas it may take me 2 hours to type it.

I used to walk back and forth to the grocery store with my little shopping cart, which is 10 minutes away, at least twice a week and could deal with it, but now, I have to stop halfway and rest my back for a few minutes before I continue. I am lucky if I go once a week! Hubby has taken to going on his way home from work instead these days or we go together on the weekend. I get to the store and have to lean over the cart for a bit to stretch out my back and ease the pain. I can’t even pull my little shopping cart anymore.

The pills I take, Gabapentin, do help with the nerve pain but it just takes the edge off so I can function somewhat, even after my dosage was increased a couple of months ago. Extra-strength Acetaminophen helps with the arthritis in my legs. I take other pills but for other things… I don’t take anything for anxiety anymore, haven’t needed them.

If I stand and wash dishes, I have to stop halfway through and spend a few minutes leaning over the sink to stretch out my lower back and ease the pain and tightness there. Standing around and walking, causes tightness and pain and the only way to relieve any of it is to bend over and flex out my back… I can sit all day with no issues, except for swelling in my lower legs and feet. (I’ve even started wearing compression socks for that, which I find awesome.)

The Orthopedic specialist I see told me in July 2023 that my back was too bad to help me recover from the knee replacements I needed, and he believes my legs are too weak to help me recover from back surgery. I asked him then where does that leave me? and he didn’t have an answer, just that my body was in bad shape. He did send me to see this doctor tomorrow for a consultation, so you never know! He even complimented me on still walking on my own after breaking both legs and knees all those years ago, as they all thought arthritis would have prevented me from doing so long before now. They don’t know how stubborn I am.

No worries, I will be fine as I have tools that help me alleviate my anxiety that I have been using and I slept well last night, so that also helps! I know that whatever comes, I will be okay. I will continue to do all I can for myself and my own physical and mental well-being. I know my hubby is there to support me, physically and emotionally, as well as my friends and family. I knew this was coming, though I thought it would be my legs giving out, not my back…


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5 thoughts on “My Anxiety Is High Today…

  1. I really hope the appointment goes well. I’m so sorry about your health issues and although there may not be a way to stop it, try to stay strong and do your best.

    1. Thank you for your kind words Pooja, they are appreciated. I will be okay, once the appt is over and I know what my options are. I will do my best to work with what I am given but either way, I know I will be okay. Appreciate what I have, not what I have not, is my mentality.

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