, Self-Love,
Getting away from “the defensive crouch” as noted below was hard for me to do. Living with extreme fear as I did over false allegations made against me that could have seen me physically attacked, by them and by strangers, was terrifying and hard to get past, but I had to find a way. I became very disconnected from everything. I was scared of the world and the people in it.
I gave up my power to Adult Bullies and doubted whether I could survive their smear campaign in my name on the internet. I gave in to the doubt I felt that the truth would come out before I lost myself completely to the fear and psychosis it caused me from time to time. I lost my faith, not only in others but also in myself. Coming back from that has shown me just how strong I am!
It took many months to get out of that thinking but it started for me when I received the CAD from HRTO on May 31, 2019. That letter woke me up and helped me see I was caught in a loop of feeling the need to react to their emails all the time. You can see this thinking here in this post! My Epiphany Moment!
It is true for me, I did realize the world was not as hostile and uncaring as I thought it was. Sure, there are some out there who wish me harm, as these Toxic Tenants did, but over time I was shown I didn’t need to fear everyone and everything as not every person is like them. I came to see that not every person felt as they did! I did get a strong sense of empowerment and love for myself and what I am capable of as I reminded myself of all the struggles I already survived in my lifetime, and it gave me deep knowledge that I can survive this too.
My first Trauma, the house fire I had in 1991, showed me I was strong and resilient and that I can come back from any experience and what I learned then helped me overcome this trauma now. All the tricks I learned back then have helped me in the past few years, and I am grateful for that.
I had to learn how to say “yes” to myself and what I needed to wake up my senses and to see and feel delight all around me. I have such a sense of “awe” all around me these days! The scenery of NL helped with that!
“The yes of pleasure, self-acceptance, and community ends the isolation and pain of self-doubt and the denial of your wonderful self.” Once I did that, there was no going back anymore. I have ended my isolation from society and the self-doubt is all gone. I am a wonderful person who is deserving to live my own life and have no need to worry about the judgments of others. It is how every person should live!! The freedom you feel, when you know that the opinions of others don’t count, is amazing!
Loving yourself, flaws and all will give you the freedom to live your own life to the fullest. Over the past few months, there has been a big shift in my personal life, as I have become fully engaged with myself and my needs. I’ve been buying new clothes, and no black colours either! I’ve even bought make-up and been wearing it, which is not something I usually did. I found some that work with my sensitive skin…
My life is expanding and I love it! I have a library card, and read different things every week; I joined for membership at the Rooms, the museum here that has a lot of different events happening throughout the year. I am creating a full life, filled with wonderful events and even more wonderful people.
I have become very bold in reaching for what I need to have a fulfilling life. Even in the face of all my physical issues, PTSD and its many symptoms, I know I can still have a fantastic life! I have lived with all these things for 32 years and still did things and lived, I am sure I can keep going. Can any person really stop me from living my own life and doing what I feel I need to do? I don’t break the rules, as my anxiety won’t let me, but I will live true to myself no matter what anyone else thinks.
I had surgery on March 1 2023 to remove a lesion found and the results came back high-grade VIN3, which is pre-cancer, but got clear margins, so I am good for another while. YAY!! I see her in Oct for a check-up and will go back every 6 months now. This has been part of my life also for many years and yet, I still kept going and lived my life in between procedures for it. Living with Cancer is hard, especially when it keeps returning, but I get the health care I need and I trust my doctor to look after me. It is only one small part of what makes my life.
The damage done to my body in 1991 has been coming back to haunt me over the past few years with arthritis and Cervical Stenosis, but while I might take some time to adjust to these diagnoses, I pick myself up and keep going and learn new ways of doing things. I have an Ortho specialist I see and I am having a CT-Scan in a couple of weeks on my spine, as they believe my stenosis is spreading into my lumbar region. No matter what comes out of it, I will keep going and find new ways of doing and thinking.
It is what I do.
Resilience is what you need to build to keep going in the face of so much opposition to keep you down. Whether it be physical pain, anxiety, or even another person, you need to fight those negative things and still find some way to do what you need to do.
The first step is always the hardest but if you want it bad enough as I do, you will find a way.
What it means to be resilience?
Resilience is the process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands.
Get Out of the Defensive Crouch
Operating from a place of fear, we buy the belief that I’ve got to look out for me and mine because no one else will. We lose our faith and stop trusting that Spirit will look after us. We become disconnected from other people, from ourselves, and from the sacred; and we perceive that we’re on our own. We forget the great resources available to us when we’re in touch with the divine.
—Alberto Villoldo, medical anthropologist and author of The Four Insights: Wisdom, Power, and Grace of the Earthkeepers
The pill bug, also called the roly-poly, will curl into a ball when it feels threatened. In similar situations of distress, opossums will play dead and turtles will retreat into their shells. The defensive crouch is common among animals, including humans. Times of adversity can lead you to withdraw into yourself, hiding from the outside world.
This kind of duck-and-cover routine can persist even after the danger has passed; like any habit, it becomes second nature through repeated practice. While this survival instinct can be useful in the face of true threats to your life, giving it rein over everyday moments also means giving power to self-doubt. It means letting go of confidence in yourself and your abilities and allowing opportunities for joy to pass you by. It takes a lot of work to undo learned defensive behavior, to take chances again and brave the world.
However, when that shift toward courage takes place, suddenly the world doesn’t seem so hostile and uncaring, and you realize just how capable you can be in turbulent times. Coming out of your defensive crouch creates a sense of empowerment and ultimately a love of yourself and what you are capable of.
Be Bold
Be bold in what you stand for and careful what you fall for.
—Ruth Frankel Boorstin, librarian of Congress
When you embrace yourself with boldness and dare to declare your love, especially for yourself, your life has more space for expression and independence. How do you practice boldness? It begins with learning to say yes: yes to the face in the mirror, yes to your desires, and yes to the life you want to live. The yes of pleasure, self-acceptance, and community ends the isolation and pain of self-doubt and the denial of your wonderful self. When you dare to say yes, you make your life more full and complete. Your entombed self comes alive again, your senses awaken, and you see and feel delight all around—and within. Yes, yes, yes!
