My growth game is very strong. I change all the time, just like you do. No one stays the same, daily life experiences will change a person, make them more aware of things going on around them. Reading and educating yourself on human behavior, also helps to change you. Learning to go to the root of your feelings and healing them, helps quite a bit.
My core beliefs don’t change though. I am still a good person underneath, someone who cares about people and someone who feels a lot of empathy for another. I see other people struggle and I want to help them. I have morals. I hated all the angry sites I did, which is why they are gone. It don’t fit who I am. Even some of the posts on here, make me uncomfortable with all the personal shit towards my Bullies. I hate placing labels on them, but other than using their names all the time, it is all I can so. I refuse to turn into a bitter old woman!
I don’t want to use their names, it gives gives me the creeps these days to write their names out, so I have been slowly changing how I write about them. They are no longer the driving force of my website, I am. My recovery and my education that helped me get here, is now what this site is all about. We all know by now what they did, and I have written about it enough on here. Their words and actions have been well documented on this site. stellareddy.com is still online, such as it is, and its words there tell you what they are doing to me.
For that end, yesterday was a fantastic day for me! PTSD and triggers was my day yesterday, but I made it through! I managed to get them under control!
After 30 years I faced my triggers and went to the hospital where I spent so much time at back then. I haven’t stepped foot in this hospital since I left it. I had physiotherapy yesterday for my ankle at the same hospital I lived in for 3 months and spent about 3 years going for therapy to learn to walk again. We left for Ontario a few yrs later and had no reason to go back there.
I went to this appointment alone yesterday, as I wanted too. I got there early, as I needed too. I even got the bus there on my own, and I used the crutches for stability. I had so many triggers of the past and the physio I did back then, in the same space I was currently in, I was in a spin for a few minutes with flashbacks. But, I got it under control, did my tricks to keep me in the present so that by the time my name was called to go in, I was okay.
It was important for me to do that. I had to show myself that I could get through being triggered and get thru it, on my own. I am so very proud of myself!!
If this was even a few months ago, it would not have been possible for me to do that on my own. I would have been terrified to go there on my own and deal with the triggers alone. Not anymore!
I talked to people on the bus stops, I talked to people on the buses, there and back, and I managed to even make the physiotherapist laugh and feel good by the time I left. I felt good knowing I could impress someone younger with my determination and ability to get my ankle back to normal, and regain my independence back. She was even impressed when I told her I walked to the community mailbox on my own the day before with just my cane. The more I walk, the stronger my ankle gets.
The therapist was very impressed with my mobility with my ankle and how far I have progressed on my own the past couple of weeks. I was further ahead than she thought I would be, so we spent the session not only showing me exercises for my ankle, but also for my knees. She put my ankle thrus some things and she was impressed over how strong and mobile I got it on my own. Even the movement is good and almost back to normal.
I go back next week, same time, and I get to finally ditch the crutches and use my cane now full time. Here at home, I don’t use anything, I can walk around on my own with no support. I made it to the hospital yesterday so hubby and I are going out this weekend for a little trek. I NEED to get out, spend some time around other people. I got some of it yesterday but it only made me want to get more! I have an appt Saturday to get my hair done and I am gonna spoil myself a little bit. I deserve it!
My 56th Birthday is Sunday. I have family coming over for a visit, and my son is making a cake. He knows how to bake!! He asked me what I wanted and said he wanted to spoil me this year, as his business is doing really well. My son has his own consulting business. I don’t talk about family too much on here, as I told them I wouldn’t, as this is about me, but I am very proud of both my children. They both went on to College and got their degrees and are now doing really well. My oldest has his business degree and started his own consulting business and my youngest got his Social Work degree and is working with teens who went thru similar things like he did with his ADD and learning disabilities. My oldest son is transgender and I support him 100%. He is engaged now and getting married soon to a wonderful woman. My youngest got married over a year ago and both are doing really well and I couldn’t be happier for them!
Yep, I had both kids when I was young, so now I can enjoy my retirement. They are both in their mid-30’s now! I accept I won’t have grandchildren, I knew that many years ago and it was never important to me. My children being happy is more important to me than being a grandmother. Their happiness and finding a good life for themselves was my focus.
I have no trouble anymore talking to people. I had no trouble yesterday, as by the time I got called, I was over my triggers and was able to be myself. I was myself talking to people on the bus too. As I said before, Newfoundlanders are a very friendly bunch and will say hello and talk to anyone they see. I use to be the same way and am getting back there again now. It is the best way to be, think of everyone as your friend and fellow human.
Treat people the way you want to be treated was always my motto in my life and it made me a very good building superintendent in Ontario. I treat people with respect. I have patience to listen and am kind to people. My history speaks for itself and the people I came across over my lifetime, will remember me for that reason. Even the people I meet now, remember my positive vibes and kindness. It is how I want to be remembered.
People will remember their own personal experience with you over the words of someone else. I know that my meeting with the physiotherapist yesterday will be based on her personal experience with me and her own personal impression of my character. If by chance she does a web search of my name online, and finds all those damning websites about me written by an anonymous person, even this one, she will still base her experience on her meeting with me, not on some words she reads online written by a anonymous person she don’t know.
This is how life works, It is how people work. They believe their own personal perceptions over words from a stranger, over someone they just met. I accept that now as I have been shown it is how it is. I am very safe from anything Adult Tenant Bullies hope their sites will do to my life.
I have a lot of appointments coming up and I know the people I meet will see me for me, not how anonymous people write about me online. I am confident now in that. Those domains, and their nasty malicious content, don’t matter now, the contents are old and now history from 5 1/2 years ago.
I am moving on from all that and concentrating now on me and my daily affirmations. I am making connections with people here in my environment, online and in my community. It will only keep growing. I will keep growing.
Allow me to reintroduce myself. I am a 56 year old woman who is recovering from PTSD, once again. I have severe anxieties but I have learned to fight them and not allow them to stop me from living my life. I have various health issues that limit my mobility, but I can get out in nature and take in its beauty. I don’t dwell on my problems, I fight them and learn to live with them, and still find a way to do what I want. I have a very high independent streak, some call it stubbornness, that gets me moving and doing what I need to do, for myself. I find it hard to rely on others, but I have let down my guard lately and it is getting easier to ask for support.
All I want is to live my life in peace, surrounded by the Ocean, and take in the beauty of my home province and its people. Maintain my health and live a long life here. I want a quiet, drama free, retirement! We are comfortable in all ways and can afford to do what we want, and I want to be free to do that. I’m not asking for too much and I am working to get that. All this will pass, in time, just like everything does. Tomorrow is another day to make it what I want!