My Personal Diary Entries

I am glad I don’t feel this way anymore! I know I am a strong independent person who can achieve anything I work towards, especially getting mentally healthier. I have it within me to grow and move on from my life challenges, even from Tenants who Bullied me.

Personal Diary entry!!

I have become a very selfish person over the past couple of years, only caring about my comfort and what I need to be happy, and I am way happier about it! Once I gave up caring what other people thought, and what other people said, the stronger I became mentally. As my sister says, I gained a fuck it button and when anything comes to me that I don’t need to concern myself about, I say fuck it and move on.

As the poster says, I am not my abuse nor am I my Trauma, I am the little spark of hope that survived and burned all their lies to ash. I escaped the nasty clutches of their Smear Campaign and I made it out the other side, a little damaged, but still whole. Damage can be repaired over time, with attention and hard work.

My personal self-care has been long overdue! I have reduced this situation in my mind to its barest facts, that of Tenants breaking the rules and as part of my job, I applied for their eviction for doing that. Whatever else came after that initial action they did, was all bullshit on their part to try and cover that up.

I have recovered from so much, mental and physical, in my lifetime that it has shown me there is nothing I cannot recover from! I follow the rules, have high integrity and ethics, and will live my life by my own values, not others. I am very comfortable with myself and my life these days and no more depression!! I am not lost anymore and have found a purpose.

I got over the grief of losing my career, it was time anyway and I am grateful for all the years I did have in the Property Management Industry. I am retired, but I am not useless, as there are a lot of things I can do and contribute to my household and to society. I have no more fear, of anyone or anything and live my life these days for my comfort, not anyone else’s. I go where I please.

I had 2 episodes of psychosis in 2018, the first one on July 4 and the second in early Nov, when my hubby came home and found me beating my head on the wall, trying to get the nasty thoughts out. I don’t remember much of this, except for the extreme fear I felt. I felt so persecuted in those days like my every move was being watched and evaluated, and found wanting. Therapy and research helped me get out of all that over time…

It wasn’t easy living that way and I am so glad I got the courage to leave that place! Yes, it took a lot of courage to face those property owners back then, I was very distrustful of everyone, but I am glad I did. The planning of our move from one Province to another, during a pandemic, was hard and stressful, but I had 3 months to get it right. So much paperwork for each Province we drove thru! The paranoia over that virus was noticeable in every place we stopped.

I am still working on trusting others, I don’t think I will ever feel totally safe around other people like I used to anymore. I have seen the dark side of human nature, their total cruelty in projections, manipulations, outright lies, gaslighting, and triangulation, of other people and see these things everywhere around me now. I can’t even watch TV shows anymore without seeing these traits within them, especially in the older shows I like. Sometimes, when the manipulations are so obvious, I cringe, as I know how uncomfortable it feels to be on the end of that!

I am glad for my education, as it protects me now from experiencing anything like this anymore. There is no chance for me to find myself in this position ever again, as my life has drastically changed. These days, my focus is on me and my health, mental and physical, and having a good life with my hubby. I do things that help me and make me feel good.

I have recovered from the surgery I had on March 1, 2023, to remove another lesion. I’ll find out Monday at my check-up appt. what the biopsy results are but I have a feeling she got it all and I go back to watch and wait again. I feel really good! Either way, I will be okay, as I have been here before, many times, and survived so I will once again!

I have a CT Scan scheduled for the first week in May on my spine to check the progress of the Spinal Stenosis I have, as my specialist thinks the degeneration is spreading, based on my symptoms. My health is being maintained and I am getting the care that I need, which is so important these days.

I will always be okay, as I work on being okay!

I am so excited for the summer to come! I have family members coming again for a visit from the Mainland, Hubby and I have a trip planned for July, and my son is getting married later in the summer!! So many things to look forward to!

Below, is a picture of my favourite place, the Harbourfront where I feel such peace. I can sit in this area for hours taking in all the sights, sounds, and smells. It is here where I learned to practice Mindfulness, as it was easier to focus on those things rather than the thoughts in my head.

It was also this place that started getting me to leave my house when I first moved back, as being by the water was cathartic for me. I would fight my fears to go to this place, and with each time, the easier it became.

Over time, I used the same thing to fight my fear of other public places, like grocery stores, Markets and Craft Fairs, and even Concerts! Last summer, that was all I did, was do things I feared the most so I could get past them and also strengthen my ankle after breaking it. I did a lot of walking last summer and expect to do even more this year!!

My Favorite Place!! April 14, 2023

September 19, 2018

Me and My Depression

I am writing this out in the hopes that once I get it out it will be easier for me to work with and explain to others.

I have been feeling very lost. As we all know one of the major signs of depression is feeling guilty and worthless in the sense that I don’t feel that I am good enough, for much at all. My health issues limit so much of what I can do physically and over the past few years with the stenosis stuff, its gotten worse to the point where I can’t do like I use to. The one thing I did have was my job, the ins and outs of property management and managing apartment buildings, my brain, was of use, and I don’t even have that anymore now.

So what good am I? This is what I need to work out.

I have spent the past 2 yrs feeling like no matter what I do, it will never be enough, and the one thing I did have, my brain and my skills in property management, wasn’t even good enough anymore. I had to listen to A put me down by telling me I am too strict but he just won’t understand why, and had him monitor everything I did and try to boss me around and try to get me to do things that I knew was wrong. I had L pass everything off to me, tell everyone I was the boss, and I felt overwhelmed as it wasn’t what I wanted.

I spent 2 yrs fighting with A and L to do the right thing in this business and most times, they ignored me and did their own thing anyway and when the shit hit, I had to deal with it.

There were so many small things, like interest owed to tenants, hydro issues, and tenants doing things they shouldn’t and getting away with it, all played on me over time. They allowed things to progress to the point where I couldn’t do it anymore as it was too much stress and I had no support and no matter what I said to them, they just kept putting me off, telling me it will be over soon and to wait a bit longer.

They left me alone to do things but when it came time to being hard, like filing with the LTB, I wasn’t allowed. I had them put me off and gave me no support over the issues with 303, though I have asked them to deal with them at the time in Oct 2016 and they refused. My skills were good for them when they wanted me to use them, but to enforce the rules and go the extra mile to get it done, they wouldn’t allow it. When things got hard and tenants got nasty they always wanted me to back off and ignore it and let it go away, or give in to them to keep the peace. How could I work like that?

I had leeway when it came to the daily stuff but to stick to my guns against tenants, they wouldn’t let me, so tenants got away with stuff and I had to deal with the result anyway, like what is going on with 303.

Over time, all the things that people do and say that criticized everything I did in my job wore me out to the point where I thought why bother to keep going when I can never make anyone happy? Why wear myself out anymore when what I do and say don’t make a difference anyway? It also got to the point where the stress was overwhelming and I couldn’t think straight anyway anymore so what good was it?

I was suffering and telling people how I felt, but was ignored and passed off and yes, that bothers me too as I felt that my feelings and my issues were not important to anyone, just what they wanted.  

I feel useless. I feel scared. The little things that I can do I sometimes screw up anyway and get criticized for it, like yesterday. Russell complained over how long it took me to go out. I felt like I was a bother to him and that I can’t do anything on my own and he made himself go with me. Then when I try to talk to him he can’t understand me and I end up feeling even more useless.  He tells me he is scared of me snapping one day and doing something to myself or others. As I have never done that, even when I was at my lowest a couple of months ago, and I can’t live like that, with that fear in my head all the time, or I would be afraid of everything.

Not many people know what it feels like to have a body that don’t want to do what you tell it to do. I can’t do too much housework at the one time and not in the way I want but the little I can do does make me feel better as I am contributing to the household. The little things I can do, when I am able, I like to do as it makes me feel useful that I can at least do something. I don’t care how long it takes, or that I do things differently, as long as I DO something. Please, don’t complain over how it is done, just let me DO something.

Right now, I can’t handle being told I am doing something wrong or comparing how you would do it, as it just plays on my own sense of worthlessness and I end up feeling why bother to do anything at all if it just gets complained about? Just sit here like a lump and let everyone else do everything around me as no matter what I do, I can’t make anyone happy. That’s how I feel most days. I am always told what I am doing wrong and being compared to others, and being held back from doing the little things that I can do as I do it wrong or at the wrong time.

I get to the point sometimes where I am afraid to move, talk, or do anything as I am afraid of what will be said to me or asked of me. It has gotten that bad and my self confidence is that low. My anxiety and paranoia gets so bad that any complaints, any pressure, or expectation from anyone and I freeze and am afraid to move.

I hide away in my corner and hide away in my own mind, pretending that I can’t be seen or heard so no one will say anything to me. If I can’t be seen or heard then no one can complain about anything I say or do.

I think of other people in the building and wonder sometimes what they are saying about me. I heard that 303 told everyone that I was fired so I have a feeling that they all now believe his lies. I wonder sometimes what L and A are saying about me to the new manager and to the tenants. I also wonder what the tenants are saying to the manager as well.

The overwhelming feeling of being of no use to anyone or anything is terrible and I have a hard time getting past it. The paranoia of feeling like everyone is out to get me is also terrible. The feeling of not being good enough to do shopping, housework, or anything else is also terrible. Waiting for complaints and criticisms when I do manage to do something is also terrible.

I am trying really hard to get past these feelings. I do know that continuing to live here with all these paranoid feelings over the property owners, the tenants, and the new staff, is hard to do, as I am still living in it and faced with it everyday. I also know that leaving won’t make it go away either and will only make it look like they won, which I refuse to do.  

I do know that once I have validation that everything 303 has claimed against me is all lies, I know I will feel better as my confidence will get a boost and I will have something to show other people. There will be actual proof on paper that they are lying about me.

I get so pissed when I see more emails from 303 with their lies in it and I am anxious for it to be all over. But I know that isn’t going to happen soon and it gets me depressed and feeling down, as I still have to put up with all this.

I get stressed with what I read as I keep seeing the same crap over and over. I get so tired of reading their lies and I can’t respond the way I want too. I want to knock them down and I have thoughts of revenge, which is weird for me, but these people have terrorized me for the past 2 yrs and have questioned everything I have done here. I do get angry but once the anger passes all I am is depressed and feel worthless and guilty for all the things I can’t do right anymore.

I have good days and they seem to be happening more often, but I need to go at my own pace and do what I need to for myself.

I love you Russell, more that you could ever know and I appreciate having you in my life and I know I am not easy to live with, ever. But I do know I will get through this like every other time I have done so, just takes time. Please, just support me, hug me when I need it, help me feel like I am useful, that I am able to do stuff, and allow me to do thing my own way in my own time so I can feel at least a little confident in my own abilities. I need to feel comfortable with talking.

Its just a vicious cycle that I am stuck in and I need some peace time, where I hear no complaints or put downs, so I can start building my own confidence again. Right now, it feels like I am getting it everywhere from every angle and it is overwhelming me.

My Personal Diary

June 19, 2018

I have been feeling very much alone and very lost. I have been having so many stomach knots, foggy head to the point I can’t think straight and I just don’t know what to do. I am very depressed and on the edge…

I have spent so much time listening to people put me down, tell me I am wrong, that I do wrong, for so long and then to have my own husband start at me about how I am and how I do things, was just the final straw for me. For my own husband to start the train of how I do things wrong broke my heart actually the other night and I don’t really know if I can get past that. I now feel so totally alone, with no support. everyone is so afraid of becoming these Tenants next targets!

So I don’t talk and by not talking about how I am feeling and helping to get my frustration out as it happens, is why I am in this state now, as keeping it all in don’t help either. 

What’s the use in trying when it ends up being more frustrating and hurtful for me?  No one wants to be cut off all the time and told they heard all this before or to give me their opinion on how they deals with these things. I don’t care that they are able to let it go and not have it bother them. That’s all well and good for them, it IS NOT ME! I I should be able to express myself any way I can, even if it incudes rambling on about the same things for 20 minutes and I repeat the same things over and over, I am getting it out.

Isn’t that the point?  Shouldn’t I be allowed to express myself too in however I am able? Isn’t the point of getting out frustration in any way I can so I don’t get too depressed or down? It’s a losing battle as I am at the point where I wonder why I bother as it hasn’t changed in all these yrs so I should accept it never will. How is that helpful to me?

The pressure I feel is crazy as well. The pressure of work only I can do at the moment is very stressful as my head is not in it. I am having a hard time getting thru this foggy head to think of what I have to do. I don’t want to work anymore. I have had enough of dealing with ungratful people!

Actually, I want to run away, find a quiet hole to stick myself into and enjoy the peace of no phones and no people. But, I have no way of doing that. I am stuck and I feel stuck.

I have to figure out something soon as the pressure inside myself is building and yes, I do feel on the edge and all I need is something else to set me off and I will lose it. I am so afraid the crying will start and I won’t be able to stop, then the screaming will start.

I have been here, once before, many years ago after the fire and I don’t want to go thru that again. The last time got me into a program at the hospital and I ended up going through major counselling and group stuff for about 5 yrs. I don’t have the physical or mental ability to do all that again.

The end is close but not close enough for me yet. I need to find a way out to save my own sanity, to hell with eveyrone else!

My Personal Diary

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