Toxic Shame: Stems From Other People

It took a long time for me to understand the terrible shame I was feeling for so long wasn’t mine to feel. Toxic Adult Bullies I had placed their own feelings of inaduquacy onto me by their actions.

As the poster above says, Shame is the lie that I am a racist person that Toxic Adult Bullies told me about myself in so many emails, documents, and on so many websites, over the past 6 years.

As it says below, the shame I was feeling was from being treated so poorly by Adult Tenant Bullies and their followers by the Smear Campaign ongoing on the internet in my name over such a long time. I was put in a very humiliating position by Tenants actions, not my own. I didn’t make them deny access, that was choice they made on their own. It is also not my fault they didn’t bother to invistigate the rules for themselves either. I didn’t make and post 859kennedyroad.com on November 2, 2017. with the others that later followed. I didn’t go around the building knocking on doors, asking people to sign the petition hoping to get me fired from my job. I didn’t try to start a Tenants Assoc. in hopes of turning Tenants against me and the owners. I didn’t stand in the Lobby, speaking about myself in a derogatory manner and I definitely didn’t call myself names on various posts on various websites that I made, and on Facebook. In the end, no one can “force” these Toxic Tenants to do anything they chose to do. I didn’t send out a letter to all Tenants notifying them of stellareddy.com in April 2019 either.

In the beginning, I was quiet and didn’t say much at all, I ignored them as much as I could. Once the websites started showing up in 2017 with all their humiliating and malicious words of degradation of my character and of me, was when the shame started. I ended up feeling totally inaduquate and like I could do nothing right, so I froze, tried to hide away in my apartment and became a hermit, avoiding everyone and everything, left drowning in the HRTO process and so much shame for bringing that mess into everyone’s lives. Reading such negative words about yourself written by someone else over the 19 months of that process alone, just made it worse. It was very dibiliating, the process of Human Rights in Ontatrio.

It is in counselling that I learned of Toxic Shame and that it isn’t mine to feel, and it has taken me the better of the past 2 years to get rid of it. Toxic Adult Bullies I had placed their own feelings of inaduquacy onto me. Toxic Adult Bullies deliberatly went out of their way to cause humiliation of me to make themselves look and feel better. Toxic Shame came about by the actions they did of posting websites online, of spewing false allegations of racism on a daily basis, and creating such a poisoned working envieronment for me that I had no choice than quit my job and leave Ontario completly once all legal actions were over. I had to move out of that environment.

These toxic shame feelings can come from other people. Situations like this may occur when others place their own feelings of inadequacy onto other people. They may treat others poorly and do things to humiliate them to try to make themselves feel better. Most of the time, those who treat others this way may do it to make themselves feel powerful. Therefore, the toxic shame we experience unfolds because of other people.

For some people, seeing websites online filled with intimate speculations on your personal life is such a derogatory manner, is Traumatic and can cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder on its own. For a individual already diagnosed with PTSD, it can make your symptoms worse, like me.

I always felt a little inaduquate due to my physical limitations from the arthritis in my legs and my inability to do some of the more pysical aspects of the job I had. Over the years working in the Property Management industry, my physical abilities became less and less, to the point where I couldn’t do much cleaning anymore by the time we got to this job. Which is why we choose to take a position is such a small property, it was easy for my hubby to clean on his own and I could focus on the office work, which isn’t much for such a small building. It was part time work for me and I was more than okay with that after not working for a year while I got use to having Cervical Stenosis. At least till I got suckered into taking on their other properties as well! It was still easy for me, 65 units is nothing to me in paperwork, but it was a lot more stress, especially dealing with spoiled Tenants that were there.

To be honest, I started feeling a little used by the Owners, as I told them I couldn’t take on more work, but they did it to me anyway, said it would be easy for me. At least till RentSafeTo came out and there was a lot of work needed to be done for that, in all properties. Getting 3 properties spread so far apart, ready for that inspection was not easy. Also, some of the Tenants in the other buildings were spoiled and I had to change that too. It was a nightmare in the beginning to get Tenants to follow the Rules when they didn’t before.

To give you an idea, I once had a tenant there ask to use a vacant, newly renovated unit for family members coming to visit, rent free, for a few months. They got upset I said no. No one realizes the time and money that goes into renovating an unit with new bathrooms and kitchens, including new appliances. There was over 10.000 spent and they wanted to use it for a few months, rent free. Then once they move out, we would still have to pay more money to get it refreshed again. No Landlord can afford to do that.

Also, while getting a property ready for RentSafeTO I had to get Tenants to clean out the storage items they had in a laundry room there, including a bike rack some of them installed in this room on their own for their bikes, as I was told by the Fire Inspection it was a hazard and not allowed in a laundry room where all the electrical was also installed. One of the Tenants there didn’t believe me so she called a friend she knew at the Fire Dept, who sent another inspector to have a look with the Tenant. She learned what I was saying was correct and she had no choice other than remove her stuff, including her bike. I should not have had to experience that.

There were more instances like that with Tenants there, as they were use to getting what they wanted, and I come in and now they can’t. It was a nightmare for a long time and I know I was given those properties as I had the fortitude to stand up to Tenants and didn’t back down, not like the owners, who gave in to some. They couldn’t afford to keep going like that but didn’t have the strength to stand up to Tenants they knew for many years so left it with me to fix for them. I felt very uncomfortable with that and even told them, but it didn’t change anything. There were still even Tenants I wasn’t allowed to push to follow the rules, which also made me very uncomfortable. I was made the scapegoat for them, the one who came in and fixed their mistakes they made over time. If they got a call from a Tenant with a request that make them uncomfortable to say no to, they sent them to me instead. That was not a good spot for me to be in, as I was made into the bad guy.

So yes, I was made to feel Toxic Shame not just by the Tenant Bullies of 303, but also by the property owners and other Tenants in other units in other buildings they had and counselling was the only thing that helped me release it. I came to see all these things and once I went back and re-read all the emails, documents, and applicaitons made against me, I could see it for myself. I now know I am not unworthy like they imply and while I know I made mistakes with some of my reactions to their antics, I still did nothing wrong. I was treated terribly by these Toxic Tenant Bullies, some of the other Tenants there as well, and towards the end, also by the property owners, as some of their words and actions also made me feel to blame for putting them in that position.

I came to realize I was the scapegoat for everyone else to Blame, as they couldn’t handle feeling any responsibility for where this situation ended being. The Tenants Bullied me and spread gossip and lies, online and off: the Property owners abused my skills to get all their properties on track and up to par in the rules and procedures as well as Tenants under control: and other tenants abused me because of all the positions I was put in by these other people.

I hope that you learn faster about these things than I did, as it will save you a lot of heartache. As I said before, I didn’t want the education I have gotten over narcissism, toxic people, and their many traits, but I needed it to get over it and become whole once again. Better late than never, I say!!

Have you been struggling with feelings of worthlessness? This may be a sign of toxic shame. Toxic shame is a term that refers to the shame people feel from being treated poorly by others and internalizing that shame into a belief. Many people who are coping with toxic shame may have experienced traumatic events in childhood, but some people develop toxic shame challenges later in life and can experience “survivor’s guilt.” When we feel toxic shame, it may make us feel as if we’re worthless and manifest itself as self-loathing.

Strong negative emotions like this can take a toll on us. When we’re experiencing toxic shame, it can cause great distress and keep us from achieving life goals. We might feel incapable of moving forward in life due to the toxic shame that we’re feeling. If left unchecked, this toxic shame could cause us to develop additional mental health challenges over time. In this case, it can be essential to learn how to cope with toxic shame properly so that we can get our lives back on track.

The Challenges Of Toxic Shame

Toxic shame can be damaging because it can create feelings of unworthiness and humiliation. When someone has been put in a humiliating position by others, it may cause them to lose faith in themselves. They might feel wholly inadequate and like they can never do anything right. Toxic shame is often something that happens to children when they’re young. Parents might transfer toxic shame onto their children by communicating with them in negative ways or mistreating them. Sometimes even nonverbal cues can cause children to feel intense toxic shame. These issues can percolate and become more pronounced when the kids grow into adults.

When left untreated, toxic shame may turn into depression, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorders, anxiety disorders, and general self-esteem issues. While the dangers of toxic shame are apparent, there can be ways to cope with it. 

Toxic Shame Stems From Other People

When it comes to coping with toxic shame, it’s important that we realize our feelings of shame don’t necessarily stem from us. These toxic shame feelings can come from other people. Situations like this may occur when others place their own feelings of inadequacy onto other people. They may treat others poorly and do things to humiliate them to try to make themselves feel better. Most of the time, those who treat others this way may do it to make themselves feel powerful. Therefore, the toxic shame we experience unfolds because of other people.

Once we accept that our feelings aren’t because of anything negative we did, it may be easier to feel better about situations. It may still take time to come to terms with feelings of toxic shame but knowing that we aren’t to blame for what is going on may be helpful. It’s possible to take control of toxic shame and release it once we feel strong enough. This isn’t something we can do with the support of mental health professionals.

Reality Vs Toxic Shame 

Generally, people may feel toxic shame based on some type of traumatic event that they experienced. Perhaps someone made negative comments to them or bullied them at some point in their life. These feelings we have may involve thinking we’re unworthy of love or that we’re a worthless human being. This can have challenging repercussions on one’s mental health.

It may be important to examine the reality of the situation and compare it to our toxic shame. We may find that our toxic shame isn’t based on logic or reality—it’s just a perception that we have due to what happened to us in the past.

Even if our toxic shame doesn’t come from anything that is true about us, it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. For instance, someone could have been told they were annoying as a child and grew up to hold a very insecure view of themselves experiencing low self-esteem as a result. Another example of toxic shame could be if someone was humiliated for their weight growing up. This could lead to body image issues that could eventually develop into an eating disorder. Learning to overcome toxic shame may take time and may require the professional assistance of a therapist.

Turn To Your Support System For Help

Ensuring that we have a good support system in place can be beneficial for overcoming toxic shame. We shouldn’t feel like we must face the world alone when we’re dealing with toxic shame. Sometimes those feelings of shame can be strong, and we may want to reach out for help. Having family or friends to turn to that have our best interests in mind may be good for improving self-confidence. 

The Importance Of Self-Love And Self-Care 

We can use self-care to help ourselves feel more confident overall. Treating ourselves respectfully and working on making positive life changes can be a priority in this journey of healing. This can push us to be the best version of ourselves while helping us to overcome self-esteem issues that stem from the toxic shame. 

It’s possible to learn to love ourselves for who we are and stop the cycle of toxic shame in order to move forward with full confidence. We can learn to recognize our self-worth and feel confident about ourselves. 

Takeaway

Toxic shame can be distressing and impactful on our lives as it may create feelings of unworthiness and humiliation.

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/guilt/learning-to-cope-with-toxic-shame/

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