Effects of Toxic Narcissistic Abuse

https://www.verywellmind.com/effects-of-narcissistic-abuse-5208164

This is a great article that explains the effects of Mental Abuse by toxic narcissistic bullies! It is emotional abuse and is used to manipulate people.

Narcissistic abuse is a type of emotional abuse where the abuser only cares about themselves and may use words and actions to manipulate their partner’s behavior and emotional state.

Anxiety

Many narcissistic abuse survivors live with anxiety. After experiencing narcissistic abuse, you may experience extreme fear or anxiety in relationships with new people. Those who leave abusive relationships may experience separation anxiety, leading them to feel panicked and disoriented when they’re not with their abusers.

If your symptoms include anxiety attacks, panic attacks, or hypervigilance after being abused by a narcissist, know that these symptoms will ease over time, particularly if you can work through your trauma with a professional.

The anxiety I felt over being Bullied by Tenants living in the same building I worked in, was debilitating for me. I have had anxiety issues my whole life. For as long as I can remember, I was anxious over something and I have been seeing specialists about it since I was 17 years old. I won’t get into that today but I learned to manage it with various tools I learned over the years and I was doing great with it.

This anxiety felt different to me for some reason, scarier. My fear of being attacked, physically or verbally, was extreme to the point where I was throwing up all the time. The stress in my body made me psychically sick and lasted for many months. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. I lost over 80 lbs during this time and spent a lot of time sitting at my desk, headphones on, drowning out the world, trying to hide away.

I was waiting for time to pass for all legal actions to be over. That was all that was in my head, waiting for all the legal actions to be over and the truth to be exposed about the lies being told about me, in person and on the internet. I didn’t care about anything else.

Depression

Many people who have experienced narcissistic abuse also develop depression. Survivors often struggle with feelings of worthlessness after months or years of being told how useless and stupid they are by their abuser. After years of being manipulated and gaslighted, you may also isolate yourself, which can make feelings of depression worse.

I had enough experience with Depression to know that I was severely depressed. For the first time in my life, I was even suicidal and tried twice to kill myself. That was a really difficult time for me and I do have blank areas of memory, as one day just drifted into another and I was at times under serious medications too that caused brain fog. I felt hopeless. When I finally got to see a specialist in Nov 2018 I was diagnosed with severe depression with psychotic episodes and severe anxiety. I was also told my PTSD symptoms had flared and he added the Complex part as I was being abused over a long period of time.

The more HRTO dragged out, as they too didn’t abide by their own timelines, the worse I got. I felt like I had to read every email from these Bullies as I felt I needed to know what they were writing, in case I needed to defend myself.

As you noted from earlier posts I wrote, these Tenant’s Bullies were constantly adding new allegations against me! All these additional false allegations they kept spewing over that 19 months were terrible but I noticed over time, they were also becoming very improbable. They were assigning me actions that were just not possible to have occurred!

These Bullies think people are stupid enough to accept their allegations as noted on these sites, like what he wrote below. These Bullies also think I am stupid! Do I strike you as stupid?

On almost a weekly basis, she tries to hack this site’s WordPress control panel, hoping to receive an email to log in and delete the site herself.

We received emails like this below from our hosting company regularly.

Stella Reddy is trying to obtain a Password Rest Link via email.

https://stellareddy.com/the-obsessed-unhealthy-nature-of-stella-reddy/

By this time, I was having issues with other family members getting upset over them being dragged into the smear campaign against me and I felt guilty for them having to deal with that. I felt like I had brought all this upon my family. I now know none of that is my fault, I didn’t involve them, the Tenant Bullies did.

Post-Traumatic Stress

As a narcissistic abuse survivor, you will likely have symptoms of post-traumatic stress. Your brain will be on high alert, looking out for danger. This is because the traumatic events triggered a fight or flight response within you. As a result, anything associated with those memories can trigger an anxiety attack.

After experiencing narcissistic abuse, you may feel the need to be on guard 24/7. Victims of narcissists often mention that they never knew what their abuser was going to do next. You may struggle to relax because of chronic hypervigilance and expecting them (the abuser) to be around every corner.

You may also steer clear of certain situations or things that remind you of the abuse. This can range from avoiding certain places or particular people.

I already had PTSD from a house fire I was involved in back in 1991 that took me 5 yrs of therapy to learn to manage my symptoms and it was reactivated. All the tricks I had learned to help me get thru, no longer worked. My hypervigilance was terrible, all the time. I never knew what they were going to do or say next, in person, on social media, and on their websites. I was terrified to leave my apartment, as I was always afraid of confrontation.

This is where the camera system came into play for me. I would look at the cameras whenever I had to leave to make sure no one was around. My hubby would even watch me while I was in the laundry room, looking for anyone to come up to me. I was that paranoid, looking for danger everywhere! Being that diligent all the time was exhausting, yet, I couldn’t sleep, afraid someone might sneak up on me.

Out of everything I went through the past 6 and half years, the fears caused by their actions were the worst. Waiting for more lies to be thrown at me, was indescribable. I was lost, for a long time, to fear of violence. I had great fear that these Bullies would attack me in 2019 when he lost with Divisional Court on April 15 and stellareddy.com showed up not long after, on April 21. They were still living there then and didn’t move out till June 1, 2019, and I was terrified to run into them, afraid of what he would do to me. If you read any of their content on this site, you will understand why I was so fearful of that!

Loss of Sense of Self and Self-Worth

You may feel as if you have completely lost yourself. Narcissistic abuse is a form of brainwashing, and as such, it can destroy your sense of self-worth. You may no longer feel like the person you were before all this began.

In many cases, those who have experienced narcissistic abuse will struggle to recognize themselves in the mirror because they no longer see their true reflection staring back at them.

You may also have trust issues with other people (especially those closest to you), and constantly find yourself doubting or second-guessing yourself.

You may begin to feel like you are not good enough or that you did something to cause the abuse in the first place. This can lead to shame and embarrassment, which may often stop you from reaching out for help.

You may also have trouble making decisions. You may get confused by simple decisions, or you might feel unable to make any decision at all.

Narcissistic abusers will often try to derail your goals and aspirations. They want to control everything about you, down to the activities that made up who you were as a person.

Narcissistic Abuse is brainwashing!! With constant allegations being thrown about, the lack of trust being generated around me was also very hard to deal with. Over time, even the property owners were getting paranoid, which made my job harder. I was always told to “stay quiet” and not talk about the situation, with anyone. I felt abandoned, left on my own, with no support and no one willing to listen to me. My feelings didn’t matter to anyone. It caused me to lose trust in everyone as well, even my own husband. Our marriage went thru some hard times during this period too, but we worked it out.

I lost faith, even in myself. I had trouble making simple decisions, even like what to eat for dinner! As it says above, You may begin to feel like you are not good enough or that you did something to cause the abuse in the first place. I did start to feel that way and started questioning myself. With the help of therapy, I got over that. I did feel a lot of shame and embarrassment to be caught up in this mess, but it didn’t stop me from getting help.

The shame, toxic shame I call it, was hard. Being such a shy and quiet person, I felt persecuted, to be honest with you. Having some of my private life shared within their many domains, became hard for me to see and I became very addicted to looking at their websites, looking for new additions. I even signed up with various monitoring sites that checked for changes to their domain contents. It was a nightmare, I am glad I got out of it!! It took time for me to break that habit, but I feel better for doing it!

Narcissistic Abusers will often try to derail your goals. the Abusers I had, derailed my career. Their actions caused such issues in my psyche, I will never work again. I am disabled, in body and mind, always was but more so now. I can handle crowds these days, as my fear of being attacked over those websites is totally gone, but my anxiety is too bad to be around people all day anymore.

The day I quit my job, was July 4, 2018. I won’t ever forget the overwhelming emotions I felt seeing that email where they triangulate me with the property owners once again, sharing personal info about an HRTO complaint I filed myself against them, I lost it. It was a wave that built within me and crested over when I lost it. I don’t remember anything after reading out that email to the owner I was on the phone with at the time. I lost 2 days and my hubby never will tell me everything I said and did during that time. All he tells me was that it wasn’t me.

I am content with being home these days. We have a comfortable life here and can afford to do what we need to do and can even splurge once in a while and go to concerts! I am even going to the Mainland in the Spring to visit family!

Inability to Forgive Yourself

After experiencing narcissistic abuse, many victims struggle with feeling unworthy or believing that they deserve how the narcissist treated them. It may feel like there must be something inherently wrong with you if someone who was supposed to love you unconditionally used their power against you in such cruel ways. You might struggle with low self-esteem and believe that the narcissistic abuser would have treated you better if only you had done things differently.

You may also have trouble focusing on your goals and dreams. This could be because you’re still preoccupied with thoughts of what happened to you. Or, it could be that your sense of self-worth is so damaged, it’s difficult for you to believe that anything good can happen in your life anymore.

As the Narcissistic Bullies I had were not family, nor friends, I don’t have any issues with forgiving myself for this mess. I know I didn’t deserve their treatment of me and I know I did nothing wrong. I am lucky in this way, as I have my husband, who has shown me I am worthy and lovable. I know there is nothing inherently wrong with me. I have a lot of support these days!

I also know there was nothing I could have done differently, as there was no way I was breaking the rules of Entry for them to be comfortable. I was preoccupied for years with this mess, but I am no longer feeling hopeless. My self-worth has been restored as well as my self-esteem! I have shown up, expressed myself and was seen, for my experiences. Validation like that is priceless and helped me release the Toxic Shame that was pushed onto me by their false allegations of racism and discrimination. It is a very shameful allegation and caused untold issues within your psyche, especially when you know it is all a lie!

I forgive myself for the mistakes I made in the past with this situation and for not knowing what I know now about narcissism, toxic people, and adult bullies!

Physical Symptoms

After experiencing narcissistic abuse, you may live with physical symptoms, including headaches, stomachaches, or body aches. You may also have difficulty sleeping after experiencing narcissistic abuse. You may be stressed about what happened and find it difficult to shut off your brain at night. Or, you could end up having nightmares that haunt you for days afterward.

I lived all this during this time and it aggravated the physical issues I already had. I have Fibromyalgia, which was very active during this time, and didn’t help with the brain fog I already had from medications I was taking. I ended up going off some meds, as I couldn’t think straight enough to respond to HRTO, which caused me to become overwhelmed at times during the process. I even tore a couple of tendons in my left shoulder that took a couple of years to heal at one point. I already mentioned the constant throwing up from anxiety and fear!

My nightmares were always the same, scenarios of being physically attacked whenever I went outside my apartment, sometimes by strangers but mostly by these Tenants themselves.

I knew something that most people didn’t know about this Man Bully as I had access to their Tenant file and the application for the apartment that was submitted, You see, there is a handwritten note included with the application, stating that she was in a shelter after leaving her husband for domestic abuse and she needed a place for her and the kids. I was aware of this and it didn’t help with my fears of them attacking me. If he could abuse his wife, he would abuse me too and that was my thinking! I was planning on using it with my defence with HRTO, as it clearly shows I have reason to fear him attacking me physically!

Cognitive Problems

After narcissistic abuse, it may become difficult for you to concentrate on everyday tasks, such as completing work or just watching TV. Memories of traumatic events are known to interfere with concentration and focus. You may experience memory loss, especially short-term. This is because the brain releases a surge of stress hormones when traumatized, affecting the hippocampus region in your brain.

I have lost blocks of my memory from this period and if it wasn’t for my personal journal, I would be totally lost! I have kept a journal since I was 14 yrs old and it was a habit of mine to write out my thoughts on an almost daily basis. My journal is my memory, and no one or nothing can ever change it! I have referred to it numerous times over the years to help me recall certain things from this mess. I am grateful it is there, otherwise, a lot of this time would be lost to my mind because of the trauma I was feeling!

Keep a journal! Not only does it help with your memories later on, but it is also a great resource if you are being Gaslit! Gaslighting tries to change your perceptions of events but with a journal entry of that time, it won’t be possible, It is there for you on paper what actually occurred.

Emotional Lability

After going through a traumatic event such as narcissistic abuse, it’s common to suffer sudden mood swings accompanied by irritability. Or, you may find yourself feeling emotionless and like a robot. You might experience depersonalization where it feels as if everything around you is not accurate.

You might even feel the need to exact revenge against your abuser. But this hatred towards them only creates more stress and anxiety, which perpetuates mental health problems.

I have to admit, I got lost in this one for a while, looking for revenge against my abuser by making my own site filled with their names and actions. In the end, all that did was create more stress and anxiety, which is why they are no longer.

I was angry, for a long time, for what they did. I was so frustrated when they wouldn’t answer for those websites, they totally ignored that they were even there. I don’t hate them, I don’t have in me to hate anyone, but I don’t have any forgiveness for them either. I don’t think I ever will, though I know it would help me in the end if I did.

Effects on Children

If you have children who witnessed narcissistic abuse, they could also be at risk of developing mental health problems such as PTSD, anxiety disorders, or depression.2 They might become fearful in situations that remind them of their traumatic experiences. They might also feel angry at your spouse or the world, feel disconnected from other people, or have low self-esteem or confidence issues.

I was lucky, my children were already adults and living on their own, so were not immediately affected by this, but I feel very bad for their children and what they had to see from their parents over this mess. Seeing their young son sitting in the Landlord and Tenant Board tribunal room, watching the proceedings and seeing his parents act up as they did, was terrible for me. Seeing a young boy, under 10 yrs old, standing out on the front lawn by the Visitor’s parking holding up his Dad’s cell phone, recording me just sitting on my balcony enjoying the sunshine, will always break my heart. When I heard him call out to his Dad “see Dad? I am getting her on video”, I was disgusted and felt so bad for this kid, being stuck in that. These “concerned parents” brought both of their children to a Divisional Court hearing too, where they also got to watch their father get aggressive with the 3 judges there. I can imagine what they were exposed to in the home!

Yes, I did file a complaint with Child Protection after that incident with the child recording me on the cell phone. It was disgusting how they were asking this young boy to do that!

Stuck in a Cycle

After experiencing narcissistic abuse, many people find themselves stuck in a cycle where their abuser continues to contact them after the relationship has ended.

They may act nice (also called hoovering) in an attempt to get you back, issue threats, or attempt to manipulate you by making you feel sorry for them. This can be a tactic used by narcissists to keep their victims trapped in the cycle of abuse.

I was stuck in a cycle for a while as even though all legal actions were over, they wouldn’t let it go. After they didn’t show up to the hearing held with HRTO in January 2020, they posted socialjusticetribunalsontario.ca on June 1, 2020.

On this site, they claim that they had a “perfect case of racial discrimination and anti-black behaviour”, how they came to that conclusion, I have no idea! If it was such a “perfect case” why did they walk away from every opportunity to prove it?

This site is going to expose the Social Justice Tribunals of Ontario ( SJTO ) and its Human Rights of Ontario Tribunal ( HRTO ) deliberate mishandled a perfect case of racial discrimination and anti-black behavior against an interracial married couple / tenants and their bi-racial children by 3 Caucasian individuals.

https://socialjusticetribunalsontario.ca/timeline-of-facts-and-events-1/ is just an embellished copy of the 107-page Statement of Facts they gave with their applications to the Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario. While making this site, they did add things to this document they never had there before, items they gaslight over since they first did this stuff. I have the original where you can see the many changes they made. This site is what caused me to sign up with the monitoring services I had to watch for changes, as I saw them do it with this content. There was no way I was allowing them to make their lies worse because of things they learned over time!

These Adult Bullies’ actions are why I kept a journal over my lifetime! I refuse to allow anyone to change the experiences I had over my lifetime. They are unique to me and my memories are mine and will not be replaced by others because of gaslighting and manipulations they do!

They were adding more content, hoping to “trigger” me into doing something they could use against me, as you can see they did with their posts. Always looking for ways to get to my psyche and play on my fear!!

We left Ontario on September 15, 2020, and drove to NL, getting to our home on Sept 19, 2020, and it was the best thing I ever did! Since moving back to NL, my nightmares have gone away and I have not had a sleepless night since. It was hard in the beginning, I would go out but look at the ground and had to remind myself to look up, make eye contact with people and show myself, but it became easier over time. I feel safe here, always did from the moment I left Ontario!

As they say, you can’t get well in the same environment that broke you!

All was quiet from these Bullies after I left, until March 1, 2020, when I got an email from these Adult Bullies filled with threats. I got angry and made a free site on Wix.

Their taunts got to me and I made my own site, in my own name this time with the same company, Uniregistry and I signed up with Orange website, even got a discount, so I could share my story within. Once I did that and started diligently saving all their content on the Internet Archive. I even got a private email where these Bullies made the mistake of adding to their forwarding list, instead of the blocked list, and I got 5 emails meant for this Bully, one of which was a rent reminder for their apartment rental. This email gave me their address but of course, they would never admit that. I wasn’t silly enough to email anyone and everyone, looking for them. I believe in the Privacy Act and would never ask anyone to defy it!

They claimed in this content to be moving for his daughter to go to Medical School, yet, Niagara Regional Police found them still in the same space!! See how easily they lie?

I kept the contents of my site on Orangewebsite right up till July 2022 when I got threats from them against me in an email on July 7, 2022. They were threatening me with another Human Rights complaint that I knew was baseless, but they were still pretty aggressive in the contents, so I decided to finally go see my local Police and file a complaint.

In November 2022 I was notified that their sites had disappeared! Of course, they showed up again not long after, being redirected to the content I saved on the internet archive… They played with stellareddy.com for a while, first having it redirect to a Porn site then Yahoo.ca. I saved the change I got from the monitoring sites I had at the time!

I found the new domain, lorriereddy.com, not long after I filed. In the content, they imply Lorrie was a new name I made up, trying to hide. If it was new, why does he have it in their contents already? While these Adult Bullies have sworn they never stalk me online, they showed their hypocrisy with this site! Obviously, they had to have gone looking for me to find that!

I am starting to find their continuing antics on the internet a little funny. They called my sites a “Boo Hoo Pity Tour” yet, here they are on a rant on various websites once again about how everyone is against them from Vets, Teachers, School administrators and even other children! Crying about how badly they are being treated by all they meet and how it must be because of race.

In the end, making and posting my own Story of this big mess they made was what caused them to change hosts and try to hide away even more. I am good with that but not good with the fact they found new targets to terrorize.

On March 21, 2022, I found this link to the content they have associated with this site. Here, they claim they are the “truth speaker” when it is obvious they are not me! All this content holds is their “truth” as they believe it to be, not actual facts that can be proven, as there is nothing there. They are delusional!

As you can see, I still get caught up in it all sometimes…

Posted on  by Administrator

So after being offline for 4 months. It is time to bring back the truth speaker.. StellaReddy.com

Now the site was offline as a test to Stella Reddy. Which of coarse she failed as always.

You see Stella Reddy has always complained about the sites being up and how inaccurate they are in their depiction of her racist behavior and beliefs. There are countless times that Stella Reddy has said if the sites “were gone” she would move on with her life.

Well the sites were gone for 4 months and what did Stella Reddy do?

Read Chapter 20 and your find out.

http://stellareddy.com/welcome-back-to-stellareddy-com/

Trust Issues

After experiencing narcissistic abuse, your trust levels will likely be very low. While this can seem like a good thing (in some ways), it could also hinder your future relationships. This issue may lead to other problems such as social anxiety.

You might find yourself constantly wondering whether people are being truthful with you or if they are just manipulating your emotions to get what they want. You may become hypervigilant and overly sensitive to criticism or judgment from others due to the fear of being betrayed yet again.

You may struggle with trust issues in all aspects of your life, including personal relationships, friendships, work interactions, or even contact with family members. You may also experience insecure attachment, which means that you may constantly feel that people will leave or betray you.

Unfortunately, I am still struggling with this one and I know I will for a while yet. I am particular about who I let into my circle! It is why I know I will never work again, I don’t have the ability to put my faith in someone else to have my back as it were in any situation. The thought of dealing with people all day long as I used to is not for me anymore. I lost trust in everyone there for a time, even in myself, and even my own husband. My trust and faith in humanity were destroyed and it is hard to get it back again. It takes a lot to break my trust in someone, but once it happens, it is hard to rebuild. I have endured too much nastiness from others. I have managed to trust some new people I have met since I moved back, but it was hard and took time.

As I said, I am okay with being alone, but I do spend time with others. I have my close friends and family and it is enough for me. When I go out these days I talk to everyone, it helps with my self-esteem to do that and feel good about it, but I don’t make friends with just anyone. I did become overly sensitive and could not take any criticisms or judgements from anyone else, I had enough coming at me from these Bullies!

After this experience, it is a given you will end up with trust issues…

People Pleasing

You may become a people pleaser and try to make people like you. You may become overly accommodating to get approval from others after having had to walk on eggshells for so long.4 You might struggle with expressing your emotions and thoughts after narcissistic abuse because of the fear of being judged for what you say. To avoid confrontation from a narcissist abuser, you likely bottled up your feelings.

I struggled with expressing my emotions and thoughts, but only because I was stifled from doing so for so long. I had no problem talking, but I was muzzled every time I did, so I stopped out of fear of being muzzled once again. I didn’t care about any judgements, just being told to stay quiet! I had a voice but was not allowed to use it by the pressure I got from others around me.

These days, I don’t even care about that. I say and do what I please and refuse to be muzzled anymore, by anyone. I learned over time what I can legally do and will abide by that but nothing will stop me anymore from using my voice and sharing my Story of Adult Bullies and the abuse they do, not just of me either! As I said before, their websites are public and I can talk about them all I want… So, no I am not a people pleaser!

Self-Destructive Habits

Another effect of narcissistic abuse can be self-destructive habits. People who have been in relationships with narcissists often feel the need to punish themselves because they may feel as though they were at fault for their partner’s bad behavior toward them.

You may experience problems with addiction such as drinking, smoking, and even food addiction or overspending. These addictions may be a way to numb emotional pain.

It’s a good thing I never experience any of these things! As a matter of fact, I managed to quit smoking! Had my last cigarette on December 31, 2020. It was hard at first, but I feel better about it!! I have managed to gain back some of the weight I lost during this time with all the Chess’s Fish & Chips here, but it wasn’t too much. Being laid up last year with a broken ankle for a few months didn’t help, but I am losing it again now. Hubby and I played tourist this past summer and walked everywhere!

I am glad I didn’t get caught up in any of this.

How to Heal From Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse has the potential to destroy the foundation of most people’s lives irreparably. It takes time and energy to heal from betrayal, heartbreak, gaslighting, and financial losses caused by an abusive partner. What’s more, you may have lost friends and family members along the way due to self-isolation. If you are struggling, it’s important to find ways to heal. Below are some suggestions

  • Recognize and accept your feelings. You may experience a range of emotions such as grief, depression, anger, and anxiety. Whatever you are feeling is valid, and it’s important not to suppress those feelings or judge yourself for having them.
  • Educate yourself. Learn the traits of a narcissist and what constitutes narcissistic abuse to more easily recognize when you are being manipulated.
  • Join a support group. There are many communities on the internet and in real life for people who have had similar experiences. You may find it therapeutic to interact with others who understand exactly what you’re going through and can offer tips and advice to help you cope.
  • Reach out to a therapist or counselor. A therapist can help equip you with tools to cope with and heal from narcissistic abuse in a safe and non-judgmental space.
  • Practice self-care. When your self-esteem has taken a hit, it’s easy to feel like you don’t deserve anything good for yourself. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s essential to take care of yourself. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, and engaging in activities that you find enjoyable.

I have done all of the above over the course of the past 6 years and am forever grateful these resources were there for me. It does take a lot of time to heal from the devastation you feel from such acts against you. You go up and down but thankfully, my down days are far between! I thank my education about this type of abuse for saving me, as it showed me I do not need to accept what they have done in my name on the internet and I have every right to speak up about it. I have a right to my voice, my perceptions and my truth. I am entitled to my feelings too, even my anger, and no one has a right to invalidate any of that.

I have done more healing in the past couple of years since I left that environment and it has made my life more enjoyable. I found mindfulness and by learning to stay in the present, not living in the past or worrying about the future, my anxiety has lessened a great deal and I have no worries anymore. I still get caught up in it all at times, but can get myself out quicker every time! It isn’t about them anymore, it is about me and my recovery!

I find a lot of peace in my days now. I have reached acceptance of it all and am slowly letting it all go. Writing it out has helped a lot too! I still have every single thing I was given, and wrote, and was working on a book there for a while. I will finish it one day.

For now, I am all about my own Self-Care these days! I do what feels comfortable and if I want to sit at my computer all day, exposing the nasty things Adult Bullies did to me on the internet, I will do that, if it helps me. get over it. They can keep spewing their lies about me and others, I have come to see it won’t do anything for them.

The main thing that helped me heal? I turned to Google and searched their words. It lead me on a journey I didn’t want, but definitely needed!

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